Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Wed Nov 14, 2018 7:41 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 50 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Communication on the Board
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:29 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: Near the Cornfields
This is in response to what Aqua posted on Jody's thread (Defending Myself). I didn't want to hijack her thread.

I agree with you Aqua. And the other difficulty is that we are never face-to-face. We don't get the luxury of facial cues or gestures. We have to read literally what people write, without sometimes getting the nuances of what they mean.

I try to write as plainly as possible in the hopes that anyone who reads my post will know what I am talking about. Sometimes that makes my posts longer, but I do that out of the hopes that there will be clear understanding of what I say and what my motives are.

So if I don't like someone here, I am only responding to what I read. There are probably a lot of things I DON'T know about that person. Just as there are a lot of things you guys don't know about me.

And yes, since we were all raised differently, our ways of communicating and what we think is proper etiquette will differ. I know I have to learn the concept of "agree to disagree." I have problems with wanting people to see my point of view and agree with them. I can only hope truly that even if they don't agree with me, at least they understand where I am coming from.

I also think that we all have our own views of what "disrespectful" means to us. That is also subjective. So if you say you don't like what I say, whatever it is, I might get my dander up and say you're being disrespectful. When in reality you are not being disrespectful. It's all a matter of what our perceptions are. Of course we can always ask the other person if they're being disrespectful. I don't think I've ever seen anyone here do that. But it's an idea. I know I try as hard as I can to be respectful when I'm trying to get my point across, even if I don't agree with the other person.

I guess I'd say my biggest problem is people misunderstanding what I am trying to convey. It's something I'll probably always struggle with. But I do try to be clear and convey my thoughts in plain language.

_________________
Image

......I'm gonna look at you till my eyes go blind..... (Bob Dylan)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:48 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
that is also what i work on BG. how to word things so i make my point but not cause some shit from someone.

interesting what aqua said because i was thinking of mine and her issues as a example. where our problem started, in other words.

what i want to always do is mention the persons behavior without calling them a label.

ie...."jody, you are a victim". vs..."jody, your words sound like victim thinking"

"jody, YOU are this" vs, "jody, your thinking sounds like this" or " jody, you DO this" vs "jody, i am seeing you behave xyz". in counseling it is called a I sentence vs a you sentence. most people listen better to I sentences, and the other is basically unfair to say as no one knows what someone actually IS inside. not "you are" but "you sound, you said, your actions," etc. one is a judgement and label, usually as if the other person is better and can pass judgement. none of us can, and none of us are good enough to do that. a person will respond to a judgement in a negative way 98% of the time.

its what we learned in parenting. speak to the kids behavior vs the kid as a person.

i know i need to work on this more. i know the reason i have trouble with people who do the former is because it was how i was abused. i hear the same abuse and react very defensively and sometimes actively in a fighting mode. why>? i am defending myself as a person , so i feel. not bright..but im being honest here. i daresay many here would defend against a personal attack on themselves, vs maybe not on their behavior. a judgement will end a dialogue. a comment on behavior leaves dialogue open.

i need to learn they dont know me as a person, i am not who they say i am. but also its each of our responsibilities to watch how we speak to another. what right do we have to tell them what kind of person they are? we dont know..we are basically spitting in the wind. most are not healthy enough in the long run to handle someone telling them they are this or that. it also leaves no plce open to fix it. it is almost a shit im a bad person- why try? vs a hey, i behaved like this and i can change that to a better thing. one has to leave open a chance to fix something. or at least listen. saying your a asshole leaves little to stay open.

communication skills. i wish i could take another course in it. to reinforce what i know already but dont practice all the time.

i think this would help us, Bg. to use these skills conciously awhile...change to I sentences and behavior views, vs saying YOU are blah or blah. how do we know you are blah or blah? we dont. it isnt being impeccable with our word. would you want to tell me when you see me doing it wrong? lol-- without saying jody, your a dumb ass?

good thread, BG. good points.

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 1:43 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: Near the Cornfields
Yes, I agree. My sister has always told me that "I'm lazy." Well, first of all, I am not. But she does it in comparison to how she sees herself. So it's not a fair comparison. But when she says that it's like she's attacking ME as a person! What can you say to that? All I can say is "no, I'm not lazy." All you end up doing is going back and forth - her saying yes, me saying no. What good is that? End of dialogue. I hope to do better in this department but people do need to respect us. I agree.

_________________
Image

......I'm gonna look at you till my eyes go blind..... (Bob Dylan)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:03 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
that is exactly the thing i mean!

BG, YOU are lazy.

BG, are you feeling lazy?

BIG diff! what do you do with the first statement? it turns into a argument of no, im not yes you are, and the original intent of the sentence is completely lost.

i mean, what is the point of agreeing? yes im lazy. that isnt helpful! we strive to not do those type of statements about ourselves. bbl....kids here........

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: ...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:45 am 
Retired SCL
Retired SCL
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 646
Location: United States
[
Quote:
Jody wrote:] ... a judgement, [against who a person IS], will end a dialogue. a comment on behavior leaves dialogue open.


