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 Post subject: giving up?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:11 am 
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I just saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and he told me this,
"If you can go through one month without a crisis, that's an achievement. Don't feel that you are not progressing"

The past one month plus, I've been quite stable, except that on some days I felt really really down thinking about some issues with exco.

Been working on recovery too, using some tools.

Yet, at the back of my mind, (or is it my heart?), there is this tiredness, that makes me want to GIVE UP (read: die). Give up on this journey of recovery, give up on life.

I think perhaps because deep down is the feeling or the belief that I'm not worth it, that my life is not worth it.

This is just so tiring.


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 9:38 am 
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yes, it can be.

It can also be exhilerating at times and you will have those moments too!

get some rest and be prepared for them!

It's ok to feel tired and rest...

Good job on the last month or so!!!!

YIPEEEE!


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 11:21 pm 
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I can relate, but I hope that you, like I, won't give up. There are still times, after a long, long time of dealing with this depression and BPD, that I just want to escape. Because most all of my forbears (grandparents, aunts, parents) have had long, drawn-out difficult deaths, I have zero interest in living to an old age, and I still think of just ending it all before I get to a point of debilitating illness. But as of now, I won't.

One of my favorite singer/songwriters is Dar Williams. She had a song called "After All" which included the following words (from memory, might not be exact): "When I chose to live, there was no joy in that, it was just a line that I crossed, my death wasn't worth the pain it would have cost..." That's pretty much the story with me. I won't hurt my children by committing suicide -- at least until I'm diagnosed with an incurable illness/dementia, and then I would tell them what I wanted to do and why. But as the song goes on, she examines her life, her parent's/family life, and ultimately she experiences happiness and says "life chose me after all." That's what I'm working on. I'm determined, as long as I can, to keep working on having life choose me, and one of the main ways for me is by volunteering (about 8 hrs a week) at something where I'm involved in helping people who are in worse situations than I am. (It's a center where people with disabilities ride horses. The youngest is probably 2 1/2, the oldest that I know of is 79, and they have disabilities ranging from autism to Down Syndrome to multiple sclerosis to brain injury. A bonus is being with the animals, who respond to kindness and bear no grudges.) It gets me out of my own head, and to stop ruminating on how my life sucks, because there are all these people who are in way worse shape than I am, and trying to bring them a half-hour of happiness a week makes me happier.

There are all sorts of things you can do to fight back. Another thing I'm doing is to explore my spirituality and study religious history. That might be your idea of nothing, but look for something you would like to investigate. Music, art, computers, dance, gardening, whatever.

Life is tiring sometimes to the healthiest of individuals. People who got a shitty start and struggle with their moods or behavior have it just that much tougher. I understand where you're coming from, but I'll bet there are people in your life who would be seriously sad and hurt if you were to give up. I say that not to guilt you into choosing to keep up the fight, but because as someone who has contemplated suicide but also has had to deal with the monumental effects on my family of the suicide of others, it just isn't worth it. "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" -- the title of one of my favorite books from way back -- but how true. Life comes with thorns. We just have to choose to move on despite the pricks.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:02 am 
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Sari,
As I read your reply, my eyes start tearing...

I guess I'm just tired, very tired of working hard at this whole recovery thing, very tired of trying to beat the blues that comes and goes (which affects me at work a little and sometimes quite a bit). I guess I'm tired from all the fighting of this battle...

What has stopped me from doing anything stupid is the fact that there are people in my life who would be very hurt and sad if i committed suicide. I don't want to hurt them, I love them and I don't want them to be hurt.

Yet, the tiredness, the thought of giving up lingers calmly and subtly at the back of my mind...


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:03 am 
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thanks a lot for cheering, surreal.

But actually deep down i'm feeling tired.


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:05 am 
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sari: unlike one of the months last year when I was very much in pain, and highly suicidal... this time around, the 'urge' to commit suicide isn't one of pain, it's not a rash thing.

But the thought lingers around from the tiredness of just being alive and fighting all these battles...

You could liken me to a worn out soldier, tired out from the battle... exhausted...


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:22 am 
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I know- that's why I said it's ok to rest. Sometimes we gotta and there is no shame in it!

This is heavy stuff we deal with and sometimes we need a break- sometimes we need to just kick back and re energize...

That's ok for you to do and there is no shame in being tired.

What do you like to do to kick back? What energizes you that you can do right now?

One of my things is cleaning the house- it's free, I don't have to anywhere, I feel good about it after-

Sometimes I like to send cards to people- start reaching out "hey! I love you man, glad we are friends! How are you?"

Or organzise my calendar of birthdays and set up reminders for cards to be sent...

Sometimes I just sleep or hang out in bed for a day :-)

what's you idea of something simple that's energizing?


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:54 am 
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Hey Mere,

If you would like one, I have a hug for you
(((((((MM)))))))


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:08 am 
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Surreal:
thanks a lot for understanding. I went over to sleep at a friend's place, got some hugs :) Feel much better :)

Liz: Hugs back. thank you so much dear!


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 Post subject: Re: giving up?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 7:03 pm 
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COOL!

How was the visit?

I hope it was restful and re energizing!

hugs to you


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