12.9.10 It is my birthday today. I am 34, which is somewhat unbelievable to be honest. I’ve felt mostly sad and nostalgic today. Again, a little ridiculous since I know that I can change my perspective. I know that when I focus on the positive, on what is good in my life …when I am grateful…then my life is so much happier. May be time to start the antidepressants again. Things are grayer, no matter how hard I try to make them not. A week left of my first semester in graduate school, and, and I so so want to do well. I want to get straight A’s. At the same time, I am just tired. I feel a little emotionally exhausted actually. I went to the school therapist again yesterday. Scott. So far, I have not felt like he has really been helpful. But, the last session was better, because it made me think. Although, at the time I was somewhat annoyed by what he was saying just because I was so tired. It isn’t authentic yet … the therapy experience with him, which is a barrier. Regardless, during the last session, he showed me how my self-esteem was dependent on outside sources. . And, although I know this is unhealthy, it took him reminding me of that, for me to go, “OH!” I forgot. So, in a nutshell, I found value in that experience. Today is actually a good example. 20+ people told me happy birthday via facebook, phone and e-mail; and it was gratifying; it was more than gratifying. Last night I was thinking that no one would probably remember. And yet, I still felt like it wasn’t enough. I still didn’t really feel special I feel all over the place right now. I feel bogged down by responsibilities right now. I feel chaos inside of me and I feel conflict because part of me says, “shut up” you have stuff to do, you need to be productive ...make these feelings a lesser priority and get shit done…and part of me…part of me thinks no, stop. Be mindful. Deal with what you are feeling and then move on. And, so I ramble … I got an A- on my lit review. And you know, to be honest, I was disappointed. I thought that paper was the best academic paper I have ever written, and I still got an A- instead of an A. Graduate school is really intimidating sometimes. I know I am supposed to be balanced. I know it is about the journey and that ultimately I shouldn’t get caught up in the whole grade = self esteem thing, but lately, emotionally I feel like I’ve had tunnel vision in a way. And, I’m not sure if that is good or bad. On one hand, I’m focused and trying and on the other hand, sometimes I try too hard, I’m too worried. I think I may be out of balance. But, can life be balanced all the time? Is that realistic? Maybe, sometimes you just have to push through it and deal. I look at Debbie – at the whole work/her setting boundaries by yakking at them about calling her on a Sunday thing – yes, it is a great concept to be balanced all the time, but is that a realistic notion? Today, the walk to school was beautiful. I was a little high, granted, and yet, all I could think was – look, it is a year later, and I am in graduate school, and I am seeing this beautiful cityscape, and I am surrounded by intellectual people on a daily basis (no matter how intimidating that may be), and overall, it is a great existence. I actually reached my dream. Now the dream is a reality, and that is scary, but I am here. I made it. What a dichotomy my life feels like lately. I am going to the food stamp place tomorrow because I didn’t get enough financial aid through school, and I’m broke, and I don’t currently have enough money to make it until the next financial aid disbursement. I leave for NC in ten days for xmas with my family. Although I am happy to see my family, it also is another situation to be dealt with and to prepare for. I just feel like I need a sabbatical before I tackle the next few weeks. Unfortunately, there isn’t time for one right now. And so I do what self-care I can by stating affirmations: Affirmations: Right now, I come fist. It is all about fulfilling my dreams, which I have worked so hard for. Right now, as always, I am light, love and kindness. I am light, love and kindness. I am courage in action. And I, I so OWN my life. I am worthy of fulfilling my dreams. I am worthy of fulfilling my dreams. I am confident and effective in all that I do. I am confident in all that I Do. Life is an adventure, and I am actively enjoying it. I am learning, I am growing, and I am evolving. And, it is a beautiful journey.
Thanks for letting me ramble ...
_________________ "I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."
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