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 Post subject: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 8:04 pm 
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and the only person who is supposed to care, doesn't at all.

sometimes I really want to do away with people. sometimes I just want them all to have never been in my life. life just sucks. it sucks.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 6:01 am 
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Hello nadnewrule,

Have these feelings passed?...or are you still triggered?
Can you talk about what triggered you?

Take care


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 9:47 pm 
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Hello smithan,

Of course these feelings have passed. I am extremely impulsive. That feelings passed after I lashed out at my boyfriend for probably 2 hours straight. I am not proud of myself.

What triggered me was such a silly, silly thing. I am very stressed right now as I have a deadline, a very big one, coming up soon. My boyfriend is on a semester break so he's free a lot of the time. I expected him to accompany me through these hard days. But I perceived him as abandoning me again and again over the course of two days because he did some stuff with his family and then woke up late, leaving me alone to battle my stress and sickness alone. I had fever, runny nose, cough, the whole package.

Well...I'm writing too much lol. Thanks for your reply, smithan. I hope you're having a good day. Take care too.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2012 1:44 pm 
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I don't think that's a silly reason to lash out. Sure, it's not nice or fair to him and he didn't deserve it, but it's understandable. Being sick and having a huge project due are two things that are really stressful.

I know it's hard, but try not to be too dependent if you can. I get the impression that your boyfriend wants to take care of you, but he has to take care of himself, too... which sometimes means sleeping in, or spending time with family.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2012 7:35 pm 
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You're right. I'm still learning not to see things in black and white.

As for am I able not to depend on him...honestly, it's hard. He encourages me to depend on him. Do you have any practical tips?


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:21 am 
In what ways does he encourage your dependence on him?


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:37 am 
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He directly says he wants me to be able to depend on him. If I demand too much, he usually just says 'you're my girlfriend, you can demand that'. He feels really guilty just being a little late when we schedule something, because he's scared I feel abandoned.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:45 am 
Have you had some intense reactions in the past to things like him being late and whatnot? What do you define as demanding too much whereas he says it is ok or acceptable?

What do you feel would be more 'reasonable' in terms of your expectations of him/the relationship? Like, ultimately your BIG goal.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:48 am 
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Hey nadnewrule,

I'm just letting you know that I'm still trying to think of some tips on this... it's a problem in my relationships as well, although my boyfriends are not typically so enabling.

Do you spend time alone very often? I find that even though I really loathe the idea at first, solitude can be very rewarding, and it's something that I need every day.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:53 am 
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Ok, I'll be totally honest with you guys. I ask for tips, but truly that feeling of having someone there to depend on, that's just one of the best feelings for me. I do recognize the need for me to break away from that, but I am not so sure I can commit myself to any sort of tips or advice at all.

Having said that, I've been better lately than I've been in months. I've been able to practice the tools better and not making a fuss when I am triggered. I've been able to forgive my boyfriend much quicker, without any prior lashing (I feel like a horrible person saying that).

Raeni wrote:
Have you had some intense reactions in the past to things like him being late and whatnot? What do you define as demanding too much whereas he says it is ok or acceptable?

What do you feel would be more 'reasonable' in terms of your expectations of him/the relationship? Like, ultimately your BIG goal.

You're getting me to think a lot. My ultimate goal is to be in a relationship where I can allow him to do wrong sometimes without my going ballistic about it, a relationship where he can tell me his true feelings without being scared of my response, where it's close to 'fair' in terms of give-and-take. When I am triggered, this all goes out the window. I'm not sure how to deal with the intensity of my anger of sadness. And btw I define demanding pretty reasonably. This is getting too long so I'll just say I define it according to common sense/common social interaction.

Mask wrote:
Do you spend time alone very often? I find that even though I really loathe the idea at first, solitude can be very rewarding, and it's something that I need every day.

I used to not deal with loneliness very well. Now I am better about it. I can say I like it some days. I'm thinking of setting a proper schedule between me and my BF and sticking to that no matter what. This is important for me as I feel that I seek for too much attention from him. We've tried this before but I never really committed to it. Committing is very hard!


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 6:08 am 
A lot of things for me, I used to battle with what is supposed to be more 'acceptable' within relationships vs. my very basic wants/desires. I would choose models of what I felt were healthy relationships. My goal wasn't really to replicate it, but to use it as an example...All the while my insides were screaming "This is garbage. Who is seriously content with this shit? This isn't enough. These people are crazy." I had a problem with the idea of allowing my partner basic "freedoms". Example:

Say, partner is 20 minutes late. In those 20 minutes, I'm biting my nails. Every scenario is going through my head - There's been a horrible accident. His remains are splattered all over the expressway, and maybe I'm not his emergency contact, or maybe they can't even identify him! Or...20 minutes late...I'm going to go google the traffic times...HUH, it says it's smooth and on time. What the fuck? It should only take 7 minutes. He should have been home EARLY! You know, he's been talking about that co-worker of his lately...Yeah, I just bet. Fucker. Fuck him. No, fuck him. I am going to verbally rip him a new asshole when he gets home, he needs to understand I am not one of those stupid subservient bitches from the 50s who makes him meatloaf and puts on red lipstick while he goes and dips his shit elsewhere. What do I look like, a fucking jackass? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?

