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 Post subject: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:41 am 
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Location: Winter Park, Florida
In the past year lots of little things have been cropping up and I find that I don't feel strongly (or even moderately) about any of them.

I can honestly say that from about January of 2010 to about mid April 2010, my memory is spotty. When I say spotty, I seriously don't remember anything. It wasn't until the middle of April, it was like I woke up. The first real aware thought since November was, something isn't right and I need to go to the hospital. Go I did and now am on a nice mix of meds, with my regular Dr pushing for me to go on Lithium.
I haven't done it yet so I must feel something but I don't
My oldest son is being treated for Emotional Behavior Disorder, which says nothing about what he is working on. My youngest son is being treated for the same thing but he this year he has been identfied (diagnosed, whatever) with Aspergers. Again no moderate to strong feelings. The people that I've met that have Aspergers went to Ivy league school or Oxford. They are relatively successful people. So I just work with them on their goals.
Both of them also, again this year, have been diagnosed with congenital hearing loss. The loss is sever enough that they both require hearing aids. I've been around enough deaf people to know better than to think of it as a disabiliy. Again no strong feelings
My extended family is in a uproar, over a variety of things. Some of which I'm the direct cause of. They are divided in their opinions of how I had my mother hospitalized. Some think it was for the best and others think that I'm horrible person and have abused and abandoned my mother, and I'm a inconsiderate and selfish person. Admitedly, on a day to day basis I probably could be described as inconsiderate and selfish but not in this case. Ultimately they weren't there and they don't see all side, so again I don't feel strongly. The only change is that I don't talk to them as much. I'm not activly avoiding them, I just don't call them.
One of the biggest things that has happened is the severing of ties to my church. I am (or was) Mormon and being Mormon is like living in a small town. My only friends were from in the church and I was very active in my calling, scouts, and other such things. I started getting the cold shoulder when I went on medications and started seeing a counselor outside of the church. As I went back to school, got work, repaired my relationship with my Catholic boyfriend it progressivly got colder. I know that while I was changing I contributed to temperature of people's interactions with me. By August, my "friends" wouldn't return my calls and my sons were excluded from Primary and Scouting events. Then after a unfounded and nasty rumor about my conduct, I was formally disciplined and expelled from the church. To be fair, I was doing plenty to get me excommunicated (I started drinking tea, I went to a wine tasting, oh and I was sleeping with my then fiance) but I didn't do what I was accused of. So while I feel the loss of friends and people I can socialize with, I'm hard pressed to say I'm lonely. Overall, I don't feel much of anything about what happened.
The thing is though, I'm not numb. I'm not depressed (no more than usual). I can feel. I get joy out of playing with my kids. I got back from London last week after spending my 30th birthday there and I had a blast. So I'm using a wide emotional range.
Situationally though, I don't have any strong feelings toward the things that happened recently.
So the question I have is, is this unusual. Am I weid to just quietly accept the bad things that have happened? Will this detachment end? Is it like all other things, temporary? What are your experiences with this, if any?

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 Post subject: Re: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:11 pm 
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The fact that you don;t remember months on end with no functional medical cause, is cause for concern. The fact that you 'woke up" and intuitively went to the hospital says you are smart enough to listen to your gut.

The fact that you are on a meds cocktail and Lithium is being suggested means professionals who are able to diagnose, see something they think they might be able to help you with to make your life a little better.

do you think that sounds like a fair assessment?


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 Post subject: Re: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:20 pm 
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Location: Winter Park, Florida
It's fair, but to be told, since I went to the emergency room I've been under the care of a physician.
I guess I had a cancer scare at the beginning of the year also, which is weird because I really don't remember it. I mean I kind of do but it's not like a regular memory. More like I'm remembering a story someone told me.
Anywho point is, all things considered medical history, genetics, and recently past events I've been watching my health. Such as it is.
But Lithium...
If they send me in for blood work I'll go and if they write me a perscription I'll take it. I honestly don't feel strongly for or against it.
I've seen it do wonders for people and I've seen it's side effects.
I guess I'm asking is this feeling of apathy or neutralness something others have experienced.

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 Post subject: Re: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 3:27 am 
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I think I experience it too, to a certain extent.

I used to be a person who got stressed out easily, especially with work or when I got scolded.

But of late, I notice that even when work gets stressful, I remain calm. I would still get stressed out, but just a little bit compared to how stressed I used to be.

I have a feeling it's due to the medication that we're taking, it kinda regulates our emotions. I think.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:25 am 
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Well, apathy is one thing, but not remembering anything really and being that disconnected? Do they think you have Major depression? Do they think you are dissociating? What do you think?


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 Post subject: Re: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2011 9:11 pm 
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I've told my Dr about the antidepressants that I've taken and what my reactions to them were.
I was originally given Welbutron, because of its stimulant properties. I had been in bed for three months. Welbutron made me awake and depressed. I still take it again because it gives me energy but my Dr started giving me soemthing else.
Saying that she wanted to try another class of medication. Clearly screwing with one biochemical wasn't working so lets mess with a different one.
She says she has an inkling as to what is wrong with me but wants me to use the psychiatric refer and have a psychitrist tell me what is wrong and put me on Lithium.
I just haven't gone, no real reason why I'm dragging my feet on this. *shrugs*
What I think is irrelevant. How thing actually are is. Since it seems I'm the odd bunny concerning disassociation, perhaps I should take the psychiatric visit more seriously. Thanks for the input, I do appriciate it.

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 Post subject: Re: Is it ok to just not feel anything?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 7:38 am 
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I would def consider the psychiatric visit more seriously. Your general doctor just can't be of a lot of help when it comes to psychological issues, and even if she might think she knows what is wrong, she can't really give you a decent dx on it, not being a psychiatrist.


I never had a period in my life that I don't remember, but I did go through a period where I didn't feel any pain. Which seemed nice at the time, I thought maybe I was magically cured of bpd, and this is what it felt like tobe "normal". But it wasn't that I was cured, or that I really didn't care about anything, I just disconnected myself from my emotions out of self defense. Why is a long story that's not imporant. But I would caution you that just because you feel no pain doesn't mean it isn't being filed away somewhere inside, and is going to rear it's head at some point- and at least for me, that was so much worse than if I'd just forced myself to confront it and deal with it at the time. Well, at least it seems to be, I guess I'll never really know since I just ran from it.

Since you don't really know what might be going on, I'd highly recomend talking to the professional your doctor recomended. They might be able to give you the answers you want, and if they really don;t, hey it never hurts to try, right?


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