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 Post subject: Are these borderline behaviours?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 4:52 am 
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Lately I've been job hunting and I've noticed I really love filling out the application forms and attending interviews because its like playing with new versions of myself, and trying out new lives. Is this a sign of unstable self image?

Also: I've not been doing so well at my university course and my last mark was disappointing. I feel a lot of shame and have an irrational desire to apologise to my tutor. I know the mark isn't personal and my tutor has no feelings about me one way or another. She is an adult, providing a service to another adult: in this case an accurate appraisal of my performace in an essay. And yet I still feel this way.
I know this is a bit borderliney but I'm not sure what you'd call it? Is it to do with poor appreciation of boundaries?


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 Post subject: Re: Are these borderline behaviours?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:52 am 
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Hi.


1. I don't know if it is unstable self image or that your trying to tap into your genuine self for others see. Along as you're not making up things that never happened, lying, etc. I would chalk it up to experimentation with your presentation of your GS. Your GS is exciting. If you have different motivations than that would be a point to reflect on.

2. Well you seem to know already! That's great. No reason to apologise. If you feel like approaching your tutor on pointers, help, etc. There's nothing wrong with that. That's simply putting your performance into perspective and having the ability to reach out to another and asking for help on how to make that performance more optimal.


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 Post subject: Re: Are these borderline behaviours?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 9:40 am 
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Hi mg, good to "see you" again.

What about looking at these behaviors as falling on a spectrum. But how far you take them or how much pain they ultimately cause you would determine if you want to change them. That seems more important than calling them "bpd" behavior or not.

I think everyone likes to try on new, positive aspects of themselves. Like getting a makeover and going "Wow, i never thought of seeing myself like that. That's a new, cool interpretation of me." But the new you is still the same you, just new aspects. If you are pretending to be somebody else out of shame then that's not really integrating the whole you.

meangrrl wrote:
Lately I've been job hunting and I've noticed I really love filling out the application forms and attending interviews because its like playing with new versions of myself, and trying out new lives. Is this a sign of unstable self image?

About the need to apologize to your tutor... I relate to your desire to apologize. But to me (or for me) that would backfire on my own sense of integrity. Apologizing for being imperfect is a warped sense of shame that I think I'd do better rejecting than acting on. We need to see ourselves as flawed, but not shameful. *Everyone* gets bad marks sometimes. The gray area. Not black and white. We have to be able to tolerate knowing we didn't always do our best.

I've been going through this intensely the last five months. When my mother decided not to help me get further medical treatments I felt abandoned and switched my focus to what I had done wrong and how I was bad or irresponsible in my own healing. I had an almost overwhelming desire to apologize to her and Ive never been that way with her. I dont even have much of a relationship with her. I think in retrospect my shame was a way to keep a connection with her to not feel abandoned. I would flip between feeling I was blameless and feeling totally ashamed, a completely horrible person. I've been pulling out of this little by little, and more recently with the help of a therapist.

I think you are right, it is a poor appreciation of boundaries, but it's more than that. It's a poor sense of Self. It's OK to get bad marks sometimes. Accept and learn from your mistakes, take responsibility for your part, but stop there. Don't berate yourself and go apologizing to people. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you have fun on your job hunting! : )

Also: I've not been doing so well at my university course and my last mark was disappointing. I feel a lot of shame and have an irrational desire to apologise to my tutor. I know the mark isn't personal and my tutor has no feelings about me one way or another. She is an adult, providing a service to another adult: in this case an accurate appraisal of my performace in an essay. And yet I still feel this way.
I know this is a bit borderliney but I'm not sure what you'd call it? Is it to do with poor appreciation of boundaries?


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 Post subject: Re: Are these borderline behaviours?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 9:47 am 
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Oops, should have previewed before posting....Part of my last response was embedded in your words. I'll put them in green here...

[quote="Liz94"]
About the need to apologize to your tutor... I relate to your desire to apologize. But to me (or for me) that would backfire on my own sense of integrity. Apologizing for being imperfect is a warped sense of shame that I think I'd do better rejecting than acting on. We need to see ourselves as flawed, but not shameful. *Everyone* gets bad marks sometimes. The gray area. Not black and white. We have to be able to tolerate knowing we didn't always do our best.

I've been going through this intensely the last five months. When my mother decided not to help me get further medical treatments I felt abandoned and switched my focus to what I had done wrong and how I was bad or irresponsible in my own healing. I had an almost overwhelming desire to apologize to her and Ive never been that way with her. I dont even have much of a relationship with her. I think in retrospect my shame was a way to keep a connection with her to not feel abandoned. I would flip between feeling I was blameless and feeling totally ashamed, a completely horrible person. I've been pulling out of this little by little, and more recently with the help of a therapist.

I think you are right, it is a poor appreciation of boundaries, but it's more than that. It's a poor sense of Self. It's OK to get bad marks sometimes. Accept and learn from your mistakes, take responsibility for your part, but stop there. Don't berate yourself and go apologizing to people. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you have fun on your job hunting! : )


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 Post subject: Re: Are these borderline behaviours?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:36 am 
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Thanks for the replies :)
Liz, I think you are right that the shame comes from poor sense of self. It's as though I'm always waiting for the world to give me clues about whether I'm a "good" or "bad" person. Of course, I'm very black and White on it so bad mark= bad me. If I had a more steady sense of self, I wouldn't be bothered in quite the same way.
So that accounts for the shame

Wanting to apologise, is slightly seperate and to do with poor boundaries and a consequent tendancy to seek comfort and validation from inappropriate sources. It's
not my tutors role to absolve me of
misplaced guilt and make me feel better about myself. I do need to watch this as I think it can lead to inapproriate and manipulative behaviour of the waif variety.

I think you are also right that apologising would make me feel I had lost a sense of integrity. Everytime I give in to urges like this, I feel terrible about myself afterwards. Probably the most imporant thing I have learnt here so far is that I don't have to act on feelings. I can just do nothing and wait for them to go away by themselves.

Thanks again for helping me think these things through.


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