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 Post subject: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 1:40 am 
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(32 yr old female)
It's good to finally have somewhat of an answer as to what's been wrong with me all these years. I've been through so much and was so confused and knew others just weren't this way. I've had good times in my life too but it always seems to come back to haunt me. I have had successes and then back to square one all over again. I have had problems with abandonment issues, childhood abuse from family and peers, poor self-image and self-esteem, neurotic over-thinking, suicide attempts(no longer an issue), problems with keeping a job, problems with making or keeping friends due to mistrust or fear of rejection, problems with romantic relationships, feelings of hopelessness and emptiness, nervous awkwardness, fear of social situations, fear of responsibility, fear of being made fun of or called stupid and crazy, anxiety and panic attacks, ongoing drug and alcohol addiction(self-medicating): which makes it 1000x worse and this brings me to what I wanted to talk about today. I felt abandoned by an ex I was trying to make amends with because I love him and we had been together for 2 years. He had recently reached out to me again and I thought I would give it another chance. When he didn't come to my house Friday night or call as promised it began. The following day I went out drinking all day with a friend which led to cocaine later that evening until the wee morning hours. Then on Sunday I got up and went out all day again drinking, led to me buying more cocaine and ended up getting pretty drunk. I called someone I knew from social circles but not very well because I knew he would be out and partying and he told me to come by this party he was at. I wouldn't have normally done this, it was all due to the fact that I had been drinking and partying. I didn't know anyone there but everyone was high on MDMA or ecstacy which I used to use frequently in my early to mid 20's. Never had a bad experience with it so when it was offered to me I gladly accepted. Here's where things go south. Not long after ingesting the drug I started getting really hot and could not cool down (i had to put cold rags on myself)and I felt very tweakish and uncomfortable especially being around a lot of people I didn't know who were not having the same reaction AT ALL. It got to the point where I really wanted to get out of there but I was in no condition to drive and from there a severe panic attack began occurring. I was unable to speak clearly but they kept asking me what was wrong, became very embarrassed but I had no way to leave. I didn't even want a cab driver to see me that way and I was about 10 miles from home. I tried to explain to my friend when he became worried that I just needed to be alone so I could calm down. People who don't have panic attacks don't understand that someone who does is gripped with fear and humiliation and doesn't want people to see them that way and their mere presence makes it grow in intensity. Similar things as this have happened to me from cocaine use in the past many times but this was the most embarrassing by far and wonder how I will recover. The friend of mine never did leave me alone but insisted on sitting in the room with me. I know it would be easy just to say this is all drug related but I realized something last night. I have never seen anyone have the reactions I have they are doing the same drugs, there's something wrong with me. I try not to drink or party too much but I end up doing it because I feel alone, bored or abandoned in this case. When I had the reaction I felt like my stomach was churning, I couldn't sit still, I kept shaking my legs its not normal, I'm not normal! but there's something inside of me that knows I'm good and deserve to be loved and accepted. I felt very self-conscience and was worried about stomach issues (of every sort) and it snowballed out of control. It just made me so humiliated I don't ever want to go out again. All I can think of is the looks on their faces of judgement which made me even more paranoid. Everyone fell asleep eventually and I couldn't sleep and when I heard everyone wake up in the next room I could hear them talking bad about me (understandably)-that wasn't paranoia, I clearly heard it in which case I opened the door and left without hardly saying goodbye, I couldn't, sort of just mumbled it under my breath. The only things that has helped me up until this point is the fact that I am a really caring person and people find me very attractive, but once they get to know me most people just call me crazy. I have a couple friends that know about my problems and they don't judge me. They understand that what I am going through is not something I asked for but that being said it doesn't help if I use drugs and that is my fault, also I'm sure it's no walk in the park for them. It is just very hard sometimes to resist the temptation to go out because sometimes I do have fun and I play Russian Roulette never knowing what the outcome will be. I would appreciate any advice or similar stories, I need help!! Any feedback really. Look forward to hearing from SOMEONE (sorry for the book). Oh, and I'm told I think too much and apologize too much ^


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:17 am 
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Welcome darkstarz,

I'm glad you've found this place.....it's a good place with some wonderful people. Let me think about all you've written, and I'll talk with you later.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:19 am 
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Well darkstarz, I've been (am currently) where you are, except the drugs. That intense anxiety, fear of abandonment, unable to hold a job or a relationship, childhood abuse, poor self image and esteem, neurotic over-thinking, suicide attempts, problems keeping friends, the emptiness and hopelessness, fear of social situations and responsibility, ridicule, all of it.

