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 Post subject: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 4:57 pm 
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I feel completely trapped. I tried to kill myself today. I failed. Miserably. I'm too weak. I could hardly do any damage to myself.

I cant get away from my boyfriend. I tried. I can't get away from him.

His roommate sent me messages last night saying that I'm a bitch, and I'm crazy, and that Gus despises me a good 50% of the time, that he never wants me around, that he never says anything good or sympathetic about me. That anything good or loving that he tells me is a lie.

I feel like a horrible human being. I hate myself. I am bad. The only good thing that I could ever do for anyone in this world is to go away forever.


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 Post subject: Re: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:22 am 
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Hello Mask,
It sounds like you are in a temporary state of mind which is not helpful to you.

Will you try and get around people who care about you? Or if that is not possible right now, please call an emergency helpline or a doctor. It will help to do this.

I have been in that state of mind many times where I believed I am bad. We all have lots of good in us.

You are not a horrible human being. You ARE a human being and it is important that you take care of yourself right now. You deserve to look after yourself.

Take Care...


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 Post subject: Re: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:22 am 
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Hi Mask,

I really feel for you right now. I hope you are feeling a little better today and have been able to find support. Smithan is right, this does sound like a temporary state of mind and a temporary situation too. Maybe all of these factors, like the messages, and not being able to get away from your boyfriend, triggered you.

The good thing is that lots of people have felt this way, so you are not alone in it. You are absolutely not a terrible person, having a mental illness or messing up sometimes doesn't make you the worst person in the world, just as doing very well at times doesn't make you the best person who ever lived. Everyone is average :)

And the roommate did not do anyone a favour by sending those messages. Is he you or your boyfriend? He isn't, and he can't know you or your relationship like you do. Constructive criticism is one thing, but sometimes people just try and bring you down, and that isn't anything worthwhile listening to.

Just don't think you need a permanent solution to an impermanent problem, okay?

With care,
Shine


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 Post subject: Re: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:25 pm 
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hey there mask
first of all, many, many hugs to you.

it must be horrible feeling the way you are.

however, this is just temporary. All these nasty feelings will and do go away... As the rest have mentioned, this is just a temporary situation.

self-hatred is something we folks with bpd must learn to overcome... take it one step at a time. I'm here to help you, if you want :)


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 Post subject: Re: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:40 pm 
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Thanks guys. I saw these posts a few days ago, and they really helped... I just didn't know what to say.

I still feel pretty rotten about myself, and really hopeless. I know I need help, but hospitals terrify me, and everything else takes forever... -sighs-


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 Post subject: Re: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:21 pm 
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It sounds like there's an unhealthy dynamic with you and the boyfriend, not to mention the roommate. What can you do to extract yourself from the cycle?

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 Post subject: Re: There is no way out.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 7:41 pm 
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There is. It's really messed up. He is quick to get mad at me, and often abusive, in all forms.... but at other times, he holds me and takes care of me. I feel like I'm dependent, and there is no way out that won't put me in danger. I just can never keep the resolve to leave and never come back. I try, but I always go back to him. :(


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