BPDRecovery.com: Forums

All my life I can remember having trouble with my selfconfidence and my selfvalue - so when I heard that I had been diagnosed with a personality disorder: BPD, I was not surprised. Since then, about two years ago I have been in treatment and I have much better insight in who I am, why I am the way I am and where things are going wrong. Slowly but surely I am learning to accept who I am on the inside.

However, lately - on the side of my treatment, I have shifted focus from what is on the inside to what is on the outside. I have become completely obsessed with the way I look, every little inch of my body, ever freckle, every bumb, every curve and every patch. I loathe my entire being - inside and out, but seeing as the outside is everyone's first impression the focus has become unbearable. I cannot have a conversation anymore, because I won't hear what the other person is saying because I am either worrying about my looks, or comparing them to the other person. Most of the times, I don't even leave the house. I am so afraid people will judge me the way I judge myself, and if they would it would just crush me. I don't know what to do, because this is affecting every aspect of my life - especially my relationships.

Can someone help me? Can anyone relate - and if so, has anything worked for you?
A.

HI Anika,

I think what you are talking about is about externalizing your inner "ugly" feelings. But it helped me to fight the outer obsession too.

I thought of some other things that I did. I looked at magazines published for women of size. Cant recall the names but Barnes and Noble etc has them. Look online too. There are fantastic images of women who do not fit the "perfect little petite norm" who look proud, well dressed, and plump. : ) I also checked out books from the library with pictures from the painter Peter Paul Rubens (Rubenesque) : ) Being plump and having cottage cheese thighs was actually GORGEOUS during some periods of history. I made collages and hung them in my room. I even thought of posting them in the gym on a secret mission, but never did.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_ ... 8Rubens%29

There's a whole movement of rebels who are tired of the idolized images.

Oh, i saw a film that was pretty neat called disfigured. Didnt agree with everything they said, but it was pretty neat...

http://www.disfiguredmovie.com/

Even if some of these things I did focused more on giving a broader definition to what is acceptable on the outside (rather than just accepting a broader definition of our "ugly" internal world), it still helps me to start there sometimes. It can be fun to be the rebel too. : )

Liz -

thank you for your posts. I believe there is a lot in what you say. First of all, I am sure this obsession about the way I look stems from the borderline (with a little bit of being a normal woman, as you say...) It's just really frustrating. I sometimes feel that the way I look is standing in the way of my recovery from bpd. And of course, the thoughts are constantly close to "if only I were skinnier," "if only I had ONE good hairday" "if only my boobs were bigger".. and so on. I used to truly believe that all I needed was some plastic surgery and I'd be happy. But in time I have learned that the problem doesn't lie there - it's deeper than that. What is worse is, I can say this and believe all the logic - but those feelings of awkwardness and search for constant approval are still always there. But it's a start

I think what you did with your research is great. Do you believe that was what helped you the most, or that it mostly just came along with the natural recovery? What I am struggling with is the battle between my head and my "heart" really - logically (again) I know I am a very smart girl and I know that OF COURSE that poster is photoshopped, and of course I am not the UGLIEST person in the world, I also know that of course most people are so selfrevolving that if I don't comment on all my flaws, no one will even notice them. BUT - the obsession is still just so intense. I see the perfect people (real or not) and I see the not-so-perfect people, but I am so good at picking up on what can hurt me, so I will pay attention to the perfect people, compare myself to them and KNOW that I will come out like the less-good-enough, but I still do it. It truly is like an OCD. Only, I feel sometimes that I have brought myself to this level, and now I can't go back as easily.

I put myself in another category than other people, the category where in order to be good enough, one must be SUPER GOOD, super pretty, super smart, super sexy, super interesting etc etc... Other people, these "imperfect" people are WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL people to me, it's nearly impossible for me to notice any flaws in anyone other than myself.

I think Liz said it better than I ever could have, so i will chime in with a book recommendation:

"the body image workbook".

If you have a therapist, this is something you can do for homework and maybe talk over some of the results with her.

I had Severe body dismorphic disorder. At a size 00 I would not leave the house because I was fat and ugly. I was NOT anorexic or bulemic, I ate. But I was convinced ...basically of everything you said...

I am now a plump size 12 - 14, totally out of shape and almost 40- y'know what? I couldn;t give a rat's ass. I FEEL great on the INSIDE!

I am not recommending you be out of shape or over weight. i am recommending that in case this ever happens to you , you have the mindset that allows you to live your life freely...

I think back on being a 00 zero and not going outside because of how "ugly and fat" I was...I would love to be a size 8 right now...oh the stupidity of these diseases...such a waste of life...

