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 Post subject: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:03 pm 
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As some of you may know, I moved to a new place to get away from an x with a lot of problems.

I typically make friends with my neighbors and am a very community oriented person. I have indeed met many of my neighbors and have been happy to find people generally pleasant here.

One neighbor who lives at the end of my walkway in the complex gave me his contact info about 2 weeks after I moved in. my unit is located right on the corner where the parking lot is. He parks his car in his garaged space in another building and goes up a flight of stairs on his end. So unless he parks in the lot at my door, he never walks by my apartment except to go to the mailboxes.

He is becoming scary to me. He e mails me a million times a day. he says things like "I miss you" id he hasn;t seen me fir a couple of days (we met 4 weeks ago when I moved in) - he is constantly saying things in e mail like "when you get back from your trip, let's get together" (I never told him i was going on any trip) and whn I confront him and say "what do you mean by that?" he says "your lights haven't been on in a few days when I get home from work"...

i took the commuter train with him last week MONDAY to have a train buddy and I told him in e mail before I made this arrangement with him, "Maybe we can take the train back Tuesday". he made all sorts of assumptions about where I was going, getting into my business, etc. I told him multiple times as well in person I would not be on time to meet him monday for the train. he mailed me repeatedly and in person kept insisting I call him for the train Monday. I said "MAYBE Tuesday". Monday night rolls around and sure enough there is an e mail "guess you are spending the night out since you didn't contact me for the train"...this goes on and on and on...

i did NOT get in touch with him Tuesday.

he asked me to block off my entire easter weekend to spend it with him. WTF????

he asked me for dinner sunday last week and I said yes. This was before things had started to get really weird. Then when things did start to get wierd, I said I couldn't make it. He then started to ask me for each hour of the day Saturday and sunday-

I already said I was busy SUNDAY - "what about lunch? "

Then he started in on saturday- i told him I was going to a store an hour away for furnishings, if he wanted to come he could- the weather was very bad so I decided not to go. I had already told him I was NOT FREE Saturday at all- but he could come to the store with me (he just moved in too) if he needed furnighings - so then he started with 'you can come put your feet up at my house and we can watch the rain and so on...

he was ordered Grocery items for me to keep in his house. I don;t drink caffine, so he stocked his pantry with decaf herbal tea...

he left flowers at my door.

he admitted he saw me leave my apt and then took the opportunity to place the flowers there because "he knew where I was going and would be back soon".

he sens e mails like "you are so beautiful, I ca;t wait until we are great friends"... he started signing everything "me" immediately, not his name, "me".

i am being stalked. This man lives 100 feet away from me. I am on the ground floor. I just left an abusive borderline/NPD and I am not sure what to do. HE KNOWS THIS. I told him about my situation because my ankle is broken partly because of my x, so it's a conversation starter...he knows I have been and am being stalked by my x up to yesterday.

Any advice as to how to get this person to go away and stop stalking me?


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:10 pm 
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No! I made a mistake. When he asked me for sunday dinner- I said I would have to get back to him because we were sitting on the train and I had thought I had plans, but wasn't going to be sure until further in the week. I answered him Wednesday or Thursday about it...and said no.

The odd things about the Sunday dinner was I told him I don;t drink alcohol.

One night I was talking with him and another neighbor who lived in the same place i did many moons ago, and is a wine expert, and I asked the wine expert of he knew where to get a chablis that would be appropriate with a specific type of seafood only available where we had lived.

So, the stalking neighbor hears this and thinks he is going to repeat this meal for me, that can;t be repeated here and additionally based it around a hard to get wine, which I din;t drink.

I asked the wine person about the wine for FUTURE and out of curiosity if it is available in this country AT ALL, to make conversation about his interests...next thing I know, all my 'favorites" are on crazy neighbor's grocery list and his cooking agenda.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:01 am 
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Oh dear :(
This man is simply not taking the hint is he?

