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 Post subject: Because I need social contact right now, and venting
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:41 am 
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3.9.11 All over the damn place today. A lot of caffeine. John told me I drink too much tonight. I binge drink. And I blackout. And I release a lot of aggression. And I get straight As in graduate school. But overall, it is a bad fucking sign. And I cried earlier because of it. I feel very alone right now. I tried calling friends .. Chris, Jenn and even Mary, the upstairs neighbor. Desire to cut earlier. Still there but not as intense. All I want is to work hard, accomplish my dreams, and let loose on the downtime, and yet, I always have to walk that fine line … am I going to repeat the mistakes from before? Aren’t I stronger than that by now? Haven’t I overcome?
1:32 a.m. I want a goddamn therapist … that I can trust … and afford. Just sayin’ …
I just needed to get it out …
At the end of the day … it really isn’t about ANY of them… it is about me. My dreams. My life. My right to be selfish. Marcia would so say that I have a right to be selfish so I could accomplish my dreams. That I am worthy of that. Can anyone understand that?
First time I’ve cried in months. 

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: Because I need social contact right now, and venting
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:00 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey hugs to you.

good to release all that pent up emotion.


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 Post subject: Re: Because I need social contact right now, and venting
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 11:30 am 
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:35 pm
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BPDpip5 wrote:
At the end of the day … it really isn’t about ANY of them… it is about me. My dreams. My life. My right to be selfish. Marcia would so say that I have a right to be selfish so I could accomplish my dreams. That I am worthy of that. Can anyone understand that?
First time I’ve cried in months. 


Hi BPDpip5,
Just wanted to say that I read your vent, and I heard ya here. Don't know all the details of what's going on with you. But I'm sorry for the pain you are in. Glad you posted.

I definitely absolutely relate to the need/desire/right to be selfish to accomplish your dreams. You most definitely *are* worthy of that. You *are*.

I very much relate to those words right now. My sense of self is feeling like it's trying desperately, courageously, wholeheartedly, and yet fearfully - to burst through. Am not willing to live the wretched, pitiful existence of incapacitation and shame that I've been putting up with for way too long and I am starting to feel worthy of the selfishness needed to make my life wonderful. I don't yet feel fully worthy. I am flip flopping tons and it's extremely painful. But I so so so so want to find a way to feel worthy of everything I need and want to make my dreams come true.

BPDpip5, you deserve to have your dreams come true. And you deserve the selfishness needed to make that happen.


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