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 Post subject: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 7:34 am 
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I am sad this morning. I feel bad about how I lived my life in the past and all the people I hurt. I did not know I was mentally ill with BPD but knowing that now doesn't help. I wish I could have been that good son, brother, friend instead of the person who had panic attacks, drank too much, was out of touch with reality, wasn't compassionate and hid from the world. I hit myself the other day again. I had not did that for a while. I am trying not to sink into depression and self hatred again. I feel like I don't deserve any kindness or understanding. I hate myself and this illness that kicks me down hard all the time. Sorry for the ranting and self pity but that is how I am feeling. I feel like crying, hurting myself and that I am no good.
Sorry,
Mike

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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 9:54 am 
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((((((((MickBur))))))))))

It's so easy to get into that mode of thinking....ruminating about our past behavior, people we've hurt, things we've done we wish we hadn't. The thing is, you must go on from here, learn from your past. You deserve a good life, and you can have it if you work on yourself, which is what you are doing. No "do overs" unfortunately for anybody, but you can still be happy....just keep going.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 10:05 am 
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Thanks Dagwood for the kind words.
Mike

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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 1:58 pm 
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You're very welcome, Mike

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:25 am 
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Feel like screaming!!!! Mental agony go away. Peace of mind....come. My brain hurts.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to be well. I want to be well. I want to be well. I want peace of mind. I want to feel good about me. I want to like me. I don't want to hurt me. What is the sense. God, please make me whole. Take away the demons that stir up my mind. I want to be good, not bad. Make me a good person!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to hate me. I don't want to hurt me. I want to like me. Who am I anyway?????? Who am I? Why do I exist? Who am I???????
Mike

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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:31 am 
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Hey Mike,

You really sound like you're in some agony. Has anything in particular happened to trigger you?

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 12:27 pm 
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God hates me. I hate who I am and will never be what I want to be. I asked God to change me many times and God hates me and won't. I feel like I am wandering in the wilderness. No God, no real friends, no close family, my wife mocks me. I just don't like me. What triggered me is the impossibility of changing me and because I am trapped inside of myself and can't get out. I want to change. I want to like me. I just can't.
Why does God not cure mental illness?
M

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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 12:31 pm 
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Dagwood, you seem like a nice man. Please don't let my stupid remarks hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I like people, just not me.
M

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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 12:41 pm 
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Mick.

You have a lot of emotional grief at this time, and i totally sympathise having been there for the past few weeks.

I don't know if this will help you, but it has helped me a lot. I have a thought diary that i have used to write down all my thoughts, good and bad as they happen. Much manic tear stained typing later, I can now look at it and i clearly see the conflicts in what i say. It has helped to write letters and messages that i will not send, and remember as this is just for me so i get to say what i really, really want to. I have managed to isolate some triggers and the real issues that i need to deal with. I can see things a little more clearly than the rollercoaster of thoughts that are in my head. I also took some me time away from everyone and everything, I realise that I am the only one that can actually help me and although painful, it has to be better than living this nightmare for the rest of my life. I have had a lot of trouble trying to get treatment and this itself has created its own issues for me.

I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.


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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 1:26 pm 
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HA, ha, Mike,
I got a kick out of that....I should have picked a different ID.
I'm a woman, but that's ok.....we with bpd seem to pretty much have similar thought processes and behavior, I think.

You should have seen me 30 years ago.....I had a good job with the National Institutes of Health, my own apartment....then pow, I started SIing, oding on my Ads, hospitalized 5 times, moved to florida with my parents. I thought I was doomed to be the way I was for the rest of my life. I'm also a recovered alcohlic to boot, ha,ha. I just got so sick of feeling and behaving the way I had for so long....I figured there has to be a better way. For the first time I realized that I really wanted to get well.....don't believe the motivation had been there before. When my father died I realized I'd better get my act together because I was all I had, me myself and I. I chose to fight the bpd and keep on living to the best of my ability.....and so far I have done rather well, if I do say so myself, ha,ha. It's an ongoing battle, though....I now and then lapse, but I quickly recover. This site has helped me tremenously. It was such a comfort to find people I could relate to in the fight we all are in.

I'm not religious....so I believe I am the only one who can create the life I want. We have to make the most of what we have to work with in our lives, like family, jobs, etc

How does your wife "mock" you? Does she have any information about bpd that she could read to perhaps better understand what you're dealing with? I gave my boyfriend some info, and it helped him to understand me better....I mean things like irrational fears, etc.

Please do not abandon hope Mike.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 2:22 pm 
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Hi Dagwood,
I go off into inner space like that from time to time. My wife is one of those people who do not believe in shrinks, psych meds and such. She tells me to grow some, get over it, grow up etc. She gets tired of my wacky thinking processes and sometimes says I do it just to annoy her which is never true. I want to be real and a strong loving person not someone who is always on the border of insanity. I'm glad you keep answering me. I appreciate you for that Dagwood. I feel better now after a long walk.
Thanks,
Mike

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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:30 am 
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Mike,

Your wife sounds like my parents when I was first hospitalized back in 1985. I felt so alone and hopeless when my own parents were telling me to just use the "stiff upper lip" approach....I really just wanted to die. Don't think they ever understood....not things people of their generation understood well. But believe me, ha, ha, my father could have used some therapy himself. I think mental illness is something many people are afraid of....there is still so much stigma attached to the subject of mental illness, that many simply can't or don't want to understand.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: ashamed of past
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:32 am 
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Sadly some people tend to project their own issues on those that already have enough of their own to endure. Whilst bpd sufferers do have issues not many people understand (we don't even fully understand them), we also have huge qualities rarely found in non bpds, these should not be understated. Without our negatives we are great people. Like the 4400 ;)

I think bpd may have hereditary, i see things in me that i saw in my mother and my nan. I think my sister has this too just not diagnosed yet.


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