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 Post subject: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 2:54 pm 
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Been struggling with something and would really like some feedback, advice or experience from others.

I sometimes get frustrated with how things are going in my life and i want to change something, although im not even sure if or what needs changing. i think that an attitude adjustment might help me - the kind where I quit whining that im suffering, but i get stuck at that point. I cant quite get up the energy/motivation/focus to try changing my attitude because it feels like an indictment of how i was, which feels horrible.

I get *really* stuck there. I just cant feel motivated to change if im telling myself that how ive been is wrong, bad or just even unhelpful. How can i see it differently where it doesn't feel so negative toward myself? If i see it like i need to "forgive" myself, that feels like ive done something "wrong". I cant quite find a way to see myself as erring, without feeling Im a bad person. I know we are supposed to separate actions from who we are, but I can't feel the difference.


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 8:50 pm 
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But if the way you've been weren't unhelpful in some way, you wouldn't be here, and thinking about changing things in your life.

Realizing that we have ineffective, if not harmful, ways of dealing with our lives isn't the same as saying that we are bad. None of what's going on with us, certainly at least in terms of what led us to develop BPD in the first place, is "our fault." We are not inherently bad, any more than any other human being is. Some of us, me included, somehow learn to equate "I made a mistake" with "I'm a bad person." We internalize a shame mindset that haunts us for our entire lives, until we decide to do something about it. And that means learning to assess our lives, our patterns of thinking and behaving, and to be honest about whether we're healthy, without condemning ourselves if we determine that we need to make changes.

So yes, forgive yourself, and while you're at at, forgive your family and any others you may blame for messing you up. Note well: forgiving does NOT mean forgetting. What has happened in your life is part of your story, and you can't just erase it. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. The past can't be changed.

Deciding to move forward with some changes in your life does not mean you are negating or deeming "bad" all that has gone before. It just means you are going to assess which parts are perhaps less than healthy and try to make choices that are more positive. Making a better "you" doesn't mean that the original you is bad or worthless or hateful or anything of the sort. It just means that you are choosing a healthier lifestyle, and it's no different than choosing to get physically healthier by losing weight or lowering your cholesterol.

If you regard your past and/or current life as something worth changing, then opting to continue what's wrong is choosing to stay stuck in what you want to change.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 11:50 pm 
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Sari,

Thanks for responding. Im going to take some more time to think about this.


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 12:47 am 
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how about this? the existential paradox by Dr. Joseph Santoro (on the welcome page of this site):

"We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults.
But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do"

For me I believe forgiveness is one of the keys, but it doesn't and won't change our behaviour and thinking patterns - that will take hard work on our part to change. But forgiveness releases us from the clutches of the past.


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 1:07 am 
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Sari wrote:
And that means learning to assess our lives, our patterns of thinking and behaving, and to be honest about whether we're healthy, without condemning ourselves if we determine that we need to make changes.

It's neither good nor bad, it just is. The past can't be changed.

It just means you are going to assess which parts are perhaps less than healthy and try to make choices that are more positive.


I am NOT a healthy person.
I am needy and too clingy when I get very close to a person.
I am very insecure, so much so that sometimes even an unreturned phone call makes me think that the friend / person has 'abandoned me'.
I get angry and anger outburst.

And I want to change all this.

What about you, Liz? What do you want to change specifically?


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:13 am 
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MM,

I want to change feeling absolutely guilty about anything and everything every moment of the day!


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:29 am 
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Hmmm...

Perhaps, just perhaps, beneath the guilt is a layer of shame towards self? Just perhaps...


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:46 pm 
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When I was little, from my earliest memories, when I would do something wrong I would hear from my mother "You should be ashamed of yourself," even though my errors were childish, not malicious, and not shameful in the least. Eventually I internalized this, it became an integral part of me, and basically every time I was wrong about anything, anytime, anywhere, I felt deep, deep shame. My father had high expectations for me, I was told I was smart and capable, and if I got a bad grade or had to be scolded for any reason, I totally felt worthless, unloveable, just plain BAD. I had a complete inability to separate "I did a bad thing" (no matter how minor the error) from "I'm a bad person." I'm still struggling with this -- and I'm pushing 60 years old, and both of my parents are dead, and there's no reason for me to feel ashamed of anything.

We have to fight back against this, and never, ever give up. People are allowed to be less than perfect. We can make mistakes, and it doesn't mean that we're bad people or shameful. Even if some of the life choices we have made are things that are considered "really bad," or illegal, or profoundly stupid, WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE. We may be unhealthy, we might need to learn to make better choices, but WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE. Nobody is perfect, we shouldn't expect perfection from anybody else, and we certainly shouldn't expect it from ourselves.

Admitting to yourself that there are things in your life that need changing is not something you need to be ashamed of. You don't need to chew on your guilt for stuff that's been wrong about your life. Put it in the past and resolve to make changes. It's a choice, and while it might be hard to stick with it in the beginning, it does get easier.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: how to change? Is it forgiveness?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:18 pm 
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That you feel like change is an indictment of yourself is so typical of the disorder. It's not just you.

How about this perspective shift to add to what the others have said?

catepillar into butterfly...

or I like to call it why the f&&K not? (nothing else is helping, not my perspective, not what I did before, nada...so, "why the f not just throw it away without thinking about it anymore- NO RUMINATING! - and just chage it cuz I wanna and I'm ready!?! )
:D :D


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