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 Post subject: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:55 pm 
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I had a hard moment a few months ago where I didn't figure out who I was, but I was able to see my actions a bit more objectively. There were a lot of things that I had been doing that I wasn't really comfortable with, so I've made improvements in my behavior where I could and I'm proud of the progress I've been making. However, now I have an issue where I catch myself thinking "Wow, that's shitty of me, I wish I wasn't like that" or "I wish I could be a different kind of person but I'm not." But...how do I embrace things about myself that I don't like? The alternative would be to change myself, but what I've changed so much, so many times, that I just don't want to anymore.

For example: I have a problem with splitting, wherein once I just can't make myself care about someone once they've angered me or not lived up to my standards. I feel that this is a negative trait, and I tell myself that I need to relax and be more accepting of people...BUT I can slide into codependency very easily when I don't allow my anger reflex to keep toxic people away. How do I decide which is the better path to follow?

I guess the problem is, that I feel like changing the behaviors that I don't like is ok, but that changing my thought processes and attitudes would be an attack on my inner self. idk?!?


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 Post subject: Re: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 11:21 am 
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AmaNicole wrote:
...

I guess the problem is, that I feel like changing the behaviors that I don't like is ok, but that changing my thought processes and attitudes would be an attack on my inner self. idk?!?


I relate to this. Maybe the question to ask ourselves is: Are my thought patterns/attitudes serving me as well as I'd like? Thanks for the inspiration. I'm going to try that.


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 Post subject: Re: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:11 pm 
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AmaNicole,

Perhaps changing your thought processes will help change your behaviors.
Are you in therapy or on medication?

Dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:31 pm 
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Liz--I guess it is difficult for me to separate my thought process from my sense of identity/self the way that I did with my behavior. But, I guess it's not really working for me if I feel like some of the thoughts are unhealthy, the way that my impulsive and destructive behaviors are unhealthy.

Dagwood--I quit medication in April or May, that stuff was really kicking my ass. I seem to be pretty stable nowadays. My psychiatrist and I had an agreement that I would try to cut down on my other chemicals in a good faith effort to go med-free, but I got all mopey and picked up caffeine and nicotine again, thinking they would enhance my mood. I think I need to quit smoking weed altogether, it gives me really bad racing thoughts, visual hallucinations and extreme paranoia. On the other hand, when I quit weed I can't eat or sleep and I have horrible panic attacks along with a tendency to cry until I puke. As far as the prescription stuff goes, I'm wild when I'm on antidepressants, dangerous when I'm on benzodiazepines and evil when I'm on antipsychotics. I spent a week on psilocybin a couple of months ago (my therapist was behind me 100% on that one, oddly enough) and I feel like my brain has been working better since then. I'm much less depressed and impulsive.

The behaviors that I have been stopping mostly involved men. I was using that for my validation, and it wasn't fulfilling to me at all. I did some weird things trying to break myself from it--I got my tubes tied to put a stop to the pregnancy scares/fantasies, I shaved my head, I quit trying to be the perfect little lady because I know that's not who I really am. I mean, I'm still sorting out the true self, but at the same time I know that I was just playing a game, trying to be good enough to get married so I'd have a "real" family and be safe and loved, like that would make everything better.


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 Post subject: Re: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:51 am 
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AmaNicole,

Yep, there was a time when I thought my life would be what it "should" be, I'd get married, have kids and live happily ever after......well that certainly never happened, but I'm still happy with my life. I think many people get caught up in what's expected of us by others. It just doesn't work,IMHO. We need to make our lives livable for us in our own way and not how society says we should do it.
There is a place in this world for all.....it just can be a really difficult place to find.

When I smoked weed, I used to get terribly paranoid, and I felt really weird. I was a "child" of the 60's, and most of my friends were smoking. Also, a few were using another well-known mind-alterting substance popular at the time.. One friend got pregnant, had a difficult abortion, and another never came back from her "trip" Please don't think I'm lecturing----I'm just concerned about you. It must be very frustrating to not be able to find meds that will stabilize you.

Just remember that you are a very worthwhile person, and I'm rooting for you.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 3:56 am 
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Dagwood-no offense taken. I was always scared of psychedelics, I don't think I'll be going any farther in my experimentation. That said, I have a lot more regrets about prescription drugs than street drugs.


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 Post subject: Re: the ever-elusive authentic self
PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:58 am 
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AmaNicole,

I know what you mean about prescription meds----I've been on some that affected me in such a way that I just wanted to be dead. I didn't want to be difficult, so I toughed it out----no more will I do that.

I'm very glad you're not planning on any more experimentation. Be good to yourself, and keep coming to this board. Actually, I think I've benefited as much, if not more from talking to people here as I have from meds. It's just knowing that there are people who can really understand what I'm going through, that there are other people out there who have similar feelings and thought processes.

Be happy.

Dagwood


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