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 Post subject: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2011 10:57 pm 
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I was all ready to go to sleep when my phone rang. I saw the caller and knew I had to pick up because she doesn't ever call at odd hours.

i also know she is having a lot of trouble with her untreated bi polar live in boyfriend. he self medicates with marijuana.

She can;t leave right now for financial reasons and is suicidal. There is more background here that is extremely complicated...but i have never heard her like this before.

I have already had one friend commit suicide.

I don;t think I could take another one. I am have not at all begun to deal with that first event and it is coming up on a few years now...


i am very sad right now and feel very helpless.

I am too far away from her to be of any help...i can;t even lend her the money to leave because I don;t have any.

I feel really sad for my friend.

I also want to be very careful how to respond because I used to listen to my other friend a lot and look how that turned out...

sigh...


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2011 1:41 am 
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Surreal,

I just wanted to let you know I hear you are sad for your friend. Is there any self care you could do for yourself that might help with how you feel about the situation?

I find it hard to know what to do in these situations. On one hand, it might be one of those situations where she just needs a friend to listen, and yes there's suicidal ideation, but she's just having a rough spell. On the other hand, there is an appropriate time when a good friend or family member needs to step in dramatically. It is hard too tell sometimes.

I don't really know what to say but I hear you.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2011 7:25 am 
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Thank you.

Yes. I don't know which it is.

Thank you

hugs


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2011 4:46 pm 
Hi Surreal,

I always get nervous when people suicide talk. I don't know if I'm supposed to get help for them or just hear them out. If they're talking with a plan or they're talking like they're just fed up and and at the end of their rope. It's hard, I know. But I think it's important to ask them if they have a plan; You want to be able to gauge what sort of help you may be able to find for them.

So I keep in mind that while I certainly can't stop anyone, I can listen and be empathetic, no judgement. I let them know I care for them and the hope that i have for them. People who are hurting that badly are carrying around a huge weight on their shoulders. Sometimes just knowing they have a kind ear helps chip away just a little bit at it.

I would give her phone numbers to some suicide hotlines as well as for some women's shelters, if she is dealing with any abuse. If you think her life is in immediate danger then of course contact emergency services. I even suggest calling the suicide hotlines yourself as I have done that in the past when I had no idea what to do or say.


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2011 7:59 pm 
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Thanks raeni -

Me calling a hotline and asking for advice is great advice!

I do listen. The problem is that listening doesn't involve hearing about her pain or her troubles. What we are discussing is the method - a 'how to", if you will. And it's not in semi serious jest either; "oh kill me please" or y'know, if I have to put up with my boss one more day I am going to have to kill myself".

The is a deathness (i am making up words) in her tone and affect that I have never heard before. I have seen her go through some very tough things. But this time...she is not rallying the way she does. she is taking steps and doing the right things. It's her mood I am concerned about. There is an angryish (born from depression and anxiety) determination to talk out the plans. She will not deviate. Maybe it was just that one conversation and she is rebalanced somewhat today...I didn't speak to her yet. But last night, she needed to talk those plans through with me and get to the bottom of the most effective and least painful ways to go. And my opinions and experience.

I know in my heart somewhere she isn't going to do anything to act. but on the other hand, ANYONE can get pushed over the edge, and as strong as she is, and she is like iron in a lot of ways, she has had enough shit in her life that she has every right to be at that edge.

I don't know how to listen to this well because I did this once before and although i was the listener, I also feel partly responsible for my friend's death- in a VERY SMALL measure, because I was angry with her months before. And we hadn't spoken in a few months...i was busy trying to get my own life stabilized and had started my relationship with BPDX. So, I ... I will call a hotline and ask...

i am better to explain today, not woken out of a half sleep and then posting like yesterday, there are some more details included in this post... If anyone has some advice for me on how to help myself out here while still being there for my friend who I care about very much....bring it?


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 11:10 am 
How are things going, surreal?



I am sorry to hear you blame yourself, even if only a tiny bit. Although it's so common and most survivors of suicide victims feel this way. Have you ever gotten any grief counseling?


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 8:49 pm 
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Hey Raeni-

Thanks for checking and keeping up with me.

I was in therapy at the time of the suicide. So I was safe.

It's coming up on three years in a few weeks. It has only been in the last several months that i have started to blame myself. it's the oddest thing.

I knew I had not addressed the issue in the way it needed to be done. I moved out of state shortly after and I lost my therapist and didn't really need therapy anymore...except for the "suicide thing" and dealing with the grief. i was moving and I made a decision to NOT deal with it until I was more stabilized...and that hasn't actually happened yet (that part I did NOT expect)...so I never REALLY dealt with it and I knew it.

Maybe it's time?

Thanks for being here Raeni.

surreal


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2011 1:52 am 
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surreal wrote:
so I never REALLY dealt with it and I knew it.

Maybe it's time?



surreal

'giving' you all the courage you need to deal with the suicide three years ago.

Btw how's this suicidal friend now and how are you coping?


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2011 8:29 pm 
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Thanks MM.

She is doing better, but she is still pretty tapped out and upset. Her BF has his pot stash replenished so he is "on his meds" and is acting more rational now. He has agreed to therapy. I don;t think she is going to Joint counseling for the right reasons, but it is where she is right now.

i haven't heard from her in two days which worries me because I think she just getting more tapped and stressed each day.

I am coping ok. I remembered what I did when my first friend was like this. "there is nothing I can do about it. this isn't my path or my decision".

My first friend..i understand her completely. I know exactly WHY she chose the path she did, and as much as I miss her and regret her too early end, i know she is at peace in a way she never was here. I didn't have to wake up as her every morning. I didn't have to live her very reality based pain. i wish it had been different, but it wasn't.

Today I spent the day at the beach, second in a row with my excellent, very smart, extremely funny, darling soul...very cute neighbor. As I spend more time with him and do activities with him, I let the other stuff go. It was ok to worry for my friend at the moment, but I have to live my life as if it were my own last day...and that's what I am doing.

I have been so destabilized and miserable for so long with my x, it's time for me to recharge and start living again. It's time for me to 'find myself" again.

And doing it with an amazing man (with no sexual implications as he is focused elsewhere, even though I find myself wondering... ;) ) is just the right medicine.

*sigh* big BIG *sigh*

How are you doing my dear?


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2011 10:14 pm 
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hey surreal
am glad to hear that you are learning to live your own life, and living it happily too :)

It's true that the choices people make are theirs and not ours, so I guess as much as you care for your friend you got to live your own life too.


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2011 10:01 pm 
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yeah.

I think I was just feeling a little scared because I have been down this road before and I love my alive friend very much.


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2011 2:20 am 
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surreal wrote:
yeah.

I think I was just feeling a little scared because I have been down this road before and I love my alive friend very much.


Well I think continuing to be there for her when she needs you will help her :) hopefully :)
sometimes suicidal people just need to know that someone cares, I say this as someone who has been there :)


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2011 9:52 am 
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yes.

and remember IF you ever hit that bottom again, WE are here for you.

love and peace,

surreal


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 6:42 am 
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thanks Surreal

struggled with rejection feelings today, from exco issue... Sigh, it happened in November and yet, the rejection pain is still with me... In my head I know it's not a rejection, yet my feelings feel like it's a rejection... it's so frustrating... had very mild suicidal thoughts, but am feeling better after taking an evening walk with my two puppies :)


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 Post subject: Re: suicidal friend ...how to respond?
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 6:51 am 
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thanks for posting MM...it's great you went out for a walk with the pups and let the feelings just come and go while you took a healthy action. BE PROUD!!!!!!

I'm sorry you are still struggling... keep posting and hanging out with us...

Surreal


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