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Well here goes...

I can't take it anymore. I feel like I am falling faster and faster and further and further. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything, especially even from myself and I am starting to feel this disconnection growing strong. I feel completely dead. I can't get in touch with reality it seems. I feel totally stuck inside myself, in this world that exists in my brain. I can't take it.

I feel like my reality, whatever that may be exactly, is ripping away from me faster than I can handle. I feel like I am losing this battle. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like this shell of a person just drifting aimlessly in the world. I feel uncontrollable. I feel like I'm going to go nuts. I can't handle what's happening to me anymore and I am screaming on the inside, and a little on the outside as well, for any kind of help I can get. I just want to get better. No one understands. They try, and sometimes it seems like they do, but then they get fed up. I feel at a complete loss. I just need people to talk to. People who get it. I need help. I don't need attention, in fact, I would kill to not have any attention right now whatsoever. I turned my phone off. I don't want to be contacted anymore right now. I just need help.

I'd like to preface this by saying that I am *the* worst person to be talking right now... but I'm learning that I have to let other people make their own judgments about me!

Did it feel better having written that? I know whenever I have a good cry or a good talk I feel slightly better, even if nothing was solved. Besides, the solution to your despair may seem like being handed a thermos full of sand while you're dying of dehydration in the desert. That frustration is how I feel when people give me advice, even if logically I know they're right.

One thing I noticed about what you wrote is that you actually didn't tell us what you're going through, or how you're feeling. Whenever someone says "I feel like," well, that's a simile not a direct expression of emotion.

What I gather you're feeling is, disappointment, rejection, frustration, despair, maybe fear too. Acknowledging these feelings is the first step, perhaps.

The second step is asking yourself, "How will I know when I've gotten what I want? What will the signs be?"

I'm still trying to answer that question.

Anyhow, just my 2 cents. Keep fighting.

-BeWild

I'm hearing ya girl. I relate. Maybe even understand.

Something I heard someone say tonight is "This too will pass". It will. It probably has passed before, and it will again.

When I've been in a situation that feels like the one you've described, it seems like everything is the way I'm feeling right now, which is shit, so therefore everything is shit. It's not. Trying to unravel all of my fears, confusion and insecurity all in the thrust of it's full force just sends my mind around the bend!! Particularly bc I tend to catastrophise, and think things are lot less manageable than they really are. A lot more life and death, cut throat.

So, what I would suggest to you is try to focus on this moment, right now. Not just the frantic, panicky feelings inside. Yes, they are there, you can't just put a lid on them and they'll disappear. But also, look around you, listen, smell, touch and feel your entire environment. All of it is reality. All of it, including the reality that you feel hopeless, afraid and desperate. The feelings are real feelings, but they are only feelings: they are not reality itself. Feel your body sitting on the chair, your fingers typing, listen to the hum of the computer, the sound of the keys as you type, the space bar and the shift keys sound different to the rest.

This is mindfulness and it's a great way to bring yourself out of that fraught mind and back into reality. You can practise this kind of mindfulness whilst engaging in the most difficult emotional situations. It helps keep perspective.

What you sound like you need are coping tools. Aides to help you get through the tough, really tough periods. Mindfulness is one. Have you looked at the tools here too? They're very helpful and designed to give long term, and short term assistance to people with exactly the kind of difficulties you're facing right now.

Are you in therapy? People, just normal people who aren't striving to overcome extreme emotional difficulties, well, they may not understand. Most people don't even understand themselves, let alone others. A therapist is trained to both understand and help.

Try some of the things I'm suggesting, even if it's just one. One of my favourite mindfulness activities when I'm really struggling is washing the dishes. Usually they've already piled up by the time the sky comes crashing in. The warm water on my hands, the sound of glasses clinking and water splashing, the smell of detergent and dried food stuffs; there's a world of reality to experience in such a simple act.

And you can come here if you need to talk about specifics too. One step at a time, and you WILL get somewhere. But just one step at a time. Don't try to resolve the whole lot in one go. It really can wait. Now, right now, take care of your emotions because it sounds like they're becoming too intense to feel and you maybe be slipping out of reality.

Angel, I hope you're feeling better now. Feelings like you described are a normal part of BPD but the good news is that they fade with time. As long as you ride them out rather than cling to them, they'll weaken and disintegrate, making room for new (better) feelings.