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 Post subject: A Bit New to This and Would Like Guidance
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:35 pm 
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Hi all,

I'm a new member here, so I'm not sure to whom I should direct this post. My apologies for going against the rules of this forum, but I'd prefer to have a conversation with one person than many at the moment.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 19 and am now 25. I am high-functioning but act out particularly on my husband. We have a lot of life changes coming up, and I feel that the coping techniques I learned at 19 are not really helpful at the moment. As such, I would like some guidance.

My husband and I will be moving to the UK from the States this fall. I was accepted into a PhD program and he is going there to advance his work career. I am incredibly blessed to be able to earn a PhD, considering I was rejected from seven schools in the States. I'm very excited, but I feel my fears may be manifesting themselves improperly.

Lately I've been having paranoid thoughts of my husband cheating on me. I've had several relationship issues (in general) lately: my best friend was hurt by something I said (I got angry with her when she forgot to show up to work when she was supposed to cover for me) and decided she 'needed a break' and stopped speaking to me entirely for over two months; my mother's erratic reaction to my move to the UK has caused me to cut down contact with here tremendously because I end up sobbing every time she speaks to me (she says things like "If you decide to have my grandchild over there, don't think I'll ever come to visit you." Fears of this kind of response triggered a panic attack before I told her about the move); and with my husband constantly traveling to the UK for work currently, I alternate between clinging and pushing--something that is inevitably difficult for him. The amalgamation of these issues has made me panicked. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone and have, therefore, begun cutting people out more and more as a preparation for moving (as I know I will see them far less).

I tried to use some of the tools on the site and began really seeing my "twisted thinking" in relation to the delusion of my husband cheating. Recent news stories of cheating men only amplify my emotions, so it has gotten to the point that I googled methods to cope, which is how I came to this site. The tools helped immensely: I already feel calmer about that particular thought. However, I know there is more I need to work on and I'm not sure how the tools can help me with everything. For example, when I deflect my fears of moving onto another thing (e.g. fear of moving can transpire as fear of abandonment), how can the tools help with that? How do you start fully integrating these things into your life? Journals?

I hope you can give me some advice on beginning this process (as I would like to not have to go back to therapy). Many thanks. :-)


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 Post subject: Re: A Bit New to This and Would Like Guidance
PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 10:09 am 
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Welcome to BPDR, Aalynia! (I moved your post from the Conversation Corner forum to On The Border. CC is usually reserved for two specific individuals to have a conversation without interruption or distraction from other BPDR members and OTB is more of a general discussion area. If you would prefer this to be somewhere else (like Season Passes or One Step at a Time) just let me know and we can move it again.)

Congratulations on the PhD - that's awesome to hear!

I'm glad that the tools have started helping a bit. Your post didn't really make it clear where you were/are right now. You said you'll be moving from the UK to the States but then said that your husband is constantly traveling TO the UK so I'm not quite sure where you are right now. It only 'matters' insofar as getting an idea of what resources might be available to you locally right now.

The tools themselves aren't going to be linear. What I mean by that is: you won't be able to start with The Five Steps, learn it, work it, master it and then move on to The Four Agreements, learn it, work it, master it, etc. You'll basically dabble in all of them throughout the recovery process.

Recovery is like building a house, right? If you're building a house, you can't decide "I need the hammer" and build a house entirely with a hammer. Hammering a screw into a stud isn't terribly productive. When faced with a screw, a better tool to reach for is the screwdriver. There might be times when you want sandpaper to smooth something off. Other times might call for a jackhammer. Other instances still might require a sensitive level. Each situation is going to need a different type of tool to work through and that's what the BPDR Tools are all about. Using what you need when you need it.

Eventually, you'll become comfortable enough with the tools that you'll start to be able to use multiple tools at one time. For instance, when you're assessing what the problem is via the Five Steps, you might recognize some Twisted Thinking and be able to apply one or more of the Four Agreements.

For a starting place, I would recommend one of two things - whichever works or feels best for you.

One - you could pick a Tool (whichever one feels right to you now) and keep that at the top of your consciousness for the next couple of weeks. Think about it when you're stopped in traffic. Consider the principles of it in the shower in the morning or while cooking dinner. Keep awareness of the tool as you go through your day and see where & when it applies or could be useful.

Two - pick a specific incident (in the recent or distant past) and focus on applying a tool to it. I usually start with The Five Steps. Look at how things played out and then imagine how things would have been different if you'd been able to use the tool. If you'd made a different choice or looked at the problem differently, how would it have felt when all was said and done? Practicing using a tool in retrospect (after the fact) is a good way to train your brain to work with the tool(s).

I hope that helps!

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 Post subject: Re: A Bit New to This and Would Like Guidance
PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 10:38 am 
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Thanks for moving me to a better forum. I just really didn't want my post to be visible to the public eye, so OtB is perfectly acceptable to me.

