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 Post subject: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:39 am 
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Hello,
I sometimes do not understand the diagnostic symptoms that are used to determine if a person has BPD. I was diagnosed on the basis of a two hour interview with a psychiatrist and a report from a psychologist who I had been seeing for a few years for what I thought was anxiety/depression.

I would like to just list what I experience everyday and see if that aligns with other peoples experiences.

1. Everyday I feel a lot of anxiety which lasts pretty much all day at some level. I will experience real panic at least once a day where It feelslike a huge chasm is opening up inside me.

2. I will go from feeling reasonably happy to feeling depressed feelings and back again all through the day.

3. For little or no reason I will feel very angry. Nobody has said or done anything, I just feel angry.

4.I can be in a group and I will drift off into my own world not tuned into what people are talking about. I need to make real effort to stay with it.

5. I can be in a group, even people I love, and suddenly become very irritated by them and have to go and be on my own.

6. I can be on my own and feel very lonely and sad.

7. I can feel sad for no real reason and have to go somewhere and cry.

8. I can find difficulty in concentrating even on things I enjoy.

9. Pretty much every day since April 2005 i have wanted to end my life. This feeling has varying degrees of intensity but seems to be ever present to some degree or another.

10. I can stand in a forest or in the sea and feel absolutely no sensations at all. This has got better, but this really bothers me because I used to feel these sensations very clearly.

11.I feel every day is a battle. I feel I am on a raft of wooden sticks on a turbulent ocean and I am hanging onto that little raft for dear life.

12. I feel no-one really understands this apart from people here and the people I did DBT with. (I love those people)

13. I feel I will never feel stable. I am 44 with family and this concerns me.

14. I have disturbing thoughts about hurting people. I have no history of hurting people or animals. I pick up insects in the house and leave them in the garden. The thoughts disturb me although they dont really happen very often, just sometimes.

15. I dont drink anymore because it doesnt help me. When I did drink I always got drunk and sometimes just wanted to drink myself into oblivion.

16. I bite the hairs from my hands all day every day. I have occasionally hurt myself with sharp objects but it never became a habit.

17. I avoid my parents and my brother. I dont feel comfortable around them and have, at best, ambigous feelings towards them

I will stop with the list..its long enough! That's how I feel.I would like if anyone could discuss how they feel from day to day.
Thank you, I like coming in here, it feels like a nice place.
Andy


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 Post subject: Re: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 11:33 am 
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I am about to graduate from college with a minor in psychology, and am diagnosed with BPD as well... I'll try to use myself as an example of a typical person with BPD.

From my understanding, the core characteristic of BPD is difficulty regulating emotions. I tend to feel everything very intensely. Anger, happiness, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, etc. are usually at about an 8 on a scale from 1 to 10 for me. Things that the average person might be able to shrug off, I often can't. (Though, therapy has been helping with that.) I get mood swings that are often triggered by small events, and sometimes they just happen. Like you said, there is a back and forth between happiness and depression several times a day.

Because I'm so sensitive, it's fairly easy to make me angry or to hurt me if I'm close to someone and care about their opinion. On top of that, sometimes I can be impulsive and very quick to jump to conclusions or make negative assumptions, which means that if I don't have my BPD under control, sometimes dealing with me can be like walking on eggshells.

There is a tendency for me to see life in a very black and white way. At a given moment, my feelings about relationships, friends, family, school, or life in general are either very good, or very bad, rather than the in between "not perfect, but still okay." Because of this, I tend to do something called "splitting" when it comes to close relationships with an individual: at one moment I might love someone and completely idealize them, and at another moment I may hate them and think that they are the worst person alive. I sometimes go from one to the other very quickly. People with BPD are infamous for having passionate but unstable relationships.

People with BPD tend to be VERY sensitive to criticism, and have a very disordered way of thinking, which this article on the site explains more about: http://www.bpdrecovery.com/TwistedThinking Personally, I suspect that the root of BPD is an underlying and persistent feeling of worthlessness and helplessness. The vast majority of people with BPD suffered from sexual, physical, or/and emotional abuse in childhood. It is hard for a lot of us to feel close to other people, or loved, even though I am sometimes desperately lonely.

The constant mood swings and instability are often accompanied by depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, reckless behavior (drinking, smoking, shopping sprees, promiscuous sex, etc.), self destructiveness. Honestly, I have problems with all of these categories, though some people with BPD only have troubles with a few.

I think if you compare your symptoms to my description, it looks like BPD is probably the right diagnosis for you.


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 Post subject: Re: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 1:55 pm 
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Thankyou Mask for that.....I just find the language of the diagnostic criiteria confusing sometimes.


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 Post subject: Re: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 4:34 pm 
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smithan,

Are you in any kind of therapy right now?


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 Post subject: Re: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2012 10:47 am 
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Hello Dagwood,
I have done therapy over the past few years. DBT really helped me put some structure on everything and show myself some mercy.

I sometimes feel I would like to do it again. Other times I feel I just need to work at the things I know help me. Meditation, mindfulness, hobbies, exercise, fighting the urge to lie on the bed and sleep.

I talk to a counsellor who helps me get real. He helped me get out of a mess I got into with another counsellor. I go back to him when I feel myself becoming a bit lost...we just have a talk and I usually feel more grounded after it, so it helps.

I found therapy hard but I am glad I did it.
Take Care..


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 Post subject: Re: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2012 2:14 pm 
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smithan,

I'm glad you do have someone you feel comfortable talking with when you need to....that's very important, to not feel alone.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: What does BPD really feel like?
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 12:31 pm 
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i can relate to the black and white thinking and also getting upset with being criticised!
emotionally unstable, self harm and getting angry, complaining a lot, stuff like that is all part of it.

i cant relate to wanting to hurt other people though,
and i tend to feel upset or angry for a reason, even if it might seema stupid reason to others, to me its a big thing


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