My suggestion is to tell those "messages" from the disease to SHUT UP!

Surreal -

it's interesting (but of course not fortunate) that you had BDD. I have read a lot about it, and have had many thoughts on whether or not I have a little bit of that in me as well. I bought a book called The broken mirror, which is about the same thing. A good book.

I am happy to hear that you are happy with yourself on the inside. I have full belief that I need to sort some things out on my inside before I can ever accept the way I look, which ever size that would be. It's just difficult. Very difficult. But then, I know you know this. How long did it take for you to get to where you are today?

I had the disease for ...let's see...started when I was about 7 (there is a good reason for that. i wasn;t BORN that way) and lasted until I was in my late 20's.

i started to REALLY address it at that time. once I found a good program and worked it...it took about 3 months to rid myself of it for good.Yup. Had I taken 3 months when I was 19...my whole life would have been different.

my advice? My story isn;t yours, but the sooner you start, the sooner you finish- get TREATED NOW!

and..look into that book...

Hi again.
So, I'm working on what we've been talking about - but there's been new development. Sort of, actually - return of old development really. I have a husband, I'm not sure if I mentioned this - but, as expected my "bdd behaviors", if we should call them that - are REALLY, REALLY getting in the way. He wants to be with me, and I pull away - physically and emotionally. I am so afraid he'll see how ugly I am and leave me! Only, he has told me so many times that if I can't stop this obsessing he won't be able to take it anymore. Now, don't misunderstand - my husband and I have been together for three years and I have been sick the whole time, though this bdd behavior is rather new. The problem, as my husband sees it; is my response to those "ugly feelings" that I have. It's one thing feeling ugly, and talking about feeling ugly - but it has just gone so far now.. and I can't seem to stop it. I love my husband above everything in this world, but I just CANNOT bare revealing my ugliness to him.

An example; this whole week. After coming home I rush to the bedroom, turn off all the lights and physically push him away if he comes close. Myself I think "when I look better I will make it up to him", and at the time it makes sense to me. Then, the few times I do come out I spend hours in the bathroom picking at my face, plucking my eyebrows, measuring my waist - stuff like that. I'm telling you, it's like OCD. This weekend I have finally come out of the bedroom, but whenever he is in the same room I turn away from him, or turn off all the lights. When we were supposed to go to bed tonight I pulled out our extra matress into our entrance - because the bedroom was lit up by the lights outside our window. The entrance was dark and to me it made, and makes perfect sense. Of course, my husband doesn't see it like that - and I can understand that too.. BUT it doesn't change the fact that I end up screaming and clawing and ranting like a crazy person if I try to be near him - the thought of another person seeing my face is horrifying. And most certainly not my husband, I cannot lose him out of being so ugly. It's anxiety and panic in one effing milkshake and I literally feel like I am dying. My entire body is screaming for me to run and hide because I am a monster.

So, here I am. My husband is sleeping, and it's 06:00 in the morning here.. and I still haven't fallen asleep. I am literally running back and forth to the bathroom to check my face, and dreading the week to come - having to show myself at work, on the bus, to my friends. It's just not possible. I already now feel I need to cancel, call in sick. I've done it so many times before.

I apologize for the long and utterly depressing post - I just had to get it out. I don't know what to do. My looks have become this obsession for me and I can't get rid of it. I can't live a normal life because of this. And I feel like I've tried everything! But those thoughts are still there, and if I don't react by leaving or hiding I go absolutely crazy. Like I said before, bananas. Screaming, throwing things around, defending myself with violence if someone tries to come near. I don't like myself.

How do I treat this OCD? And how do I make the journey bearable to my husband? I cannot lose him to this obsession. He's the love of my life, the one I want to share my life with, a family and the whole package. And I know he loves me too, but there is only so much a person can take. He can't love a person forever if he's never allowed to see her.

So what's the next step?
Please, I need help - I need to beat this before it gets even worse.

I think you might look into intensive day programs (PHP) or inpatient and drop the labels from your mind (bdd, bpd, etc)

Staying up all night long to pick at and measure yourself is a serious warning sign of instability.

Your relationships are being wrecked.

This is not going to go away on it's own. It is serious. You are describing someone who is on the brink or already falling off a cliff.

My advice?

Get intensive professional help and stop feeling/acting helpless and like your current T has to give you permission to be the diagnosis they see fit. Get self responsible and self motivated and creative in your use of resources to resolve this problem now.

I know it sucks. You are the only one who can take the initiative and do the work. All of this is in your hands only.

I have nothing more to offer.