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 Post subject: Spiraling
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:34 pm 
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Hi guys, it's been a while since I've been here, but I feel like I need to post to keep myself occupied at this time. I've done a lot of things since my last update that I'm not proud of, and I continue to do them as well. So here's an update.

I think they last time I was here I was in a relationship. That ended over the stupidest of things. After it ended though my loneliness really kicked into high gear and I had a hard time moving on. I've finally moved on from her, and I'm looking to date again, but I've noticed that my behavior is definitely unhealthy.

I joined a dating site, started talking to a few girls and I've found myself getting extremely attached. Now nothing has ever panned out, I've never even gotten to the point where I've gone on a date with a single one, but every girl that speaks to me I feel extremely attached to. This is not healthy and I can only assume it has to do with the fact that I am extremely lonely.

On top of that I am unhappy with my body image. I'm not fat, but I have a bit of flab around my stomach that I simply do not want there. I've started exercising and changed my diet around to be a healthier one. I started counting calories, and all that fun stuff, but I find that I'm not making progress. I only eat about 1300 calories/day too and I've gotten pretty depressed.

Now the largest thing that has happened to me since my last update is that I have withdrawn my application for custody and visitation of my son. There were a few reasons behind this. Firstly I recognize that I have issues, and I don't think that it is good to have my son subjected to them. On top of that though I think it is easier to not have the responsibility of a child. I find it extremely difficult to be involved in people's lives because of my son. Women immediately rule me out because I'm a father, and the financial strain of a child is very difficult. On top of this all, there is also a good chance that my son is not my son, and right now I actually feel like I would rather he not be, and as each day goes on I begin to think more and more than he isn't mine.

I feel like a monster. Part of me thinks it's best for him to never know me, but I feel more selfish over it all than anything. I don't want to have a son because I feel that he's weighing down my life and making it so that I can't move on. I actually blame him for a lot of things that aren't his fault. He's an innocent in this and I feel like such a horrible human being. I haven't seen him in 6 months, and I don't know why I feel this way. I hate who I am.

To make matters even worse, I just started self-medicating. I started today actually and intend to keep doing it. I had 2 months of wellbutrin left over from the last time I came off it. I started back up because I want to lose weight and the last time I was on it I could eat whatever I wanted and would still lose weight. I have some very serious problems and I don't think they can be fixed.

Right now I just want to find someone who can accept me. But how can I ever expect to find that if I don't accept myself? How can I ever expect to accept myself if this is who I am? I am completely alone, and I feel like anybody who gets close to me ends up running away in disgust. I'm even considering deleting every trace of my son, throwing out every picture, every reference... and why? Because I feel like he's preventing me from moving forward.

I can only imagine that anybody who is a parent and reads this will be disgusted. If you are, PLEASE tell me. I am a parent and I'm disgusted by it. I want to be happy. I want to forget everything in my past and start completely over. That's not the adult thing to do. That's not the morally right thing to do. But it is what I want to do.


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:05 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
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Hi,

I'm a parent of a seventeen year old who is upset with me for attempting suicide the day he chose to live with my husband instead of me during our divorce. I was married for nineteen years and it has recently come to an end. I've been living by myself for a little over three months now and am terribly lonely. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone with your lonliness.

I don't know enough about your relationship with your son to comment. I do know that when I was very sick with my mental illness I was an absent mother even though we lived in the same house. Children are a huge responsibility and it's hard to be present when you can barely take care of yourself. As a parent, I don't judge you for your feelings about your son. I do think it would be good to confirm if he's really yours or not.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and that your feelings are a blur because of it. I hope you can find some comfort here. I wish I could be more help. Just know that you're not alone.

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:10 pm 
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Thank you for your words. So I guess I should clarify a little more. My son, or possible son is 2 years old. I was there up until about 6 months ago, I put everything I could into being there for him, even knowing there was a chance he wasn't mine. At the time I didn't realize just how large the chance of him not being mine was, but I felt like I had to do what I had to do. At times I would feel like he was my everything, and other times I would feel like I didn't want him around at all.

