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I had a bit of "trouble" two weeks ago. My T was on vacation and I was basically left alone to deal with it.

I had gone for physical therapy and I was on the treadmill. As I was walking, they brought in a patient. She was a young woman and was clearly "out of it." I think she may have gotten an injection in her back. She was walking very very slowly and looked to be in a lot of pain. They put her on one of the PT tables on her stomach. They closed the curtain but I could see inside a little bit. They put a hot pack on her back.

All of a sudden, I started crying. I couldn't imagine why. I felt sooo bad and I just didn't know why. But later on, as I thought about it, I realized that I was remembering being in the hospital last year and having ECT treatments. My mind is very hazy about that time. I had either 7 or 12 treatments. But I only remember going down for the first one. I don't remember coming back to my room or anything around that time.

I felt very scared. I didn't know what to do. My T was away and I had no one to talk to. I thought of talking to my pdoc's nurse who helped me last year regarding the ECT, but she was also on vacation. So I didn't do much of anything. I wrote a few PMs to someone, but that was all.

Yesterday I saw my T for the first time in 2 weeks. I told him what happened. He said he was very proud of me. He said I didn't try to push the feelings away, or do anything self-destructive. He said a lot of people put those situations into a "box" - to be dealt with at a later time. But he said I sat with the feelings and processed them. He said he was very proud of me. I told him that I didn't think I had much choice to do what I did. But he said I did have a choice.

I am not used to taking care of things this way. I'm used to having someone to talk to, to get advice, etc. etc. I've never dealt with emotions this strong all by myself. It's something new for me.

I also now am a bit scared because every time my T praises me I get scared he's going to have me leave therapy. Rationally I know that's not true, but emotionally I feel that way. So now I feel very unsettled. I sent him an e-mail telling him how I feel but he didn't respond (I didn't expect him to). So now I'm sitting with those feelings too. I hate when I feel this way.

I just wanted to share my experience and see if anyone else has ever felt this way - about getting scared when their T praises them and what you do about it. Thanks.

Bg

I had a thought reading your post. recovery for me is very much like putting a jigsaw together. with that in mind, when you find a bit of a puzzle and it slots in how would you feel?

You could sit and think wow I did that, how did I, am I sure its right etc. Or think well thats great that is one less piece and move on to the next.

Thanks Bogit. That makes a lot of sense. I am not really trying to figure out how I did it. I just know that that's what I did. What I'm feeling now is fear because my T praised me and I always get this way when he praises me for adding to my recovery. I start to feel insecure and worry that he might think I don't need therapy anymore. As I said, intellectually I know that's not true, but emotionally I get really scared and nervous. I want those feelings to go away. I usually end up begging for his reassurance that he won't "dump" me. I get scared of any progress I make. This is all so hard.

That seems so much the opposite of me. I've always had to deal with emotions on my own, and I find turning to others for help hard to do. Learning how to deal with stuff on my own better is easier for me than getting used to turning to someone else for help when appropriate.

Being able to deal with strong emotions on one's own is a good thing. So is being able to turn to someone (an appropriate person) for help.

I think the time for leaving therapy, when and if it comes, won't be from simply learning to deal with stuff on your own, but rather, additionally, from having others in your life you can turn to instead of your therapist, when appropriate.

Thanks MR. I guess we all have different modes of coping. I definitely am not used to sitting with my emotions. I'm used to reacting to them. Wanting to do something to either get rid of them, or make them lessen in intensity. I get scared of my emotions and the things I think about.

The same thing happened today. I woke up very anxious because I was thinking "what if my T wants me to leave therapy?" I was anxious about it all morning. But I didn't do anything about it. I know I posted about it here, but that's all. I didn't e-mail my T again or call him. Eventually the feeling went away by itself. I saw my T this afternoon at the BPD Group and he didn't say anything about my e-mail. I think he wants me to deal with this on my own. Not make a big deal out of it. (At least that's what I think).

So anyway, I'm learning to sit with feelings and not get all discombobulated about them. I also told myself that feelings are not facts. That helped a little bit.