Have you sought psychiatric help for your conditions? The biggest issue here is the drug use though, that's going to directly affect your ability to fix the problems with yourself. Most medications you could look at will react very badly to drugs, and even alcohol. What I gather from your post here today is that you know what is wrong with you (hence why you are here), and you just don't know what you need to do to get better.

It is a hard journey. I myself have been officially diagnosed for almost a year, and I have worked quite a bit at self-analyzing myself and improving on my faults. I am still nowhere near where I need to be to consider myself healthy, and you will likely see a long road ahead of you to get to a place you consider healthy as well. First and foremost I suggest a therapist (preferably one that specializes in BPD). I am not a huge fan of medications, they actually made things worse for me, but therapy did help quite a bit.

All in all though it falls on you to get better. No amount of medication and therapy will fix you if you don't continue to put real effort into recovery. It's a long and arduous journey, but I can tell you from the limited amount of recovery I've achieved it is worth it. The community here is great to help you. If you need to talk or are struggling with an issue, this is a great place to vent and seek advice. Also, you know already that you need to stop with the drugs, perhaps find different friends (i know it's hard).

I wish you the best on your road to recovery.


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 8:50 am 
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Darkstarz,

I agree with Kuroshinsei, especially about any drug use. Drugs and alcohol will probably exacerbate many of the other symptoms of bpd.

I am a recovered alcoholic, and it really wasn't until I stopped drinking that I really felt as though my thinking became clearer. Drinking had affected my relationships with family and friends, nearly destroying the most important relationship I have now with my bf. As K said, it is a very hard journey, and you really need your mind clear to stay on the road.

Keep posting

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:32 pm 
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Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I am happy to say I have not used any drugs or alcohol at all since the incident. Drugs I can do away with but I can see alcohol is going to be a problem. It has been a nursing bottle for me through the whole thing. Has also been a huge crutch for me on its own not to mention it increases certain symptoms of BPD. Also has helped me ruin otherwise healthy relationships. As far as seeing a therapist I cannot afford one right now but just being aware of my problems and being able to put a name to it has already helped me so much. I went so long without even knowing if it did have a name and now see I am not alone. I will use as many resources as I can until I can afford treatment. I am also against the use of pharmaceuticals for depression as I have been prescribed in the past and made my symptoms worse. Also I do not want to be dependent on them I want to get to the root of the problem now. Again thank you for the much needed support, I greatly appreciate it.


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 3:19 pm 
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((((((((((darkstarz))))))))))


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 3:44 pm 
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I'm so happy to hear that you can give up the drugs. That's a big step toward healthy living and dealing with BPD (or any mental illness for that matter). I can relate to the alcohol dependency. I started drinking heavily every night four months ago when my husband left me. I gave it up for two days and I was so despondent for those two days that I got myself in a cab and went to the liquor store and got two bottles of rum and two of vodka. I'm having a drink right now.

I do take pharmaceuticals for my depression. I've found Seroquel to be of some help for me but I still suffer a great deal from depression.

You're definitely not alone. I felt such compassion for you when reading your first post in this thread. What a horrible event you described. I felt your pain in your words. Please keep posting. It really does help. For example, yesterday I was ready to take an overdose but the support here made me think twice and call the Mobile Crisis Line instead. Now, someone will call me every day at 2:00 to see how I'm doing and they've assigned a case worker to get me connected to social groups in my area. A lot of positive things happened as a result of that call. I have hope again. The support here can benefit you, too, in ways that may not be predicted yet.

(((((((((((((((darkstarz)))))))))))))

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:00 pm 
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Lunachick wrote:
I'm so happy to hear that you can give up the drugs. That's a big step toward healthy living and dealing with BPD (or any mental illness for that matter). I can relate to the alcohol dependency. I started drinking heavily every night four months ago when my husband left me. I gave it up for two days and I was so despondent for those two days that I got myself in a cab and went to the liquor store and got two bottles of rum and two of vodka. I'm having a drink right now.