From what you've written it looks like, up till now,you haven't directly told him to back off. I think you probably need to do so. Maybe a quick email saying something like:

"As you've probably gathered, your behaviour is beginning to make me uncomfortable. I'd appreciate it if you didn't contact me again"

Its good that your friendly with your other neighbours. If it was me I'd definately want them to know what is going on. Can you mention in conversation that you've been having difficulties with this guy.
If creepy neighbour knows that others are onto him, it may be a deterrant.

Sorry you're having to go through this ((hug))

So far


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 5:51 pm 
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thanks meangirl...I think I need to wratchet this up A LOT. he's NOT well.

I just had this following correspondence with him. I am really pissed off that this man thinks i OWE him ANYTHING. We MET 4 weeks ago and have had a couple of conversations and some pizza. he is constantly trying to 'do things for me" and insinuate himself into my life...this is ONE SMALL example of how he presumes to BE ME and DEMANDS things...

So I get this e mail a few hours ago after not responding to an e mail from him the evening before (we JUST MET. I AM BUSY, HE IS A LAWYER!)-

"Did I do something wrong or are you mad at me for something? I know I didn't do anything to upset you or to piss you off and its not like you to not respond to my emails. I have a few things I wanted to ask you about this upcoming weekend." Signs his proper name

I responded in blue, he is in black: Hi name,

I am confused by your e mail, I read it this way, just to clarify :D

You answered your own question
:" I know I didn't do anything to upset you or to piss you off." Huhh? Are you me? How then do you know what I think or feel about what you, as you put it, "did "?

You had asked prior: "Did I do something wrong or are you mad at me for something?" Why ask me since you already stated you know the answer? ;)

I get curious when I am asked what I think and at the same time told what I think. Especially when I am told what I think by someone else who isn't inside my head, aka, not me. I am truly confused by this whole e mail.

You said:
"and its not like you to not respond to my emails. "

This is a time stamp from the last e mail I sent to you about 25 hours ago -starting late in the afternoon in about one calendar day with a night in between: from: Surreal
To: neighbor
Sent: Tue, April 19, 2011 2:58:25 PM


So, I am not sure what you mean by "Not respond to your e mails". Is there a specific time frame during which you need a response to an non urgent/time sensitive e- mail? IF that is the case, I am not going to be able to meet that demand, just so you know upfront

As I have said to you several times now, unlike a couple of weeks ago when I had a little time to goof off on e mail, I do not have that same time to goof off right now.

This feels like a lot of drama to me and I have to continue on with my day.

I have a few things I wanted to ask you about this upcoming weekend.

I don't know if I can help you with any answers, but I can try!

Travel safe home and see you back at the condo neighbor!


He responded back just now:

"You're not the one confused, I am the one who is confused! (I'm sure you can tell by my crazy emails) I will be home around 8:30-8:45 tonight. If you have a min and would like to take a break from your work and have a smoke & a quick chat tonight, I would like that. I'll shoot you a quick email when I get home or I can call, you tell me which is better for you.

Thank You Surreal!'


Ok, this is me again- no, he is NOT taking the hint and worse, he is still looking around my storage unit which is in a cage set up in the basement, he is still TELLING me when I am in or out and TELLING me what is or isn't in my head - and much worse, he isn;t getting my boundary - he is thinking I am saying 'you didn;t do anything wrong". I wrote a stroinger version, but I didn;t use it because I have to live here and frankly, I am a little bit afraid of the situation. I want to take it slow in telling him "what the fuck is wrong with you/' but now I can see that this might not be a case for that. he's got problems- big one's.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:26 pm 
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And another e mail "I'm home!"

OMG.

I need this on top of everything else like a freaking hole in the head...X is playing games after months...new stalker...I hate living here...nothing is working out the way it is supposed to...this is ridiculous...


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:38 pm 
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and another one...."I'm home, no drama, just waanted to say I'm home :hammer

This man is LONLEY and seems to think he is entitled to have me fill that void, WTF? Doesn't e work all day??? Isn't he tired?