I would talk myself into such a frenzy about it that I absolutely would not hear anything else. Reason would fly out the window and I had accepted my assumptions for truth. I knew on a certain level it was INCREDIBLY unreasonable, but to me it felt like safer grounds - Safer than trusting him. Safer than hearing an explanation and handing over the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry, I do tend to write novels on here...I relay my past experiences as a precursor to explaining healthier ways in which I dealt with things.

But anyway, despite the fact that I had these models of healthy relationships, I didn't really get it. I knew there was a lot of mutual respect and care within that relationship, but it didn't jive with my own feelings at all. I still thought my way was the right way for me, or maybe the only way.

Have you ever felt like, "If it feels wrong, it HAS to be wrong?" All your life people talk about trusting your gut, your instinct...But I'm going to say in our case, I think it's wiser to challenge that. Our initial reactions are not well-blended and weaved with logic and wise mind. See meatloaf and red lipstick!

I do understand what you mean when you say having someone to depend on is the best feeling. In a relationship, I do believe there's a certain level of that you reasonably achieve while still maintaining respect for each other's individuality, but when it isn't there your goal should still be to be able to ultimately care for yourself without building a case of resentment against the other person for doing very normal and very human things. Basically, be comfy enough with your own coping skills that when no one's around, you can still pull through.

I look at it this way: I'm not going to leave me. I will be my constant. When no one else is around, I've still got me and that's somebody. And therefore, I need to treat myself like the friend that I am. No one can love me the way I can, take care of my needs the way I can, shit, I have it good - I can even read my own mind.

I told myself this daily, still do. There's a lot of power behind positive self affirmations. When in doubt, just remember how powerful the negative ones are - You tell yourself something often enough, you'll take it for truth. The key is being constant and consistent - Which is really foreign territory for us, but a much needed and will be infinitely valued trait.

And when you feel more at ease and sure of yourself and your abilities, the inclination to depend heavily on others or someone starts to fade. You still like it, but you know you don't NEED it. Those essential freedoms you were afraid to grant, just start happening naturally.

Quote:
I used to not deal with loneliness very well. Now I am better about it. I can say I like it some days. I'm thinking of setting a proper schedule between me and my BF and sticking to that no matter what. This is important for me as I feel that I seek for too much attention from him. We've tried this before but I never really committed to it. Committing is very hard!


I think that's a fantastic idea. Start small, something you feel pretty reasonable about.


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 Post subject: Re: I am so triggered right now
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 7:26 am 
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Hey, Raeni.

Thank you for sharing a lot. Your 'precursor to explaining healthier ways' is like hearing my own story, at this very stage of my life. I know things need to change.

Raeni wrote:
when it isn't there your goal should still be to be able to ultimately care for yourself without building a case of resentment against the other person for doing very normal and very human things. Basically, be comfy enough with your own coping skills that when no one's around, you can still pull through.


This makes a lot of sense and you nailed it. Sometimes it's not that I can't think, but there's an immature part of me that refuses to think. Putting it that way makes me realize more solidly what I need to do to be less dependent. I need to sharpen my coping skills, first of all. I can still vent and let him spoil me sometimes (right?!), but ultimately I need to learn to be ok on my own.

Raeni wrote:
There's a lot of power behind positive self affirmations. When in doubt, just remember how powerful the negative ones are - You tell yourself something often enough, you'll take it for truth. The key is being constant and consistent - Which is really foreign territory for us, but a much needed and will be infinitely valued trait.


I am not comfy with myself at this point in my life. I'm terrible with self-affirmations - I have such a negative self-view that I don't believe in anything positive I try to come up with...yet. I need to work on that 'constant and consistent' bit.

Raeni wrote:
And when you feel more at ease and sure of yourself and your abilities, the inclination to depend heavily on others or someone starts to fade. You still like it, but you know you don't NEED it. Those essential freedoms you were afraid to grant, just start happening naturally.


This sounds so wonderful, and it's how I want to be in my life. I'll make this my motivation to work on myself. Btw, you've spent time and thoughts for your post just to reply me, and I just want to say that I appreciate it a lot.


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