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 Post subject: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2012 5:16 pm 
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I'm struggling with this a lot right now. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now. He apparently doesn't like texting, or he gets too busy and so can't reply to me until many hours later. It's not like I text him a lot, just once a day or so. But well... I need the reassurance lol, so whenever he doesn't text me I freak the heck out. I get so so mad, I convince myself he's done with me or seeing someone else, ridiculous things, I know, but my mind just cannot stop OBSESSING about them. It really is a full time job for me. Why do I do this and how can I stop? :(


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2012 8:58 am 
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Well I can't tell you how to stop, but I can so relate. I have some miscellaneous relationships in my life involving abandonment, either from them or from me, and now that we are back talking just fine, every time we text or call or I send gifts and I don't hear anything I start obsessing and think I have done something wrong. My only solution has been to self-talk truth of what I know. I know they care for me. I know they would tell me if something is wrong. (At least that is what they tell me, so I try to believe it).


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2012 12:03 pm 
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Oh boy. This is a MAJOR problem with me. I'm the worst... I try to tell myself that my lover deserves the benefit of the doubt, but it's so hard not to let the paranoia kick in.


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2012 4:07 pm 
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That was a HUGE issue for me. I would go on the psycho call, though. Easily 20 or 30 missed calls. (Before texts were used regularly). I thought he'd blown me off or something terrible had happened to him. Or that he decided he hated me. I needed that constant reassurance.

It's the whole object permanence thing. I know a big part for me was that if he wasn't there, he might as well not exists. Or maybe it me that doesn't exist. I would get caught up in a black hole quickly.

I wish I could say do this and this and this, and it'll get better. It was a matter of time and working on other things that eventually got me where I can go without knowing where he is, for a couple of hours anyway, without completely freaking out. Through therapy and meds I started to figure out who I was, stopped hating myself all the time and realized that I (and EVERYONE) deserves love. It took me 6 or 7 years of therapy and meds before I reached the place I am now. It can be done.

Of course, this is after I just flipped out because B. wasn't answering his phone or texts. We have somewhere to be soon, damn it! :)

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2012 4:58 pm 
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well maybe you guys can help me out with it since I don't think I'm actually BEING obsessive. I think obsessively all the time, but I am *usually* decent at keeping it all in... (I'm probably completely wrong about that, but anyway lol)

The situation is this: I've been dating this guys for 4 months, we've talked about being exclusive. The first month or two were wonderful, he would text me good morning and throughout the day and sometimes even call to say goodnight. Then he just very slowly started waiting until 7 or 8 hours later to answer my texts. THIS is the only thing that started driving me crazy. Soon he stopped answering some of my texts altogether. If I asked him something like how's your day going he would not answer at all and the next day he might say hey but without considering he completely blew my previous text off. And it's not like I text him a lot - only once a day! And I NEVER text him a second time if he doesn't respond. I confronted him about this, asked him if he seriously has time for a relationship, and he said it's only because work's been crazy or something. He would then respond to my texts again for about a day after and then fall back into not doing it. Sooo I kept trying to tolerate it, all the while feeling horrible because he keeps leaving me in limbo.

The worst though was when he started traveling for work. He's been gone the past three weeks and has only texted me about once every other day. And the one weekend he was supposed to be home, I was under the impression we would be getting together and he COMPLETELY IGNORED my texts (I sent 2) the ENTIRE weekend. Didn't talk to me at all. I was so mad. When he finally did respond he said he was sorry, but he saw my texts and "was in such a bad mood with how his weekend got ruined" (I guess by busy stuff?) that he just didn't answer. He said he realized he should have.

If this was all there was to the relationship I would just dump him in a heartbeat, but honestly when we are actually together things are wonderful, he is very affectionate and we have a lot of fun together, I can tell he likes me and I like him.


This is seriously tearing me apart... Idk what to do :(


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 6:23 am 
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Jovie,

It just could be the guy is busy, especially if he was on a business trip....I'm sure those trips can be very demanding and time consuming. I think you ought to look into the Object Permanence that Trinity mentioned.

I used to feel that if I was not in some sort of actual contact with my bf, either physically being with him or talking with him on the phone that the relationship actually didn't really exist. I understand how you feeel.....it's a horrible feeling. I used to feel like my world was falling apart. But when I resumed the contact....all was well again.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 9:53 am 
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That is exactly how I feel dagwood, it feels like if I dont talk to him then the relationship isn't there! And it hurts so bad :(


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 10:07 am 
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((((((((Jovie)))))))


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 10:19 am 
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How do I learn object permanence?


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 Post subject: Re: Obsessive relationships
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 11:01 am 
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Jovie,

That link that Trinity provided is a good site to learn about it if you haven't already seen it. I think for me I had to develop more trust in people....to actually believe them when they told me they loved me..the more recovered I've become the easier it has gotten for me to believe. I haven't been in any therapy for many years....for me it's been a do it yourself project. The more I was able to think of myself as a worthwhile and loveable person, the easier it has gotten. Sometimes it's so difficult to see ourselves in a good way.

dagwood


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