I do take pharmaceuticals for my depression. I've found Seroquel to be of some help for me but I still suffer a great deal from depression.

You're definitely not alone. I felt such compassion for you when reading your first post in this thread. What a horrible event you described. I felt your pain in your words. Please keep posting. It really does help. For example, yesterday I was ready to take an overdose but the support here made me think twice and call the Mobile Crisis Line instead. Now, someone will call me every day at 2:00 to see how I'm doing and they've assigned a case worker to get me connected to social groups in my area. A lot of positive things happened as a result of that call. I have hope again. The support here can benefit you, too, in ways that may not be predicted yet.

(((((((((((((((darkstarz)))))))))))))
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I know all too well about that sort of pain, the worst kind if you ask me. I will tell you this: anything, ANYTHING, is better than doing yourself in. The last time I tried to kill myself back in late 2006 was a big eye-opener for me. I took an entire bottle of my little brothers pills while staying with my mother after a break-up from a boyfriend I was with for 7 years (had recently been engaged then he broke it off immediately and i was in a state of shock and horror). The pills were some kind of anti-psychotic I cant remember the name but it was something they were giving him for bi-polar disorder. I took them and everything went black. The next morning I awoke and thought, "What is this why am I waking up???" I took about 100 small pills thought there would be no chance of waking up. Then I tried to get up only to find that my body was completely paralysed. The fear and sorrow that came over me I cannot even explain in words. There is no way to explain the way I felt. I then realized the grave mistake I had made I thought I was going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and would have no one to take care of me. That I would be put in some room to stare at a wall until the end. I felt UGLY and that I had disgraced God in the most horrible way. All these emotions happened to me at once. Reliving this now is even hard for me. I have never told anyone other than the family that was there. For three days I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't even cry. My mother knew what I had done but I begged her not to call anyone. The look of pain and disappointment in her face I will never forget. On the fourth day I began to get the feelings of pins and needles and lactic acid all over my body I could barely lift my arms for 2 seconds but I was getting some movement. I asked my mother was there anything that someone could take to get rid of lactic acid in their muscles and she told me Omega-3 fish oil. She had some so I took 3 and ate a piece of bread. Several hours later I stood up and I could tell it was going away. Lunachick I want you to remember what I told you. God sent me back here for some reason and I can't let him down ever again. Trust me there have been times where I have fantasized about it but I would never do anything like that again. I am so glad to be here, even with the pain. Because at least there is hope while you're still alive. Look in the mirror and look how beautiful is your face and how good it is to be alive, walking, breathing. Years from now you may look back at these times and wonder why you ever dreamed of leaving. When it is our time God will take us. Until then make each day count the best you can. Sure we'll mess up sometimes and there will be pain but that's ok. Nobody in this world is perfect. I have come to find that being alone has empowered me. I get lonely too sometimes but that's okay. Its nice not having someone around to judge me, get jealous, keep me up all night with getting up and down, having to feel owned by someone and not free. I just try to remember the benefits of not having someone around to boss me around and brain-f*ck me. You know what I'm thinking about getting a puppy. Sorry for the book: I did also go have a couple beers earlier also but then for some reason instead of staying and getting hammered like I normally do I got up and drove home and just made some food to eat instead and I have to say that was way more fun! And no headache!


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:25 pm 
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"instead of staying and getting hammered like I normally do I got up and drove home and just made some food to eat instead and I have to say that was way more fun! And no headache!"

I'm so glad you went home, and had some fun eating a good meal!

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: An Embarrassing Episode
PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:23 am 
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Thanks so much for the hopeful reply, Darkstarz. The aftermath of you suicide attempt sounds terrifying. On a good day, it's a no brainer that suicide is not an option. On bad days, it seems like the only way to make the pain stop. I have impulsivity problems too. My marriage is over but I son to live for. I need to think of him every time my thoughts go down that line.

I'm glad you only had a couple of beers last night and then went home to make something to eat. I'd call that a good day! Congratulations!

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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