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 Post subject: sometimes perspective is scary
PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2012 12:11 pm 
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I'm in kind of a weird place right now...it's like things are finally going a bit better, so I can see where I've messed up. I started taking Wellbutrin about a month ago, and it's the first medication that I've responded well to. I picked it out myself instead of letting a doctor hand it to me, I felt like it was a good match for my symptoms and I went to my primary care physician instead of my psychiatrist. I'm not sure how much of my improved response is just a simple case of me not being a pain and having an authority problem, but the bottom line is that my depression is lifting.

But the problem with that is, I'm looking around and realizing just how badly I messed up over the last few years. I don't really have any friends, estranged from most of my family, ruined a lot of job opportunities, flunked out of college, racked up close to $50K in student loans, got charged with neglecting my children...The list goes on. Most recently, my truck was impounded and I ultimately lost it, I spent all my available funds on tuition and then failed the classes, and I'm scared to be at home because a former friend has been threatening me and trying to start a bunch of drama.

It's like I had to wait for the fog to clear to see all of this. But, I kinda wish I could put my head back in the sand and unsee it. I'm ashamed of the mistakes I've made. I liked it better when I could be like, Yeah, I screw up a lot, but at least I'm a good mom, at least I'm in school, at least I can improve things. It's almost like I made a list of everything I wanted in my life, and set about making those things completely unattainable. Right now I just don't know what the next move is.


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 Post subject: Re: sometimes perspective is scary
PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2012 4:49 pm 
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You can't unsee the damage, of course. You can only move forward and allow time to do its job.

By the way, I've been on Wellbutrin for years. I'm on 300 mg XL and it does great for me. I'm glad it's working for you as well. Especially since you found it once it's been allowed to have generics! (What used to be a $325 bottle for 3 mos is down to about $30 for the same 3 mos.)

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 Post subject: Re: sometimes perspective is scary
PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2012 9:17 pm 
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Don't focus on the negatives in the past. Do what you can moving forward to be as healthy as you can be. If there are places/situations where you can make amends, do so, but if trying to do that would cause more harm than good -- either to the people you've hurt in the past or to you -- then let it go.

Getting relief from depression is key -- not to mention wonderful! -- because you're much more likely to be able to really engage in therapy, to be introspective and clear-thinking enough to understand the things that trigger your emotional upsets, and to take the steps you need to in order to be mentally healthier in the future.

Keep up the good work!

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: sometimes perspective is scary
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2012 12:16 pm 
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I've had that problem with finding generics before. I used to take an antipsychotic called Invega when things were really bad--I thought of it as a "sit my a** down somewhere" kind of drug. Trouble was that it was really really ridiculously expensive, and medicaid stopped covering it a few months after I started taking it.

I'm feeling a bit better about life than I was when I posted this, things don't seem quite so end-of-the-world. I'm not sure if it's a healthy thing to be doing or not, but I've been getting back into astrology, which is something that I was very fascinated with in my adolescence. It has some explanations for why things have been so crazy now, but I'm not sure where that all fits in my head. Am I trying to dodge responsibility? Am I trying to find god? Is it just a hobby? I'm not sure.


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