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 Post subject: 3 1/2 years....
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2012 8:20 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 6:00 pm
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Funny how you find yourself coming in circles...apparently it's been 3 1/2 years since my last forage into "BPD Land"...at least significantly enough to make me seek out additional support. Also amazing I can still manage to get into my old account (thanks I am sure to Ash & others for keeping things running solid). I am in a reasonably good place at the moment. I have managed to build and sustain relationships with support figures and peers, though those relationships are still more of a challenge. I've been up and down in the workforce, dealing with ongoing health issues on top of the typical mental illness bit, but overall dealing with major stress in healthy, productive ways. I in no way continue to display any of the diagnostic criteria in DSM-IV aside from that nasty lingering sense of abandonment issue. My therapist, whom I have continued to work with for 10+ years, is thrilled with my progress.

And I am afraid of being in a good place. Sound familiar? I still have issues with self sabotage of one form or another when I am doing well. I still have a boatload of shame, despite the fact that LITERALLY NO ONE else in my life questions the fact that I am doing the best I can with the resources I have available (my own personal definition of HHL). I can safely and honestly say I no longer believe I have BPD--something my therapist (who is more than qualified on the topic) has said for years.

So why the heck do I still find myself falling back into the same cycles? We had a major process session about a week ago (last time I showed up it was after a similar discussion). She's read some new work on the shame cycle & the "power of vulnerability"--with an emphasis on our sense of worthiness being closely linked to our ability to be vulnerable in relationships with others. It all made a lot of sense. Things clicked in new ways. And it scared the heck out of me (UT slang coming through, sorry...) So of course I ran off and engaged in self destructive behaviors. Which really don't even fall into the self destructive category any more except for the fact that I tend to isolate myself for awhile. And then checked it out with others in a healthy, non-manipulative way instead of becoming defiant or manipulative, realized what areas I was struggling in, and asked for additional support from those in my "circle of support". And gosh darn it (UT slang again) wouldn't you know that blasted circle of support is so big I can no longer count it on one hand? In fact two is pushing it...might need to use a few toes as well. And those are only the active members of the circle, the list of those who have changed my life in significant ways and are no longer actively involved in my life is huge. What it comes down to is over the last few years a heck of a lot of people have come to care about me, and I've let them--and not only that come to care for many of them as well.

But also at a point where I realize the tools are more important now than ever in many, many ways. So back for a refresher course. Just finished a fourth round of one of the DBT modules...the group leader pointed out my inability to see myself "using" the tools is actually a sign of the fact that they are now used automatically and thus I don't recognize them for what they are. But I figure being more self aware is a good thing...right?

Anyway, I am back again for awhile at least.

HR/Heather/whomever you happen to know me as

 Post subject: Re: 3 1/2 years....
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 2:46 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey welcome back :)

as for me, i'm at a place where i'm frustrated.

I wrote in another thread, under 'The Couch" that therapy isn't working. at least that's what i think.

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