BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Greetings,

Its NYE here in Sunny California.. And Im reflecting on the shiteous year I have created for myself..


If I was looking on the outside of my life right now, Id say I was pathetic. Ive isolated myself from everyone, I smoke weed all day, and purposely avoid any social experiences that might bring me back to the reality of the situation I am in.. Wont go to the mall, cuz the people there are too skinny..and then I feel terrible, Wont go to a bar, because I cant handle my alcohol, etc. .. To me, these seem like valid excuses to not participate in things. But Im really lonely. And im doing this to myself. Part of me wants to join a club, or a choir, or something social.. But then part of me thinks Im just not ready to go back out and keep creating messes. And a relationship? PSH! Yeah right, I am so grossed out by ME that I could never be with someone like this.. I just know I exude this yucki00ness right now that I desperately need to change.

Since finding out i have BPD, its a double edged sword.. Great, now I have a name for 'it' and i can google it, wow. But the bad part is this lack of trust I now have in my own mental thought processes. When I get mad, I feel guilty, I get flustered trying to understand my situation from the outside, Im not making progress.

I want my day 1, I want to start this, I know its not an easy process but how do I begin? I have trouble reading something and completely understanding what Ive read, so I have trouble learning from myself via reading information. (or is this just me telling myself this?? I dont even know)

Ask me who I am, And ill sit there searching for the words..I hate that. I want to be the same person each day.. I look at my dog, and shes the same sweet babe every day.. Shes always herself.. And I cant even do that, I dont know what im doing. And the one thing I really want to build for myself is Integrity. I want to be a good man, and lately Ive been a complete con artist. (dont judge me im just being as honest as I can be with myself right now).

I guess what I want is to know where to begin. Im going to be starting weekly therapy sessions with someone, and im currently taking effexor for no apparent reason really.. The doc started me on it when she thought I had an anxiety disorder initially, and thinks I should stay on them. They do nothing for me but create a dependency, but whatever shes got a degree, so she knows best.

I really want to get better. I want to make good desicions, and I want to learn how to slow down, and be happy again. I havent been happy.

have you thought about going to narcotics anonymous the structure is helpful for bpd sufferers i think i hear you and feel the same i used to drink but am in aa now and doing therapy keep reading the posts here its a great site and helps loads

Hello wrenluv,

Thank you for writing this post. I identify with almost everything you've written. I'm struggling with similar issues, and the feeling of not knowing who I am particularly shakes me and steers me away from people.

There's an episode of Star Trek: TNG (I have a point, I promise, bear with me?) which features an alien called Kamala whose personality alters depending on who she is with and she senses empathically what they want -- an aggressive woman, a sensitive woman, someone hard to get and so forth. The more self-awareness I accrue, the more I realize that unconsciously I figure out what others like and don't like and then repress or hide things they don't like and emphasize things they do, change my behavior and speech and volume and body language and clothes to please them.

I feel a lot of shame realizing what I've been doing. I too feel like I have 'conned' people, none more so than myself. The task of becoming self-aware in the moment and changing my entire set of interpersonal skills seems more than I can handle, and I don't even know where to start. I've been so desperate to be liked and accepted I've compromised my integrity, myself, even my body for people I didn't actually enjoy being around.

Maybe also because BPD often carries with it this intense fear of failure, and intense driven need for perfection, interpersonal relationships are a minefield. There's not just all our BPD issues, there's also our challenges to express ourselves, the other person's bewilderment and lack of understanding, and the other person's issues.

Who can we trust when we can't even trust ourselves? I've accepted that for a while I need to be isolated, so I can get my thinking and behavior untwisted. I stay in contact with support groups through the internet. It gives me boundaries I have trouble declaring. If something upsets me online I don't have to respond or risk the other person's rudeness if I walk away. I can be choosy about who I talk to and slowly develop ways of interaction that respect them and myself as well.

I don't know if any of this is helpful -- I don't have any simple pat answers, but I thought I'd share my thoughts on what seemed to be similar challenges I face. I hope I haven't overstepped your boundaries or offended you in any way; it was not my intention.

Also, a lot of BPD books have tangible step-by-step processes for increasing interpersonal effectiveness. Like all BPD tools, they take practice to learn, and nail-biting willingness to fail and learn from failures. 'Skills Training Manual for the Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder' by Marsha Linehan has a lot of straightforward handouts at the back, if you can find a copy at your local library.

I admire your awareness of yourself. I like to think that's a key first step, and it's not an easy one. Another thing I've done is think back on tumultuous past relationships and try to figure out what specific challenges I have to overcome, like asserting myself and communicating and taking criticism, and then just search online for articles people have posted on how they deal with these issues. No matter how unusual my challenges seem to me, someone else somewhere has felt the same way and struggled just as hard. It's nice to know.

Hence my (long winded, sorry!) reply: I feel you are not alone.

~VelvetLady

Hi, one of the hardest things for me is to just accept myself as I am in every moment. BPD makes life strange and complicated however, the more I learn about how it effects my thinking processes the more I understand myself. Before I was diagnosed I thought everyone thought the same as myself except they handled it better. Which is not true. We, with BPD, think differently and the more we understand that and accept that, the sooner we can make peace with ourselves, forgive ourselves and be aware of triggers and crazy thinking that are inappropriate for some circumstances. We, who know why we do what we do and why we think like we do are on our way towards self discovery and hopefully self love and care. I have hated me for most of my 60 years, have self injured, and basically did my best to hate me! BPD is the driving force behind these behaviors.
Peace,
Mike

I, too, did not realize that my way of 'thinking' was off ... different than others ... until I learned about BPD.

When I look back over my life, it's hard to do so and see all the poor choices I've made in life ... but what a relief it is now, to understand "why" I've done the things I've done that have been most harmful to my life.

I'm working a lot on the 'forgiving myself' part now. But it's become easier to do, now that I realize that I have been living life all these years with a hidden enemy (BPD) that I knew nothing about.

They say: "Knowledge is power."

Well, I do believe this is true, when one discovers that they have BPD.

When we know "who" (or in this case, "what") is "the enemy", we are free to then work to take steps to overcome this "enemy" ... and "be well". And with this kind of knowledge, about BPD and the steps to overcome it, comes hope for the future!