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 Post subject: When did you learn to self soothe? What helped you?
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 11:49 am 
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I mentioned in another post that I'd heard AJ Mahari (a recovered bpd) say that learning to self soothe is a major milestone in recovery. I'd really love to hear people talk about self soothing, when it happened (how far along in therapy/treatment, etc)? What worked for them? What it was like? Also, to me, self soothing seems to go hand in hand with the empty feeling we struggle with...It seems that self soothing is a big antidote to the emptiness in side. Do/did others find that too?

Im definitely not where i want to be with self soothing, but I think that in a lot of ways, I am moving in that direction. It's rare for me to feel realllly comforted by myself and I long for that. But I can see that I have made a lot of steps on the way toward that.

If I look back to two years ago, even a year ago actually, I think I reacted to things much more without being able to investigate my thinking. I had tremendous shame and felt spoiled around my caregivers which was a huge trigger for me. The feelings were so overwhelming, it was often hard for me to just look at it. I could look at it in therapy, but not very well on my own. Now, im fine looking at it on my own, and Im willing to talk about it "publicly" (here, for ex). The shame or the thoughts of me being spoiled don't trigger me to be in denial or to drink. I can sit with them. i do still feel ashamed, but I am more there for myself with this shame.

...so, it's not where i want to be, but it is better.

Oh, something that helps me is hot showers. I am always freezing cold, so a hot shower is one thing that does help me self soothe.

I've been in therapy for many years, so it definitely didnt come fast to me!! I think what helped me the most though, was when a friendship ended about four months ago and I had to find a way to be there for myself. I just coulndt make the leap from receiving soothing from others to doing it for myself, no matter how much soothing I got. Gawd, that was frustrating!

would love to hear some stories from others on this topic!!!! What worked for you? What spurred or started you becoming a self soother? How are you doing with it?


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 Post subject: Re: When did you learn to self soothe? What helped you?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 11:04 am 
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Sometimes I feel like walking around with a big HELP ME sign on my forehead. Crying in public doesn't seem to work. I've always gone running to other people when I'm upset, so learning to be self-reliant and self-soothe is a big one for me.

That said, I have found a few ways to self-soothe, some work better than others, some are more constructive than others. Food is a big one for me. Something about the sensation of eating calms me down a tiny bit. I've also tried smoking, but that didn't really work. Crying is a huge one. I don't know if you'd consider that a self-soothing method, but I can't really think of a reason why I do it so much when I'm upset except that the feeling I get after a good cry is addictive. It relieves so much stress for me.

I found out not too long ago that ice or cold water helps. Hot showers I haven't tried, and they're not always practical. Any kind of intense physical sensation, smells too, usually helps me, but shocking the senses is more of an emergency pause button, so I can stop what I'm doing and thinking long enough to calm down.

I've also tried making a pact with myself to do nothing for awhile. This works when I can think of nothing constructive to do. I usually end up falling asleep.

Its been a long, slow journey for me. I don't even know if I'm really making progress or not. My boyfriend gradually over time stopped being there for me, I think mainly he didn't know how to help... before that my parents did the best they could. Really though, its only been a few months that I've really truly felt that I could be on my own about certain things. I still feel panicky when I'm alone and not doing anything to distract myself. I haven't learned to enjoy being with myself.

Sorry for the long post.
I'm interested to hear other people's experiences with this as well.

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: When did you learn to self soothe? What helped you?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:01 pm 
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Eating helps me too. Doesn't have to be a binge or even comfort food necessarily. Sometimes just a few bites of something calms me. I don't like the idea of using food for comfort, but I allow it for now if necessary. Years ago i was bulimic, so going from having to eat a whole pie for comfort to being comforted by a few bites doesn't seem like the end of the world.

About crying...That is the one thing i really want to do and to do it on my own. I also feel it is a wonderful sensation to grieve but it is very hard for me to do that on my own.

BeWild, how do you cry on your own? Do the tears just come?


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 Post subject: Re: When did you learn to self soothe? What helped you?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:12 pm 
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Liz-

I've always been a crybaby. When I feel grief or self-pity, the tears just come and won't stop. I guess I'm lucky that way?

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: When did you learn to self soothe? What helped you?
PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 9:42 pm 
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Different situations require different things I think- sometimes it's about a panic attack or depression or engaging with someone in a fight or the aftermath...so a big bad of tricks helps.

different things work for different people and I think the key concept is that self soothing goes hand in hand with maturation. I know that sounds tautilogical...

Learning how to let things go, not personalize and to empathize are big one's for me.

learning to take a time out - not withdrawing, a time out.

There are times when every grown up says "I didn;t ask for this. i wish i were 8 again and someone else could handle the big problems while I snuggle with my teddy bear."

For those moments- i have my teddy bear :-)

Prayer helps many people. Reading the psalms... talking to god about oneself 9not a wish list of stuff), keeping in mind he already knows everything about you...he sees your suffering and he hurts for you- he wants to see us take responsibility and grow up into who he created us to be...praying for more strength to deal with what is, to have wisdom, to have humility....

yoga and chanting helps some people....

ROUTINE

Self talk "I have been through many panic attacks before, it means I will get through this one too." etc

"This is temporary" is one of my favorites...

"inner child' work...talking to yourself as a parent to the child you were (that can be rough on some people) but the inner child work can be done at other times and contributes to the maturation process- ie reparenting oneself.

simple movies with no sex, violence, triggery stuff on real low - laying down relaxing -

basically, it's about perspective...it's about gaining perspective...gaining perspective is part of letting go of pride, ego and selfish desires, motives and childish demanding attitudes...or fighting reality..or thinking the current painful reality is forever...

big bad of tools, yup, big bag o' tools seems the order of the day :-)

hope this helps


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