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 Post subject: Who Am I? And How To Accept The Person I Don't Know I Am?
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 6:49 am 
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Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 8:40 am
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I'm relatively new here at BPDrecovery, but I have done plenty of the homework that is listed here. Among others,
the one about my Genuine Self. I am having trouble with that one.

I have always been the girl wanting to please everyone around me. That could mean saying "Yes" when I really meant "No" or saying "Yeah, of course I like to party" when really I just wanted to stay home with a book.
I've realized that most of my life I have ADAPTED onto others in a way that just isn't normal. I don't know who I am anymore - and maybe I never have known. It's such a natural thing for me to do - being one person with one friend and being another with another friend. I understand now that it is because of my fear of rejection. I've been thinking "if I am like them, they'll like me" my entire life. I have done it so much it has caused me to lose track of who I really am. Have I even developed my own personality? Or only adopted pieces of others? How do I accept a person I don't know?

Of course there is social adapting, which is normal. Like not swearing in front of your grandparents, or talking about how naughty that sex was the other day when you're with a friend who is an extremely religious virgin. But I am constantly finding myself caught in the middle. I am freakishly afraid of spending time with several people at the same time - fearing my mask will be busted.

I am so afraid of saying the "wrong" thing, making the "wrong" decisions and being the "wrong person" that I have hid my personality so well, that I don't know what is real and what is not.

This also goes for critisism. I am very sensitive to critisism - critisism means I did something wrong and my initial and final feeling is I AM WRONG. So then I flee to being someone else, not knowing if who I was critisized for is my true me, or the person I turn into.

Is anyone else going through the same/similar thing?


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 Post subject: Re: Who Am I? And How To Accept The Person I Don't Know I Am?
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 5:05 pm 
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Hi Anika,

I relate very much to your post.

The analogy of the mirrorball indicates that we with BPD have a fragmented sense of self. I think this fragmentation comes from not feeling able to unite different parts of ourselves incase we are abandoned which you mentioned in your post. We all have different aspects to our true selves, and those aspects are reflected in our relationships. It's hard to find one person, or group of people who reflect and satisfy all these parts of ourselves, in fact it's nearly impossible. I have friends who I laugh a lot with bc those people get my sense of humour. I have other friends who I share highly personal information about my life with, bc they get how my emotional structure works. I have friends who I see art exhibitions with and may not laugh a lot with or share personal things with, but they get my appreciation and outlook on art. My closest friends get more aspects of myself than less close friends, but not everything. No-one gets the whole lot. Only me. I'm unique: we all are. I have a friend, a very good friend, who when she is with my 'funny friends' thinks I'm a bit weird, bc she doesn't get my humour with them. And I feel the same when she's with her 'funny friends'. We have different senses of humour. We've known eachother long enough that we appreciate that and accept that limitation of our friendship. She is also comfortable enough with who she is to not feel alienated or threatened by the fact that our jokes make no sense to her. I don't bring her and my funny friends together a lot, bc they don't work together all that well. C'est la vie!

Each aspect of me is true to me and that's ok. That doesn't make me fragmented.

Fragmentation, IMO, comes from not feeling we'll be accepted if someone sees a part of ourselves that they don't 'get' - a part of ourselves that isn't reflected in that relationship. We adapt ourselves to be approved of, and in doing so we aren't being true to ourselves. We are compromising our genuine self. It leaves us feeling insecure bc we know deep down that this cannot be sustained, especially when we bring different friends together. So we modify ourselves so that we're the same as the person we're with, bc we know that people like to spend time with those they have things in common with. This is called mirroring. We might laugh at jokes we don't think are funny, or express opinions we don't really have. We may also end up doing things which we know are wrong or just don't sit right with us. And this leads to guilt and shame.

It's a risk to stop this behaviour. To stop compromising our beliefs and core values. We might find that our friends reject us. But the people I like aren't mirror images of me. Often they have quite different qualities to me which I admire and respect and simply find intriguing. I like to hear their different point of view bc it gives me food for thought, to check my core belief systems and to learn. I know that my friends not only like the aspects of me that we have in common but also the aspects of me that we don't. Not everything, but some things. And that makes our friendship even stronger. The risk of being true to ourselves is being rejected, but by not being true to ourselves we also risk missing out on a deepening of our relationship.

But that risk of being rejected, man, it's frightening isn't it? I've made a friend in the last year or so who I've felt uncomfortable with bc we have some differing core values. I've withheld these differences for a while now. But as things have gone along I've asked her to reveal values about herself that I've been concerned don't resonate with mine. As she's revealed these values, what I have found is that they do not resonate with me at all, and it's an area of our relationship that is limited. What this means is that she won't be my BFF. I don't really respect those values. I don't really care what she thinks of mine bc I am being true to myself. I like my values! The funny thing is that at first I withheld my values bc I was concerned she'd reject me, but in the long run I've found her approval of this area of me is really not important anymore - bc I approve of me. I don't need her approval. And by approving of me, I don't need to disapprove of her either. I can just accept we're different. We don't have to get everything from everyone. And there's no point being funny around people who don't get it, bc they just don't get it. We don't have to be everything we are in every instant, but it's important not to be who we are not in any instant.