My ex eventually cut off my visitation to him just to hurt me, and I had filed court papers to get custody back, however after I broke up with my girlfriend I retracted my application. I told myself that I had a problem and used my illness and loneliness to justify my actions, but the fact was I felt like I would be more successful in life if I never had a son.

The basic fact is that I don't want him, or at least half of me doesn't, and that half is winning. It's really sad, at some points I feel like I'm a sociopath, and at others I am so connected and empathetic that it's hard to describe. The problem is though that it's always an extreme. I either care so much about someone or I feel nothing or hate them. There is no in between. There is no unconditional love for my family or even my son.

I want to get a paternity test, but I have no idea how to apply for one, how much it costs, etc. I've tried looking up information but could not find any, and I tried calling my lawyer but his secretary told me that because I withdrew my application for custody that he was no longer my lawyer and wouldn't give me any advice. Also the main reason I want a paternity test is to hope that it will be negative and that I can play the victim in all of this. So I can put all the blame on my ex and I will get sympathy for removing my son from my life rather than scorn.


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:17 pm
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I can't necessarily relate to your circumstances, but I can relate to a lot of what you were describing, in what you were feeling... those extremes! And... feeling strongly attached to people you barely know when you feel like you're on your own... I've done that a lot, sadly.

I'm terrified as well with any kind of responsibility... and I can't imagine I would deal with things any better in your shoes. I've also, on numerous occasions, abandoned my entire life... to start anew. Of course, I tend to fall into the same behavior and end up in the same place. You can't run away from yourself, after all. But you can try to learn from your mistakes by being conscious of what you're doing, I suppose. Anyway... I honestly don't have any real suggestions... but I understand what you're saying. :/


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 6:24 am 
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In a perfect world, there would never any question of paternity with any child and in a perfect world, every child would have access to both parents. It's far from a perfect world. I think it's best that you don't see your son right now because of the way you feel. Children pick up on everything. I would advise against erasing him from your life, though, because your feelings might change in time and you might regret getting rid of all the photos and such.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I can say that my three nephews were raised by their mother, away from my paranoid schizophrenic, alcoholic, crack addicted brother and they did well with just one parent. Seeing my brother would have been a detriment to them.

I wish you all the best in this confusing and lonely time.

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:52 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
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You don't sound like a monster; you sound frustrated and extremely depressed. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, but I know things (legal system, mental health care access, etc) work differently in your country. I recently went through a lot of similar sounding feelings. I have lots of days where I feel like it was a mistake for me to become a parent and the kids would be better off without me...and that things would be so much easier without the responsibility of parenting.


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:00 pm 
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I feel sick with myself. I started telling people that my son is not mine. I don't understand why I am like this, but I do truly hate myself. I'm tired of being alone and to help improve my chances of not being alone I've decided to forsake an innocent child, and my only true responsibility. On top of that anybody that this does help me get closer to will be lied to. I realize this but at this point I don't care, I just want to fulfill my own selfish desires any way I can. Here I go, playing the victim when I am the furthest thing from that.


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:19 pm 
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I can relate to being tired of being alone. Your lonliness seems to be a very powerful driving force right now. I wish I could help you with that. In my case, I'm focusing on learning to like my own company. A relationship is out of the question for me because I'm still in love with the husband who's divorcing me. I'm not sure that denying your son will make it easier to find a relationship. What I hear from you is desperation. I don't have the answers for you. I really wish I did. I do wish you peace and hope you can find what you're looking for. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: Spiraling
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:59 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
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Location: Brampton
Hi again,

If you feel sick with yourself for denying your son, I recommend that you don't do it. You don't want to damage your self respect and integrity for the sake of a possible relationship. The healthier you are, the likelier you are to find someone. You could say that you're not sure the child is yours because that's the truth. You said that you don't care but it's clear that you do. You're terribly lonley and want a relationship but you have to live with yourself and hopefully feel good about yourself at the same time. You said you didn't know why you're like this but that you truly hate yourself. That's a terrible feeling and I don't wish that on anyone.

Wishing you all the best,

Luna

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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