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 Post subject: Abandonment issues..with a child...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 5:51 pm 
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So I just realized yesterday just how truly screwed up I am. I have a 6 yr old (technically step-daughter, but she calls me Mom, we have full legal/phys custody, and she hasn't seen her birth mother in 1 1/2 yrs, and I fully take on the role). Well.. about 6 months ago or so, my husband and I were going through some stuff, but worked through everything, are strong, etc. But I realized yesterday that since that time, I've been pushing her away... [side note, I want to talk to someone about this, but it sounds so bizarre, I feel just hideous for feeling this way!!!].. like I'm afraid that I might lose her, since she's not biologically mine, so I'm afraid to get to close. I know it sounds stupid. It's gotten worse in the past few weeks cuz we got papers that her biological mother is filing for visitation (she was in jail most of the year and is a habitual drug user). That freaked me out even more, like her birth-mother is going to take her away or something. The BPD in me freaked out at the idea, and all-or-nothing thinking...if she gets some visitation, I will "lose" my daughter.. sooo... a part of me is acting on that idea that why bother getting close then, cuz I'll just lose out and get hurt?

It makes me sick to read what I've just written. Its so screwed up for an ADULT to feel that way about a CHILD! To feel insecure and whatnot. It makes no sense at all. But I'm about 90% sure that this is why I am a little more stern and cold (not completely at ALL, still hug her, still praise her, etc, but not as much as I used to) in the last months.

When I think about acting like I used to with her, about dropping all walls, really, I can't. It scares me, makes me want to cry. Rationally, I KNOW I'm not going to lose her, I know her birth-mother won't get much visitation and still is having issues, but my psycho abandonment problems in my mind tells me she won't love me the same if she sees her birth-mother.

F&#$, someone talk some sense into me, please! I feel bad for distancing myself...from a 6 yr old... I feel ashamed I'm doing it, but scared to DEATH to stop and become vulnerable once more. HELP????


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 Post subject: Re: Abandonment issues..with a child...
PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2012 8:55 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 6:00 pm
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It sounds like that lovely trait that lingers in me even after being "recovered" for years..that real or perceived fear of abandonment is a strong one! You have a relationship you value, you've made yourself extremely vulnerable, and there are a couple major triggers there--both your challenges with her father & her birthmother!

No brilliant solutions. I know I get attached to "my" kids I care for (child care/preschool) and even there it is hard to let those walls go. I find I want to jump from situation to situation so I don't get "too attached"--even though my #1 reason going into child care was to provide a situation where kids have the kind of stability I didn't when I was in care. And those are just kids I have a few hours a day. I think what helps for me is to remind myself that I don't have forever with these kids...but I can make a difference for them, right here, right now. Just focusing on taking it on a day to day basis, giving them all I have to give, without worrying about what tomorrow will bring. A hell of a lot harder than it sounds.

The great thing about kids is that for the most part at that age they're forgiving. If you can work yourself through it she's not likely to hold it against you!


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