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My elder brother aged 29 was diagonsed with BPD in Jan 2007. He is taking medicines but not therapy. He has a troubled life, took divorce in may 2007 after 8 months of marriage and have broke many goods like washing machine, glasses, eggs, books etc in past. He is also suffering from depression and general anxiety disorder.

Today in afternoon, he could not control his emotions (he has left his previous job due to fight with his boss and now searching for a new job) regarding new job search and went ahead to break crockery, windows, telephone. He threatened all of us (family members) and is having lot of suicidal thoughts. He is taking Oxytrol medicine. I know it is something to do with emotional dysregulation. He is not able to control his emotions and will take extreme steps like breaking things in house.

I live in India and unfortunately we do not have any DBT trained therapist in India.We love him lot and we act like 24 hour therapist for him doing lot of counselling. My main question is:

How do we stop his aggressive behaviour? How can he learn in regulating his emotions? He steps outside home and start to break things (basement windows).

It is an extremely tough life for me and my aged parents. I dont want him end up doing suicide. But he feels lot of pain and regret after his aggressive episodes.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

I think today his emotions got triggered resulting in rage...

I can see that your brother's behavior causes you and your family a great deal of distress. I'm sure your parents were extremely disappointed and upset when your brother's marriage ended after only 8 months. I'm glad you and your family are there to help your brother, though.

Many of us with BPD had to get to a point where being sick was intolerable before we became willing to do the work necessary to get better. I hope this is not the case with your brother, but if it is, there may be nothing your family can do but wait.

Many families have found excellent advice in the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells," which helps them deal with problem behavior as it comes up.

Peace,
jim

People with BPD lack boundaries. Many loved ones end up "walking on eggshells" doing whatever they can to avoid setting off a rage episode. This only helps the person with BPD to act out more because they don't get consequences to their behaviour.

The most helpful thing I have found in dealing with persons who have BPD is to clearly communicate a boundary ("I will not accept your destructive behaviour") and a consequence for violating that boundary ("When you become enraged and/or destructive, I will leave you alone for a period of time.") The most important step is to follow-through on the consequences you've stated if it comes to that so your brother begins to see (after multiple occurences) that he is in control over his behaviour and relationships. If he wants help or friendship, he needs to avoid destructive rages and conduct himself in a more socially appropriate way.

Abandonment is a large trigger in BPD. Letting him know that he will be set adrift for a period of time (until the next day, for an hour, for a week), he will likely "freak out" initially. It will probably scare him which will turn into destructive rage the first few (three, five, two dozen) times. When he can see that "if you say it, you mean it" and that there are consequences to his actions, he will start to understand what he needs to do to get help from his family.

"If you break anything I own, I will call the police and press charges against you."

"If you scream at me, I will ask you to leave my home."

"If you do not leave my home, I will call the police and press charges against you."

These are all examples of boundaries-with-consequences. The boundary must address the unacceptable behaviour and the consequence must be something you are willing to enforce.

It is also helpful to "sandwich" the boundary-with-consequence between statements of love, compassion, caring.

"You're my brother and I love you. I can't be around you when you scream, yell and throw things. If you do that while I am around, I will leave. I will come back when I feel safe to be around you."

It will be rough going for a while, I'm sure. But the long-term results will show you and he that:

* some things are acceptable,
* unacceptable behaviour has consequences,
* he's in control over much of what happens to him,
* you will be there for him when he's acting in an appropriate way.

Thanks mobilene for youe helpful reply.



Special thanks to ash for detailed reply. Today my elder brother started to beat my mom in rage and i told him we will leave him/abandon him if he continues with this aggressive behaviour. I dont know how effective it worked but within few minutes after minor rage episode he went to bed for sleep (he was watching TV earlier). A major trigger was avoided or else he would have continued and start to break things.

He is taking medicines which avoids aggressive behaviour. We did noted few positive changes in his aggressive behaviour, however if a situation is too stressful, he will simply burst out.

I want to ask you 2 questions, ash:

1) Right now he is in normal mood (non aggressive). I dont know how long it will last. How should we treat him when he is in normal mood ? Should i explain to him his behaviour yesterday was inappropriate and there are better ways to cope up with a situation ?

2) My mom keeps crying whole day. She is aged and knows he has a BPD. Sometimes, i think i will go mad with his aggressive outbursts. How we non borderline (family- me, my dad and mom) maintain our cool while treating him?

Yesterday while he was breaking things, i said to him do suicide/go to hell/acted with anger and it worsened the bad situation and to take revenge, he broke more glass crockery.

