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 Post subject: Checking in
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 11:35 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
Posts: 94
Location: USA
Hey peoples. I know I haven't posted on here much, but I come over fairly often and read the new posts. I'm trying to change a habit I have of watching and watching but never participating, so here goes an update.

Things are going pretty well at the moment, at least by my standards. I dropped out of college and quit my job, but it was all premeditated. I would like to go back to school when I feel better, and I am planning on changing my major to economics, which really fascinates me. I had been studying accounting, and I was really struggling with it until I realized that I simply didn't want to be an accountant. I tried to share that with a few members of my family, but I got such negative responses that I finally decided I don't think it's healthy to share my life with them anymore. I'm tired of reaching out to people who shame and attack me. I'm tired of craving that warmth, that connection that's just not there. I'm tired of letting that bad feeling, of being an unwanted child, control my life. It's sad to get to the point that having a supportive family and being loved all seems like a childish fantasy that I would be better off to just let go of, but part of that is that I need to grow up and build my own life, and to stop mourning the one I wanted and didn't have. I'm the mom now, the family that matters is the one under my roof, and there's still time to break the legacy that nearly cost me my life.

I know that sounds really negative, but I had an epiphany recently. I was crying and raging over my ex, even though we broke up months ago and things were terrible, when all of a sudden I said out loud: "F* him. There's nothing wrong with me."

There is nothing wrong with me.

I think that's the biggest burden that I carry as a child abuse survivor; a really deep sense that something is wrong with me. I don't trust my emotions, I don't trust my reactions, I don't trust my instincts, and I'm afraid to be open or to be myself because I think I will be punished if I'm caught.

But, for the first time, I am able to look at troublesome and stressful situations and not assume that I am the problem, or that there is something defective about me that is causing the situation. I have my imperfections, as we all do, but there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unfit. I am a passionate, intelligent, and liberated woman, and I'm beginning to see quirks instead of flaws, to see strengths instead of weaknesses. I have spent much of my life feeling both unaccepted and unacceptable, and that is something that I will carry around with me for the rest of my life. However, I can compromise without compromising myself. I can lose without losing myself.

I still don't think I'm ready to get too close to anyone. Actually, I've been pushing people away pretty hard lately, while I've been getting close to myself again. I actually deleted my facebook...cause seriously, most of the people on there lived within 20 miles of me. If they really wanted to be my friend, they could come to my house sometime. I also spent a lot of time on there looking at things, and finding out information about all kinds of people, but never interacting with anyone. I would be on facebook 10 hours a day but only actually type something on there once a week. It wasn't helping me, it was hurting me, and as much as it pained me to not be all up in people's business and to not be there in case someone wanted me, I got rid of it. Deuces!

I'm trying really hard to uncover and connect these pieces of myself, and put myself back together. I shaved my head last month, and it was really refreshing. I sat down and thought very very hard for about two weeks before I did it. What would so and so think? Would I ever get laid again? Would I be cast out from society? Would I be able to get a job? In the end I went for a chelsea and I actually get a lot of compliments on it. It's very freeing, and I've found the strength to start dressing the way that I want to, onlookers be damned.

As far as my other bpd stuff...In the last two weeks I survived getting chewed out by a couple different people, having man drama, and arguing with my mother, and I didn't throw a chair at *anybody* Go me!! :D


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 6:52 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
Are you taking care of your children by yourself?

I'd say you're right when you say that you're the mom now (to you kids) and it's time to let go off the family warmth that you always longed for but not getting. Way to go girl :)

It sounds to me like you're coping rather okay and making some progress.

As for getting close to someone / anyone, I think it takes time, to build trust, to be intimate... Trust isn't built in a day, it's built bit by bit...

Are you currently in therapy? Just curious...


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:54 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
Posts: 94
Location: USA
I have a great therapist, but sometimes I feel like there's only so much he can do for me. He specializes in trauma and addiction, but a lot of times I turn it around so that he ends up telling me about his life instead. We disagree a lot on whether or not I should be medicated. The psychiatrist he works with diagnosed me with bipolar 1...but I'm just not sure, you know? Another one of those situations where I don't trust my own perceptions, don't trust my own mind. Maybe when I stay awake for days and days, I'm doing it to myself. Maybe the depression is just regular depression. My mother told me that there was no way I was bipolar, I was just exaggerating, lying, making it all about me and playing the victim, etc. I try really hard not to do any of that, but I don't know. So many people tell me I'm such a horrible person, and I'm not aware of doing anything...I try really hard to be conscientious, to be polite, to not speak in anger or abusively, to do the "right thing" and follow through. Are they just messing with me? Or is it this disorder, which I'm told makes people act terribly and not be aware of it?


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:56 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
Posts: 94
Location: USA
Oh, and to answer your other question, yes, I'm on my own with the children. Other than a few months when things were serious with the little one's father, I've been on my own the whole time (my older son is 7 1/2).


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