No. I don;t want to chat with a person who scares the crap out of me... BLECH :loco :loco :loco


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:57 pm 
There's one way to tell these people and one way to tell them, only, when they don't 'get it' - Be direct.

Really, do not pussyfoot around him in fear. You're completely entitled to let him know the contact from him is unwanted. I like mean's suggestion a lot. You don't need to ask him what the fuck his problem is or tell him he's a nutjob because you've not drawn a firm line in the sand, the behaviors have escalated, and you're beside yourself from dealing with it - and create a hostile environment. No, that'd be shitty for all. Just make it explicitly clear that his behaviors make you uncomfortable and you don't wish to engage. Why haven't you yet?


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:37 pm 
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well becasue it's only been a week since this ratched up to this level, I have been away and I am busy as hell...not to mention ill and doped up on meds...I am barely keeping my own head above water- he didn;t start toshow his flags until about last week and I got too busy to deal with it- I tried the soft approach first- also he lives 100 feeet from me and I have fears about the ground floor, all windows and a studio where people can see right in -to my bed! i don't need a psycho busting through my glass doors...i had to feel it out a little, see what i was dealing with...

the boundaries seem to be working- but I don;t want this in my life at all...

It hasn't worked as ell as maybe I would like, but time will tell- so now I am going to tell him what's what if today's boundaries didn;t accomplish anything...

thatnks for popping in Ranei- you're always such a big help.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:21 am 
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Surreal, have you not taken that sign off your back that says, "crazies please enter my life and drive me nuts!"
I kid, but man you attract 'em for some cosmic reason.

OK, as a crazy myself, let me give you the crazy perspective. Anything you say this is not 100 clear to even a chimpanzee i will read something into to it. For example, you say "It would be nice to see you but I am too busy and don't know when free again"

Normal person hearing: "She's not interested, ok..i get it"
Crazy person hearing: "She said it would be NICE...maybe once she is free..i cant wait!"

cant get the hint. Needs to be a sledgehammer, as uncomfortable as that might be. So you have some choices.

a) move away. pain in the ass, expensive, sucks to let someone else;s issue control you life...BUT problem solved.

b) with no misunderstanding, say "The stuff my ex did is still affecting me and I decided its better for me not to talk or have any dealings with men, friend or otherwies for a while. I am asking you to respect this and not contact me. If I decide when I am well I will contact you again. If you contact me after i told you this nicely, I wont be so nice. I dont want that to happen since you are a nice guy. OK? thanks".

c) if you have any guy friends that you trust, tell them what is going on and have them come over sometimes?

as I see it, those are kind of your only 3 options with this kind of mind.
I like 'b' the best, then 'a', then 'c' since 'c' could yield rejection or escalate his thinking..

Any of this sound good??

-Crazy expert

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-“Your greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look.”
-"The greatest con that he ever pulled...was making you believe...that he is you."

(quotes from movie "Revolver")


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 3:05 am 
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surreal,
I agree with meanggrl and highpoly. I think you got to be direct with him. Polite but direct. Let him know you feel uncomfortable with him contacting you day and night. Tell him you need him to respect your private space.

hugs to you. So sorry you're going through this.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:43 am 
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Thanks MM- Working on it now. The boundaries I did put into place seem to be working so far- as in my mailbox has not been flooded with "good morning" messages...

Hipoly LOL

Another of my friends suggested C...I thought it might be an invitation for crazy neighbor to 'try harder" or become enraged that i would 'lead him on and turn out to be a jezabel"!

As for attracting crazies- I have taken the sign down...I used to have another one 'I am crazy, if you like that, here I am" - both have come down.


My friend tells a story about cats...

stray cats will go around the neighborhood meowing at doors...they will meow at every door until one opens. It's not that the cats come looking for one specific house, it's that they go into the door that opens...i stopped opening the doors...it's the meowing i am trying to stop listening to...

geesh...try to be neighborly and ...gheeesh...none of the other 7 neighbors act this way and I didn't treat them any differently.