Well, I too had to learn to just sit with my feelings and not get all discombobulated. Mostly I wanted to note that because turning to someone else is something new I've had to learn to be comfortable with, I can understand not wanting to lose that, and I don't think you need to.

MR, I guess we need both, don't we? The ability to just sit with our emotions but also to have people to turn to if need be. I've never been able to sit with my emotions - in fact, it's a fairly new concept to me. I always thought you had to act on your emotions. I used to think my emotions could kill me (I sometimes still do think that way). I took my emotions for fact. I hope I can follow through with this and be able to do it again.

I can relate with not being able to sit with my emotions. I always want to DO something about them, even if the doing is simply sharing them. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't express them in some way. I think that's why I'm so dependent on my t and on the board. It's a way to share my feelings. Journaling is okay, but I want my feelings to be validated. It's so hard just to sit with them and accept them. It reminds me of how I was before I started therapy. I always kept most of my feelings bottled up inside of me even though people tried to get me to open up. Now, when I feel something, I want to tell someone, and have them respond in some way, even with an "I hear you" at least.

I admire you for being able to sit with your strong feelings when your t was away. I know you feel unsettled about your T praising you, but in your rational mind I think you know that he is not going to abandon you. It's healthy to be able to experience feelings and not act on them! :thumbsup

Thanks Wondering. But the weird thing is, the reason I "sat"with them is because I had no choice. I had no one to talk to - my T was away on vacation and my pdoc's nurse was on vacation. There was no one left to talk to. So even though I did a "good" thing, I didn't do it consciously. I didn't make it a choice. The choice was made for me! I'm glad it worked out though.

Seems to me you did make a choice. You wrote:

So, you didn't choose to push the feelings away, you didn't choose to do something self destructive. And not choosing those is a choice.

Thanks MR. But in all honesty, I didn't know what I was doing. I just did it because I thought I had no choice. heh heh :shysmile - I did something good and didn't even know it. But now that I do know, I can learn from it. That's a good thing.

I also want to say that now that I know I can do this, I'm kind of excited. I've always reacted so drastically to my emotions - hand-wringing, yelling, crying, etc. - that the thought that I can contain them is amazing to me! My T was gone for almost a week and I sat with those emotions and I found that the earth didn't swallow me whole. I dealt with it. So next time, maybe I'll be able to do it again. That's quite revolutionary for me. Wow!

Funny how many of us seem to think (emotional mind) feelings will kill us even though logically we know they won't. It has such a powerful impact on us the first time we sit through them and realise that we didn't die.
You did great BG. Add it to the learning library for next time. :thumbsup

Thanks Amanda. I have to say it was a strange experience for me. I really was scared I would fall apart. I hope hope hope I can do it the next time. I think we also want instant relief, and if you sit with your feelings you don't get instant relief. You have to tolerate them. It is scary.

Bordergirl,

That's great that you're experiencing a sense of control with your emotions. Mine still feel incredibly intense, and my ability to sit with them comes and goes. Lately, I seem more able to sit with anxiety, but less able to contain anger. I also often times still feel (irrationally) that I cannot allow myself to feel my feelings because they seem too large for my body to hold. Yet I know this is not true logically.

Wow Emerging. I can so relate to what you said. I have major trouble containing anger! I got into a big yelling and screaming fight with my H earlier today. I got so out of control. I got so upset that I went into my bedroom, took a tote from my closet and put my pajamas and medication in it, ready to go to a hotel. My H came in and stopped me! I get this feeling in me and just go crazy sometimes!

I've always been afraid of my feelings. I've always had trouble identifying them. When I am in therapy, my T will ask me what I'm feeling and I honestly don't know. I push them away until I can't recognize them. I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid of exploding. My mother had a bad temper when I was growing up and yelled and screamed and slammed closet doors. So I learned that from her. I didn't know anything else. I never analyzed my feelings. I just knew if I was sad, angry, anxious or depressed. Those were the only four feelings I knew. And I didn't know what to do with those feelings or how to express them properly.

Today was a perfect example. I just don't know how to deal with the anger sometimes. It overwhelms me. I get out of control.