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 Post subject: wallowing in the illness
PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 10:24 pm 
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I think I am still in the wallowing stage. Was reading some old posts, and Ash in reply to the forum mentioned about wallowing in the illness.

I think I'm still there. How do I get out of there?

In a way I feel as if having bpd is a life sentence, I mean I have one or two people who are 'afraid' to talk to me, I have a mentor who refuses to even open the ecard I sent her, and not forgetting all these pain from real and perceived abandonment. In a way I feel as if it's hopeless...

But is it?
What does embracing bpd and recovery entail?
What is the first step that I must take to reach there?

Can the old-timers tell me, please? I don't want to be stuck here, forever. Don't want to be stuck with bpd too. It's horrible horrible horrible.


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 Post subject: Re: wallowing in the illness
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:22 pm 
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The fastest recoveries I've seen are when people take the advice they're given and really commit themselves to changing their old ways. Things like using the tools available here, applying constant self care, using the DBT skills they've learned, taking their therapist's advice etc.

It's really hard for someone with the abandonment issues that BPD generously gives us to move on from horrible experiences of rejection. But I think taking responsibility for how things like that unfolded and just making a commitment to do things differently next time is the healthiest response. Practising analysing situations objectively, as opposed to the subjective 'taking it personally' stuff that this disorder is so characterised by, is a step away from BPD. Attitude is everything.

It's understandable that wallowing will occur. IMO a huge part of recovery is embracing the power we have to change our lives by adjusting our attitude and our actions. But doing that requires knowledge. We need to understand exactly what is causing the problems in our lives. BPD is a great big umbrella term that describes a whole series of complex attitudes and behaviour which need to change for recovery to occur. I'm not really a big fan of using the "BPD" term bc it's easy to use the term for a diagnosis to lead to self-pity and blame: "My life would be better if I didn't have BPD", when in truth "my life would be better of I didn't specifically behave in these ways.......".

The way I see it there are 3 stages of recovery:

1. Identifying that there's a problem.
2. Identifying what the problem is and what the contributing causes/factors are
3. Putting the knowledge gained from 2 into action to avoid the problems (transcendence)

You sound like you're somewhere in number 2. You've identified that you have a problem (no. 1), and are now learning about the nature of the problem and all of it's facets. Number 2 is essential and can be a complex process. But BPDR is such a helpful tool in this stage, bc you can come here and look at specific issues and people will help you to analyse them from a recovery perspective, so that you learn what you need to do to get to stage 3. Stage 3 is living a healthy life.

Are you familiar with the Existential Paradox? :

I am not responsible for how I came to be as an adult, but as an adult I am responsible for everything I do and say.

So, what I'd recommend to you in the context of your post is that you choose some situations from your life that you can look at and understand your contribution to the demise of relationships there. You mentioned people who are 'afraid' to talk to you, which seems to me a really good place to start. Would you be willing to have a look at those interactions to help you to understand what you did to contribute to them.

All relationships take 2 to tango. Many of the difficult relationship experiences I've had, which I've carefully dissected to understand my role in, have lead me to seeing what totally crap choices I make in whom I choose to involve in my life. I say this so you can see that not everything we learn about our 'unhealthy' behaviours reflect upon nasty things about ourselves. Sometimes we do have to accept that our behaviour was unkind and extremely flawed (truth is the only way), but there are often times, especially with a condition that involves such neediness, when we haven't abused anyone but ourselves.

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~ Sarah


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 Post subject: Re: wallowing in the illness
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:44 pm 
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On the same note, sometimes we have to learn to accept that some relationships do end. That by trying to avoid that fact of life can only help chase people away. When people ask for space, you must allow them that. I may be reading too much of my own 'stuff' in your post, but I have upset people, and then desperately tried to reconnect, so before they could forgive me for the original problem, I had upset them again.allow your mentor time to either read your message or not and find a way to accept that they may choose to not answer.Again, if this isn't your situation, I apologize.

I know that the first steps in recovery can be really overwhelming, but all you can do is take one step at a time. http://www.bpdrecovery.com/BeginYourRecovery This part of the main BPDRecovery website has great tips on how to focus on the small steps and not look at the whole process.

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It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars. - Garrison Keillor


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 Post subject: Re: wallowing in the illness
PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 4:29 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:10 pm
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I think I am where you are at this point. I recently was diagnosed which was a huge step forward for me. I finally felt like I knew what was wrong and finally had a clear view of what was wrong and could finally start getting better.

Now, here I am, trying to get better. I have learned so much about myself and noticing more about what I do and how I am and what is due to my illness and what is normal. I have obtained SO much information from this and other sites about how to recover from BPD; however, putting these things into practice is SO hard. It is a battle every single day. It is exhausting but worth it. I have already seen small progresses in myself, and so have others. I fall back, often, but I keep trying. You basically have to teach yourself a whole new and healthy way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. You can do it but it takes a lot of work and a lot of time.


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