So, so far so good - if he persists, I will get more direct.

thanks for weighing in HP.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:52 am 
oh surreal, if people are psycho, they're psycho whether or not we're nice and polite. lol.

I'm not advocating you be purposefully rude, of course. There's no reason to stir the pot. I realize it sounds like I am oversimplifying it, but sometimes oversimplifying it is the last(and best) thing that gets tried.

I have a (married) neighbor who is something of a peeping tom and a creeper. I've put down my 'nice' boundaries a few times but he wasn't getting it, just like this one. Finally I straight out told him he makes me uncomfortable, and not to speak to me anymore. A couple times he e-mailed with sorries but then would follow it up with "But I can't help it if I have a sexy neighbor with nice boobs". Ok, get out of my face. I was mad but what am I going to do? I just delete the mails and stopped engaging, showing him I meant what I said. And finally, he's stopped. If he hadn't, then I would have gone to the next step.

There's no telling people's reactions but we have a right to our boundaries and a right to protect ourselves. If being direct triggers something within him and he goes nuts, then you get legal help if necessary. But please don't be afraid, because you don't deserve to be uncomfortable in your own living quarters, you OWN that right to exercise your boundaries and not put up with people's stupid shit. You own it, girl. Now exercise it.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 9:01 am 
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oh, thats good..i am glad he cut back on the crazy. I hope he sticks with it. Yea, i wondered too about (c) might make him jealous and try harder. Its like you told me though, you say what you need to and control your actions without as much as possible trying to anticipate his reaction. In this case its not so cut and dry.

Keep us posted. if he doesnt let up, tell him HP will open up a can 'o whoop ass on him for bothering my pal! seriously! a whole can of it! : )

_________________
-“Your greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look.”
-"The greatest con that he ever pulled...was making you believe...that he is you."

(quotes from movie "Revolver")


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:07 am 
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Raeni wrote:
oh surreal, if people are psycho, they're psycho whether or not we're nice and polite. lol.


I have a (married) neighbor who is something of a peeping tom and a creeper. I've put down my 'nice' boundaries a few times but he wasn't getting it, just like this one. Finally I straight out told him he makes me uncomfortable, and not to speak to me anymore. A couple times he e-mailed with sorries but then would follow it up with "But I can't help it if I have a sexy neighbor with nice boobs". Ok, get out of my face. I was mad but what am I going to do? I just delete the mails and stopped engaging, showing him I meant what I said. And finally, he's stopped. If he hadn't, then I would have gone to the next step.

There's no telling people's reactions but we have a right to our boundaries and a right to protect ourselves. If being direct triggers something within him and he goes nuts, then you get legal help if necessary. But please don't be afraid, because you don't deserve to be uncomfortable in your own living quarters, you OWN that right to exercise your boundaries and not put up with people's stupid shit. You own it, girl. Now exercise it.


OMG Are you serious???? What a cad!

yeah- i will do a little wait and see and then I will sick hipoly on him :D :D :D

i have just decided to forget neighbor exists ...I mean, hello? Known you for a few weeks and this is how you act? BUH BYE! I am busy living...don;t have time for this shit. I owe him nothing as a basic stranger..


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:13 am 
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thats right!! : )

Probably just annoying is all...he will get the hint. Sounds like maybe starting to (hopefully)
I'll keep my can of whoop ass standing by just in case.

_________________
-“Your greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look.”
-"The greatest con that he ever pulled...was making you believe...that he is you."

(quotes from movie "Revolver")


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:13 pm 
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Nope- here is the latest:

Hello Surreal,

I have a couple of things I want to bring by when I get home tonight if you're going to be around. Also I know its late but I have an open seat at the Red Barn on Sunday afternoon if you would like to join me & my sister. I would like you to come but first would like to chat with you in person and tonight would be best for me

Look forward to hearing back from you soon!

name
manipulative crazy person. i have said NO to him in writing, in several different kinds of ways, and in person several times over the last week but if he brings (bribes) me something,

disgusting obsequious troll weasil....

hipoly- can you be my "beard"?