I think that's why the Genuine Self reading talks about knowing who we are and we learn who we are by trying on different coats and seeing how they feel. But that gut feeling tells all. If it feels wrong, it's just not us. The difficulty with having BPD is accepting that who we are is ok. If everyone around me likes dance parties and I don't, does that make we wrong? Of course not! Lots of people don't like dance parties. We're not talking about approving of criminal activity here. It's just not our thing. But if I compromise myself and keep going to dance parties I'll just get frustrated bc I'd really rather be doing something else with my time. But what? What will I do? Especially when all my friends are at the dance party. Well, i guess I'll just have to try on some new coats and see how they feel, which may mean just having coffee and dinner with my dance party friends, and when they go dancing, I might end up going to the theatre, or painting my model of the solar system, or meditating, or seeing a comedy gig. *shrug*. I'll have to find people to do these things with, which means I risk being rejected by them too. I'm still doing this. It takes time. Someone once said to me "It takes 5 years to have a 5 year friendship".

So if you want to know who you are, put on the different coats and see how they feel. See what your gut says. Try not to listen to the voice that desperately wants to belong. The people we belong with, those coats, always feel just right.

_________________
~ Sarah


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 Post subject: Re: Who Am I? And How To Accept The Person I Don't Know I Am?
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:17 pm
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I definitely have this issue too.

I do have a sense of self of sorts, but it's very conflicted. I used to always feel like, I'm only really "myself" when I'm alone. I adapt myself too much to others, when I'm with them, and... like you, I've often been afraid of bringing these people together, in case they figure out that I'm someone else.

I feel like I've made some progress though in the past few years. I used to very strongly identify myself with who I thought my ex wanted me to be. And then that fell apart. But, in that time, I started to try to consciously define myself. What is it that I like, what are my preferences in this or that, what are my opinions, what are my feelings on these particular issues. And, I was actually able to answer these questions. I was able to think for myself.

Also, someone once pointed out to me that I didn't use descriptions in my writing... it was all just factual. I didn't want to reveal myself, my opinions, you know? So now I actively think about what my feelings are. It started out simple. If I'm telling someone about a movie, or what I had for dinner, or a trip I went on, or whatever... I will describe it. I will OWN my opinions. They don't have to like it!

I CAN disagree with someone, and I do now. I'm still indecisive about some things though... I still try to get other people to make choices for me. It is difficult, because I am still afraid of rejection.

Strangely, one thing that's helped me is being in a situation that's forced me to stop caring. I've been working 50-60 hours a week, around thousands of people constantly. I feel like I live at work... and I have no space, no privacy, no patience, and no time to care how others perceive me. I am who I am. I think it's good for me.


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 Post subject: Re: Who Am I? And How To Accept The Person I Don't Know I Am?
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:11 am 
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Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 8:40 am
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Hello again,

I've been thinking a lot since I started this post, and I have now read the replies. I am happy to hear I am not alone.
What I forgot to mention in my first post, was my husband. Whom I think is a very important part of me "discovering" that I am not my "true" self at all times. Although I do deal with many intimacy issues and fears of abandonment, I know that he has seen my true self. Sure, as you say - he may not laugh at my jokes all the time, or find my addiction to fashion magazines all that interesting - and viceversa; but we are still OURSELVES when we are together. And we still respect and love one another. Through this, he has seen me with other people, friends and family for instance and noticed a change of personality which can be quite dramatical and extreme. He has therefore "pushed" me into taking my own feelings into consideration during, for instance: desicion making. A very difficult part of being a "shattered self", as you can understand.

I am still in the beginning of this process, this; "discovering and accepting my own being" - and I appreciate to hear your thoughts.

Sarah, I find it very helpful to hear you talk about different friendships and how there's no one who will fit into every category of ourselves. I see how this makes sense. I have plenty of friends, and when I call a friend for a special reason I always consider the reason before calling. I wouldn't call just anyone if I was having love-problems, or wanting to hit the town or go to a museum. Because, as you say - everyone is different. And I kind of like that. Which leads me to thinking about my comment, "If I am like them, they'll like me". I guess, what I really meant was "If I am like them, they can't dislike me. I've been playing things very safe, I suppose. Being different IS intriguing. I think I'd actually bore myself, if I always spent time with someone exactly like me.

And I can really relate to what you were saying about wanting to hide my differences in new friendships - afraid that if they find out, they won't like me anymore. Only - as you say; what if I don't agree with her/his values or likings? It's just become so important to be LIKED and ACCEPTED by others, I've felt I couldn't afford to be "picky".

Cerulean - what you said about your ex just hits the spot. A previous relationship of mine was one of the first relationships where this became very aparent. I SO wanted to be what he wanted me to be. So much that it came in conflict with who I truly was, or had been before him.

I find it amusing that you mention your work situation. I haven't thought about it before, but I realize now that this applies to me as well. The times that I feel most insecure and conflicted in my personality is when I am given plenty of time to think about it. In a crisis, or just a time where decisions need to be made fast there is no time to consider what someone else would do or what they would like Me to do - it's up to me.

If someone has anything more to share I'd be very grateful. This is a big part of my recovery process.
A.


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