I am stunned with BPD, biploar and many other illness. The whole meaning of life is lost if a person or some one in family is going through these traumas.

what he is doing is very much against the law here. elder abuse is a felony. i bet if that is the case where you are, it might get his attention the second or third time he got handcuffed.

im sorry if this sounds harse, but i have no patient or tolerance for aggressive behavior or someone hitting a old person, child, or animal.

a frying pan upside the head can also stop someone. usually quickly.

i would leave when he is doing this, and tell him he is welcome when he acts like a adult. until then, anytime he begins his fits, walk out and take your mom, please! call the cops. he is gonna really hurt someone some day, you sure dont want that.

allowing him to stay there with this...is just wrong, imho*.

he may or may not be bpd, and many in prison and abusers are indeed bpd. but not one can not stop this behavior when made to. not one is incapable of behaving. he doesnt WANT to behave. he doesnt have to. he is being allowed to act like a 2 yr old.

please dont let him hurt your mom again.

setting boundaries is not easy. he will likely try it several times before accepting them. so be ready to consistently set your boundary. leave. call the cops.

im concerned someone has told him he cant control himself and thus he doesnt try. and that is far from the truth. very far. he can stop this temper shit...oh yes. he doesnt want to.

usually without a audience, they will also shut up. try leaving, dont plead with him, dont yell at him, do nothing but walk out the door. with your mom, please! i know mine used to throw his...when i quit watching or trying to either make him stop or plain yell at him, it wasnt fun anymore and he has stopped. besides, i made him clean up his own shit. damn, he hated that! i didnt break it, i aint cleaning it up. walk in the broken glass if he wants, but i wont clean up his mess.

basically, he was told to act like a adult or else i would leave. period.

he may come unglued at these rules, so be ready and consistent. dont speak to him during one. leave. your rules will work if you consistently show him you mean it.

will cops not help you? elder abuse is a big time felony...

my 2 cents...jody

Thanks jody for your reply back. I am in India and it will be a big drama if i call cops. Unlike in US, where we can report such incidents, india has a different system. This is the reason we try to pacify my elder brother to stop breaking things and dont take legal help.

Lets hope for best. It is a crappy hidden sickness and worst part is society does not have a clue about BPD.

ah, india. im sorry. usa is a bit better at that with children or elders.

i must tell you, i left for only the second time yesterday. until my H calmed down, i left and went to my daughters. it felt weird and still does and was very hard. but i will do it again today if needed.

its all we can do, when they become out of control, is leave until they settle down.

however, someone hurt my mom or kids, and i would pick up something and deck their ass.

i wish you the best. i really do. and your mom. i will tell ya this, there is no way to pacify enough to keep them from doing this. it makes em worse. maybe you have relatives to go to? anything? because he can stop this, and control this. make no mistake. bpd may be a reason but its no excuse.

Sorry to hear about that. I know it is tough..sometimes impossible to calm BPD down. Life sucks when they shout on family members.

Is your H taking any medicine? My brother is taking oxetrol to calm him down and fortunately his aggressive behaviour have shown some improvements.

But sometimes he is not able to regulate his emotions causing a trigger which results in aggresive episode.

Another Episode today in our dear home. My brothers wants to do suicide. I think he is fed up now.

Today he broke chairs, crockery, furniture, heater, cut his wrists, very very strong suicidal thoughts, again beat my mom. When he started out his rage behaviour, i told him we will leave him if he continue to do this behaviour. That made matters worse and he slammed refrigerator door. What he wants we should listen to him and agree to his demands atleast verbally.

We will take an appointment with doctor for follow up. The meditations (Oxetol and Xet) are not helping and earlier while on lithium his aggression was less. So, i hope some help from doctor will be welcome at the time of crisis.

I dont know what we as family members should we do. If i do suicide (Non borderline sufferer), my whole family will get wrecked. If he do suicide (Borderline), his pain will end but our family pain will be there forever.

Why does my brother needs to be aggressive? He is 29 + and he regret after breaking things.

Andy, have you seen this thread directed to you?
http://www.bpdrecovery.com/modules.php? ... ght=#80514

Thanks Ann. I just saw the thread and hopefully will get some help from there.

i would suggest not tell him you will leave if he continues...but walk out when he starts. one screaming fit, one chair and its out the door with your safety kit. (money, change of clothes, meds)

threats will piss off people like this. he has no inclination to help himself, or he would be trying. i dont think he is that sorry. just my opinion*

walk out. have a plan and money set back for it. put your mom in a safe room with a lock until you all leave. remove breakables as much as possible. and get away from him in these spells.

i wish you well. its too bad the cops there wont do something..cause this is unacceptable. in any form. right now he has no consequences or incentive to change himself.

Another episode yesterday. He broke an expensive table, shouted, cut himself, again beat me and my mom. I told him i will abandon him if he continues his destructive behaviour. It triggered him more and he started to get aggressive by phsyically harming me.

I left the house and after half an hour he was sleeping. But he started again after few hours and we gave him risperdal. Risperdal helped to control his dysphoria.

Dysphoria in BPD is the worst - horrible.