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 5:52 pm 
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My response:

Hi name,

You said: "Also I know its late but I have an open seat at the Red Barn on Sunday afternoon if you would like to join me & my sister. I would like you to come "

I sent this to you last week:

From: surreal
To: name
Sent: Fri, April 15, 2011 1:42:31 PM
Subject: Re: Work Update

"I am not making social plans for next weekend right now, so please do not cordon off time for me. I can not commit to it. "


I also said I am not available, in person, more than three times. You further remarked you wanted to make sure I had a place to go on Easter. I thanked you for that thought and repeated again "no". I get the impression you are not hearing me when I speak if I have to repeat myself on very straight forward matters; "yes' and 'no" questions. I am uncomfortable with this pattern.

I don't want to chat or use my break time tonight to do so. This kind of stuff is not a good distraction for me and doesn't respect my time, so I am stepping out of the "conversation".

I wish you a good weekend and a safe trip home from the office.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 5:53 pm 
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It's not going to do it- it's going to escalate a flurry of 'I'm sorry's" and BS.

Or a cold shoulder...ugh..DRAMA!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:02 pm 
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I think if you are writing that way, eventually he will get it. People lose energy after hearing no so many times. Just keep at it (i know it sucks you have to even do that) but it seems like will work if keep it up. Or you could introduce to one of your 'frenemies' and let him latch on to her. : )

_________________
-“Your greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look.”
-"The greatest con that he ever pulled...was making you believe...that he is you."

(quotes from movie "Revolver")


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:28 pm 
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At this point, I just stop responding at all. D O N E.

I said what I had to say and it's O V A H !

BLECH YICH BLACH!

I will update when he comes knocking on the door with more stinkin' flowers...oh crap, I have his glass...I'll be leaving THAT outside tomorrow in the middle of the day when he's at work...


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:40 pm 
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hipoly,

I left you a message in shoot the breeze section...


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:16 pm 
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ugh, I can;t look...I can see the snippett of the first line of his response "OK, I get the message, I guess I am thick"..

NO, you don't get the message if this kind of manipulation and kindergarten BS is how you respond.
:loco :loco :loco :loco :loco :liar :liar :liar :nono :nono :nono :>P :>P :>P :>P :>P :>P :>P :>P

I hate this crap. Trying to make people feel guilty for one's own bad behavior is soooooooo not cool.


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - UPDATE!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 8:00 pm 
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T I M E and patience...the miracle of boundaries...he's still who he is, but at least I know boundaries are now part of my neighborhood...

I got this e mail this evening

I'm sorry, you're right. I need to think less and listen more. You want to laugh, I thought of you today when my sister told me I wasn't "hearing her" when she was speaking to me!

Gee where have I heard that recently? ROFLOL.

I am working on it, believe me, you were correct in everything you told me.


I replied:

ROFLOL.

We humans help each other grow and learn, TOGETHER!


Then this one:
Thank you being so understanding, I was referring to the other times I had failed to "hear you" ( it wasn't a one time event, I was sort of on a massive steak there living in my own world like nothing else mattered to anyone else except me).


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - I need your wisdom friends
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 9:32 pm 
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you really meant that? "we humans help each other to grow?"


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 Post subject: Re: I need some help with a problem - UPDATE!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 9:47 pm 
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surreal wrote:
We humans help each other grow and learn, TOGETHER!



Surreal, how much are you wanting this person to be a part of your life? I haven't read the whole thread here thoroughly but I thought you were wanting to distance yourself from him and/or cut him out altogether if possible. If I'm off, then just forget my thought here. To me, your words to this person are encouraging him to think you want to have more of a connection with him, not less. Again, if I'm off, then disregard my post.


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