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 Post subject: Please don't post.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 2:14 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
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Mobilene said it much more eloquently when he said:

mobilene wrote:
If you are triggered by a certain behavior pattern when you encounter it in a thread, it might be most effective to step out of that thread and start your own thread to work on your issues around that trigger.

Consider that when people here exhibit behavior patterns that upset or trigger you, that you may be a "non" to their set of issues. We hope you will do your best to extend the same grace and love to them that you want the nons in your life to extend to you.

If you are triggered, do not respond to the person or post in the thread or run off to PM where you can 'vent' to someone else. Step back and sit with the trigger for a bit. Consider why you're so upset. Make the connections from what you've just seen on the board to real life situations in your present or past. Not just generalities of "s/he is just like ____" but specifics of "When I see ___, I am immediately reminded of this other situation where ___."

Please don't post. Don't post in the thread. Don't post a CC. Don't post a PM to someone. Not just yet.

Step away from the keyboard and wait at least 30 minutes. That is the epitome of the first of the Five Steps. Stop/HALT. So many of the posts that have gone through here in the recent past have been, IMO, based on the trigger and there hasn't been nearly enough tool-usage.

Support systems are fantastic and I wholeheartedly endorse having people in your life that you can count on. Just be very careful who you choose for your support system. If you vent to someone who says "Yeah, that totally bites, I can't believe that, I'm outraged too!" are you getting support with a recovery focus or are you getting enabling that allows you to revel in the reaction?

A lot of what I'm seeing here lately seems to be in direct opposition to the Rules of Engagement.

The ROE wrote:
Am I doing this only because of my feelings?

"I don't like this person"

"This community doesn't feel the same to me anymore."

"That idea or statement reminds me of someone who hurt me before."

This is not a good enough reason to speak up. Your problem with their stuff is your problem and you would be better served to spend a lot of time and then a lot more time thinking about why you allow this to get to you.

I have seen a great number of people actually say these words! Directly and outright. "I don't like this person." "This community doesn't feel the same to me anymore." "That idea or statement (or person) reminds me of someone who hurt me before." Speaking up in that mindset goes against one of the basic principles of BPDR.

If you think I'm talking to you, then yes - I'm talking to you. ("If the shoe fits ...")

If you have no idea what I'm talking about or these concepts and statements don't resonate with you, then no - I'm not talking to you.

Here's another ROE that I've seen violated repeatedly over the past few days:

The ROE wrote:
Do I care about this person/these people?

By this we mean either "knowing" that person individually as someone you have shared much with and care about their welfare OR simply feeling a strong sense of helping the group you care about avoid a dangerous pitfall.

If your answer is no, if your primary feeling is irritation rather than concern, you're not the one to get into it. Let someone else speak up ... someone who won't let their own feelings get in the way of communicating effectively.

This community is intended to be focused on hope, health and healing. Kvetching in public and/or in private is counter-productive to the goals of this community.

As the older generation used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I would apply that to ALL situations. If you can't say something nice TO OR ABOUT SOMEONE, don't say anything at all.

This isn't about them; it's about you. The more you rant and rave and bitch and complain about how someone else is posting, what they're posting about, how they're behaving, you're showing much more of your true colors than anything else. (And when those colors come out, they're not really flattering, I promise you.)
Side Note / Personal Story

Those of you who've been around for quite some time may remember my altercations with someone who has not been part of the BPDR community for quite some time. We'll refer to her as F.

F and I did NOT get along at all. She would post nasty things about me and deliberately, willfully and gleefully attempt to undermine the community constructs. She would come right out and say directly to my face, in public, that I was trying to form a cult and all manner of hurtful things. She would say that she was glad to be going against everything BPDR stood for. She would say that the entire foundation of BPDR was complete and total hogwash and people who bothered to participate here had been brainwashed, victims of a cult.

I struggled with her accusations and hurtful behaviour for a number of months, if not years. I got into discussions, heated debates and even outright arguments with her in public. But in private, after I vented, the discussion always - without exception - turned to "what's going on here for me, why does this bother me so much, what is it about F that riles me up so damn much?"

After a few months (yes, months) of digging and sifting, I came to the conclusion that the passive-aggressiveness of F's style was triggering something very similar to PTSD for me. Working through those triggers helped me to recognize when the PA stuff was present and enabled me to get a more clear picture of F's purpose and goal at BPDR.

F was asked to leave, by other members of the SCL team, a decision from which I abstained given my deeply-rooted issues regarding PA behavior, and has since gone on to start her own discussion board (which appears to have fizzled) and traded the board for a blog.

Since F's departure, each time I encounted PA behaviour, I am now aware of it and can recognize it early on. I recognize the physical responses - white noise, teeth on edge, intense reaction usually anger - and I'm able to step back. I literally walk away from the board and computer for a while until I'm able to reasonably assess the situation: from a place of logic and empathy rather than a place of intense reaction and triggers.
I am not standing here preaching at you because I think I'm better than anyone else or because I'm scolding people or that I'm taking sides or whatever else. I'm asking everyone to really review the ROE. Contemplate the ROE and ask yourself if this is really the right place for you.

If you are not comfortable with being asked ...

- to take a breather,
- to assess your own motivations,
- to be respectful and civil,
- to use your tools,
- to give people the benefit of the doubt,
- to explore your own reactions,
- to continuously work on looking for and then untwisting twisted thoughts ...

Perhaps this is not the right place for you - at least not right now.

I am not chasing anyone away. I am asking that every single one of us really examine our motivations for each post we make.

I am posting this right now because I want the best for this community.

I am posting this right now because I care for everyone here and I want each & every one of you to reach a place of healthy, happy living.

I am posting this right now because I understand (and I believe I have shown thru my example with F) the strong urge and desire to react strongly and find a sounding board that will not only listen but also encourage my reactions.

I want more for you (this wonderful group of people) - I want each and every one of you to get support with a recovery focus rather than a place to have a bitch fest where you can be or are enabled to engage in unhealthy behaviours.

Please do not respond to this thread with "I agree" or explanations of why you did what you did or said what you said. No one is asking you to defend yourself or your actions. That's not what this is about. I don't need or even want anyone to side with me or publicly express agreement with me.

If you have questions about the ROE or anything I've posted in this thread, I would be happy to answer your questions. Other than that, please consider this an informational post intended to provoke self-examination, introspection and/or meditation. None of those things necessarily require anything but our own minds and hearts. Second, third or fifteenth parties are not required.

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