Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 4:22 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1 post ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Rambling and some stress relief. lol.
PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 3:02 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:19 am
Posts: 274
12.9.10 It is my birthday today. I am 34, which is somewhat unbelievable to be honest. I’ve felt mostly sad and nostalgic today. Again, a little ridiculous since I know that I can change my perspective. I know that when I focus on the positive, on what is good in my life …when I am grateful…then my life is so much happier. May be time to start the antidepressants again. Things are grayer, no matter how hard I try to make them not. A week left of my first semester in graduate school, and, and I so so want to do well. I want to get straight A’s. At the same time, I am just tired. I feel a little emotionally exhausted actually.
I went to the school therapist again yesterday. Scott. So far, I have not felt like he has really been helpful. But, the last session was better, because it made me think. Although, at the time I was somewhat annoyed by what he was saying just because I was so tired. It isn’t authentic yet … the therapy experience with him, which is a barrier. Regardless, during the last session, he showed me how my self-esteem was dependent on outside sources. . And, although I know this is unhealthy, it took him reminding me of that, for me to go, “OH!” I forgot. So, in a nutshell, I found value in that experience.
Today is actually a good example. 20+ people told me happy birthday via facebook, phone and e-mail; and it was gratifying; it was more than gratifying. Last night I was thinking that no one would probably remember. And yet, I still felt like it wasn’t enough. I still didn’t really feel special I feel all over the place right now. I feel bogged down by responsibilities right now. I feel chaos inside of me and I feel conflict because part of me says, “shut up” you have stuff to do, you need to be productive ...make these feelings a lesser priority and get shit done…and part of me…part of me thinks no, stop. Be mindful. Deal with what you are feeling and then move on. And, so I ramble …
I got an A- on my lit review. And you know, to be honest, I was disappointed. I thought that paper was the best academic paper I have ever written, and I still got an A- instead of an A. Graduate school is really intimidating sometimes. I know I am supposed to be balanced. I know it is about the journey and that ultimately I shouldn’t get caught up in the whole grade = self esteem thing, but lately, emotionally I feel like I’ve had tunnel vision in a way. And, I’m not sure if that is good or bad. On one hand, I’m focused and trying and on the other hand, sometimes I try too hard, I’m too worried. I think I may be out of balance. But, can life be balanced all the time? Is that realistic? Maybe, sometimes you just have to push through it and deal. I look at Debbie – at the whole work/her setting boundaries by yakking at them about calling her on a Sunday thing – yes, it is a great concept to be balanced all the time, but is that a realistic notion?
Today, the walk to school was beautiful. I was a little high, granted, and yet, all I could think was – look, it is a year later, and I am in graduate school, and I am seeing this beautiful cityscape, and I am surrounded by intellectual people on a daily basis (no matter how intimidating that may be), and overall, it is a great existence. I actually reached my dream. Now the dream is a reality, and that is scary, but I am here. I made it.
What a dichotomy my life feels like lately. I am going to the food stamp place tomorrow because I didn’t get enough financial aid through school, and I’m broke, and I don’t currently have enough money to make it until the next financial aid disbursement.
I leave for NC in ten days for xmas with my family. Although I am happy to see my family, it also is another situation to be dealt with and to prepare for. I just feel like I need a sabbatical before I tackle the next few weeks. Unfortunately, there isn’t time for one right now. And so I do what self-care I can by stating affirmations:
Affirmations:
Right now, I come fist. It is all about fulfilling my dreams, which I have worked so hard for. Right now, as always, I am light, love and kindness. I am light, love and kindness. I am courage in action. And I, I so OWN my life.
I am worthy of fulfilling my dreams. I am worthy of fulfilling my dreams. I am confident and effective in all that I do. I am confident in all that I Do. Life is an adventure, and I am actively enjoying it. I am learning, I am growing, and I am evolving. And, it is a beautiful journey.

Thanks for letting me ramble ...

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1 post ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 15 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group