I'm sorry for muddling the time line. Things are rather hectic and I can sometimes assume that--since it makes sense to ME--it makes sense to everyone.

My husband has been traveling to the UK for the past 3-4 months. Frequently it will be 2-3 weeks in the UK, 1-2 weeks home. Occasionally, even when he is in the States, he'll be traveling elsewhere in the States. As such, I see him rarely and cling to him when he is home. When he is about to leave, I push him away--claim he's cheating on me or whatnot--to ease the pain [although frankly I feel it can make things worse for me].

He was asked to move to the UK for a couple years and--after my initial temper tantrum--I decided to apply for PhD programs there since I was rejected here. I visited the UK, met with a few potential advisors, and was accepted to a program with a scholarship. So the move will be for both of us, but in the interim, he still needs to travel for his current work over there. I hope this makes more sense.

I tend to be a very linear person. I know BPDs generally split and have black/white thinking, but for myself, my coping technique had been to make myself "white"--the best, most perfect, person I can be. I do this through structure and such, so "dabbling" is a gray area with which I am unaccustomed! I will try my best to be a bit more flexible. However, I readily admit that when you mentioned the analogy of building a house, my first reaction was "Yeah, but you DO need to build the foundation first, then the supports, and so on." I began to bend your analogy to fit my typical way of thinking. I see your point about using the correct tool at the correct time...I just hope I'll know when and what. :-)

I guess another problem is that since I AM high-functioning, when I begin to have an issue, I feel I can only talk to a few people about it and, likewise, the issue is pushed on only a very small amount of people. The vast majority of people think there is not a single thing wrong with me. I'm smart, pretty, and charismatic in the workplace and in the classroom; but self-critical, ugly, and angry at home. It's almost like multiple personalities that I feign to have control over. It's always been such a weird thought to me to be like this.

When I went to therapy at 19, I was promiscuous and acted totally abnormally and irrationally for myself. Now I've swept into the complete opposite extreme where I'm prudish and overly conservative. I KNOW that's not my genuine self, but I'm so afraid that if I let go of the "white" image, then I'll slip back to the way I was and lose everything I've accomplished. I'm also not quite so sure what my genuine self is, and how to begin seeing the gray areas of the world.

I've already done option 2 with the situation in which my friend stopped speaking to me. If I had HALTed and assessed my emotions of Anger and Tiredness, I may have reacted differently and we may have had a different situation.

Thank you for your suggestions and warm welcome. :-)


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 Post subject: Re: A Bit New to This and Would Like Guidance
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 8:24 am 
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I am also trying to understand. I find your use of pronouns confusing. It really is only about trying to hook you up with resources...

You and your husband are both american?

You both are living in the united states?

You were accepted to a PHD program in the UK?

Your husband travels to work in the UK?

You are BOTH moving to the UK in the next few weeks?

Your family of origen lives in the US?

His family of origen lives in the US?


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 Post subject: Re: A Bit New to This and Would Like Guidance
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 8:44 pm 
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I'm not particularly sure how all those details will help you and, honestly, I currently feel a bit uncomfortable giving every little minute detail out. The reason I feel comfortable on this board is because of a guise of anonymity.

That said, yes, we are both US-born and raised and are moving to the UK.


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 Post subject: Re: A Bit New to This and Would Like Guidance
PostPosted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:56 am 
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Aalynia wrote:
I'm not particularly sure how all those details will help you


As was said:

Quote:
It really is only about trying to hook you up with resources...



and, honestly, I currently feel a bit uncomfortable giving every little minute detail out. No one asked for every "minute detail", only clarification of what you already volunteered.

The reason I feel comfortable on this board is because of a guise of anonymity.

That said, yes, we are both US-born and raised and are moving to the UK. OK, this makes things more clear and therefore easier to address what you wrote.


It sounds like you know you are "high functioning". It sounds like you know you have to get help, but almost like you don't "want" to because you are ashamed or feeling vulnerable and uneasy or________? Is this a little bit accurate? Can you explain a little more about what's going on and where the barriers are for you?

Do you have clear reasons to take the leap of faith and get help, which outweigh any uneasy or painful feelings you might have about opening up?

Have you talked yet with the university, or looked on line, etc at the available student resources for psychiatric care once you arrive?

here is a brief snapshot on DBT in the UK, which you may have already seen, http://www.mind.org.uk/help/medical_and ... ur_therapy

have you looked into your living situation and what supports (like the student gym, cafeteria, support groups) there might be for you?

Do you know the laws in the UK for students regarding what you are entitled to in terms of social support (medicine)?

If you are starting in the Fall term does this mean you have a summer in the US to do an intensive DBT program or something else?


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