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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 1:15 pm 
Surreal, I am with Liz.

At times in your responses, you appear encouraging to him, saying things that can be taken as mixed messages(this most recent email, that is).

You, yourself, are appearing confusing in this thread. You talk about how much you need this like you need a hole in the head, how it's done, over, finito, how he's childish, manipulative and pulling kindergarten business, calling him a "disgusting obsequious troll weasil", but yet......

I have to ask you a genuine question. Are you attracted to this? On some level, does this sort of exchange fulfill something within you?


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:23 pm 
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meremortal wrote:
you really meant that? "we humans help each other to grow?"
uh yeah. I find that to be true...


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:42 pm 
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I want this person who lives three doors down from me, who I see all the time in passing, to respect my space and my boundaries. I want him to back off and not act like a stalker and to be a neighbor on good terms.

I want to be true to myself and be forgiving and understanding in attitude. I want to respect myself and act to get these needs and wants met.

Those are my wants. I wasn't thinking I was going to get that last week, but I went for the goal anyway.

It turns out I got it by being assertive in the right ways and gentle in the right ways. I finally got something right.

I can see what you are saying Ranei, but the thing is for me, it's about me, not about him. I need to act the way I act for me. I need to behave with integrity to an obsequious troll weasil the same way I do to a... not obsequious troll weasil. I need to be on good terms with my neighbors in a VERY small place FOR ME.

And no, this doesn't attract me at all. It was stressing me, irritating me and pissin' me off . My own stuff is that it was scaring me a little. Maybe that's what was coming accross because I wasn't 'confused" about what I wanted, I was scared he was going to harm me if I laid my boundaries down. I just came from that kind of situation. So, that's my PTSD stuff.

My neighbor's behavior is not my responsibility and neither could I have predicted it. I spotted it as soon as it started and I put my boundaries down. Despite how I felt inside, yuck, I handled the situation well. I have new respect for the neighbor, he has new respect for me and we each have a little more self respect. We both learned something and no one was really hurt.

Two people walked away feeling good, instead of upset.

I don't want to be around him much, but now when I have to, it will be a pleasant experience for both of us.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:50 pm 
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I also should add this thought:

Things develop over time. I find solutions come with time.

Ranei pointed out that I was no longer going to respond to the neighbor and yet e mail did get sent after that. I didn't reply to anything more he sent, in fact I didn't read it either...until I ran into him by the mail boxes and was cornered by his verbal apology. Then I read the e mail he sent after that encounter.

So, the situation changed because I did something to start to change it. I am glad I did.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:56 pm 
Not saying but asking, as being presumptuous is no for fun any of us. :) Gotcha, Ms. Surreal.

Sounds like you regress a bit when put in a position of having to draw and enforce boundaries. I can understand this; A sort of fight/flight panic mode. I think this would explain your intense emotional reaction and fearful not wanting to peek at his e-mails thingie. Your body and mind are in flight mode.

I do think you handled things wonderfully with him in that e-mail. It came from a place of kindness and respect. If you are looking to simply keep a neighborly, civil relation, then I don't see the harm in your responses to him. However, it was appearing as though you were very afraid and fearful of your safety and wanted to sever all ties - In that event, yes, your responses can be construed as an invite to keep the lines of communication open.

And good on you for finding that balance in assertion. It's HARD sometimes.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:03 pm 
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ranei- absolutely- which is why I am so glad you (and liz!!!) helped me out here. The bigger issue is 'regression" because I do freeze.

I Have made this my pet personal project over the last few months, to figure out how to change JUST this very thing, so the neighbor maybe was sent to me by god to practice :D

I love that you guys saw the underlying problem in the example of creepy neighbor and pulled it out for me :D

I was also giving it some thought and realized there is another part to this: My wants are always to have peace and accord. I always go for those first, I always try to wait for that to be possible...but it isn't always possible... and this is another post for another time- but I wanted to make the note that there is another piece to this that I might be able to look at to get over the freeze/freak out reaction.


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