This is good! :halo


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:33 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 861
Yea, all good points. I think mainly if someone does say to me "you are ....", or make some sort of judgement, I do know that they are lacking communication skills and knowledge perhaps, as I have in the past myself, so it's no biggie. Also, if they tell me something, regardless of how they communicated it, if I can learn something from that, I try to anyways. I can deal with what I see as another's lack of ability to communicate or their twisted thinking, or their judgements, if that's what they are doing at that point in time for some reason or another, and try to see what is true between the lines, for myself. Just because a person thinks something I find to be nasty about me, it doesn't mean I can't learn something from that. It doesn't mean I won't feel uncomfortable or bad because that person said something to me that didn't make me feel good. It just means that regardless of how I feel at the time, I try to find what's good about what they've said, and I may have to go away for awhile and come back later and reread it when I am not upset, so I can see it for what it is, and it isn't swamped in emotion.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:46 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
that would be my ideal, aqua. im not near that yet. its a very big thing to me, when someone calls me something, due to my past.

waves to candle* :) ty! that was one of my eye openers in communication and parenting classes. too often, i was told as a child and adult, i AM this or that. i was thinking on this, and i cant see a thing it leaves open to discuss. and from there comes helplessness, anger, and such. i find it very hard to not defend when im told i AM something.

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 6:45 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: Near the Cornfields
Yes Jody. I agree. If someone says I AM this or that, where is the discussion? What is there to learn? The door is closed and there is no communication. Only arguing your point, which gets you nowhere because the other person has made up their mind. If there is discussion you may be able to learn from it, but not a closed-door statement. The only thing I can say is "I don't agree with you" and walk away. It personally puts me on the defensive when my sister calls me something. She usually does it to compare herself with me and I don't like that. We are two separate people.

_________________
Image

......I'm gonna look at you till my eyes go blind..... (Bob Dylan)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:43 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 861
Because, BG, maybe they are right in some way. Maybe they didn't communicate it in a more productive way, but if I read between the lines, maybe I can see something I could change for the better. If they say, for instance, "you are a close-minded bigot,", I wouldn't think I'm not. I would go away, give myself time to think about it, and then make an assessment. I may even come back and ask them why they think I am a close-minded bigot. But I'm not going to necessarily assume they are wrong just because they are judgmental or a name-caller, or whatever they are doing. What I'm saying is, people aren't perfect and I can't expect them to be, but that doesn't mean I can't get something from even name-callers, because I can explore why they think what they do and see what possibly my responsibility could be for them thinking that. And if there is none on my part, then I would find that out. But I'm not going to assume they are wrong or right, until I've explored whether it is or not. And if I explore and I find it to be that mainly it's their problem, then it is. But if I hold some responsibility in the name-calling or judgment, I want to know that for me. And that's where it lies... communication doesn't have to be there to learn something from an interaction.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:24 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 861
In other words, BG, I am not thinking about them and being angry with them, or wanting vindication for what I see as them doing something abhorrent to me to require it. I am thinking about me and what I can learn from any interaction, be it one I don't like or one I do. It's a shift in focus, and it's not allowing yourself to play their games, but being in control of yourself and your own responses.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:22 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: Near the Cornfields
But what if you KNOW you're NOT lazy? I mean, I know I'm not. So it's her perception of me, which I feel is wrong. She's made her decision, won't back down, end of discussion. What am I learning from that? To learn to walk away? I don't get angry at her, I just don't agree and don't want to spend my time justifying my behavior to her. I can't change her mind anyway.

Just because someone might think something of me doesn't always mean it's right. If there is a chance someone is right, I admit I'd look at it and think about it. But it isn't always so black-and-white. It's arbitrary. You have to take things case-by-case. But I'm not going to admit to something just because someone says they think this is the way I am. Yes, I'd think about it, but certainly not agree just because they say so. It's only their opinion. Sometimes people say things and they don't even have anything to back up their opinion. And sometimes they have an agenda and say things purposely to hurt your feelings. So I'm very careful in those instances. You gotta take it on a case-by-case basis, I think. And again, I don't like it when people call me names. Saying that I'm lazy is closing the door to discussion. There are ways to word things that don't hurt people's feelings and put them on the defensive. As I said, I know why my sister says those things to me and it's not done in a helpful way. So ignoring her is the best way to deal with it for me. With others it might be different, but most people don't call me names.

_________________
Image

......I'm gonna look at you till my eyes go blind..... (Bob Dylan)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:30 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 861
Bordergirl wrote:
But what if you KNOW you're NOT lazy? I mean, I know I'm not. So it's her perception of me, which I feel is wrong. She's made her decision, won't back down, end of discussion. What am I learning from that? To learn to walk away? I don't get angry at her, I just don't agree and don't want to spend my time justifying my behavior to her. I can't change her mind anyway.

Just because someone might think something of me doesn't always mean it's right. If there is a chance someone is right, I admit I'd look at it and think about it. But it isn't always so black-and-white. It's arbitrary. You have to take things case-by-case. But I'm not going to admit to something just because someone says they think this is the way I am. Yes, I'd think about it, but certainly not agree just because they say so. It's only their opinion. Sometimes people say things and they don't even have anything to back up their opinion. And sometimes they have an agenda and say things purposely to hurt your feelings. So I'm very careful in those instances. You gotta take it on a case-by-case basis, I think. And again, I don't like it when people call me names. Saying that I'm lazy is closing the door to discussion. There are ways to word things that don't hurt people's feelings and put them on the defensive. As I said, I know why my sister says those things to me and it's not done in a helpful way. So ignoring her is the best way to deal with it for me. With others it might be different, but most people don't call me names.


Well, with your sister, if you've explored it, and you ended up thinking you're not lazy, then I would tell her I didn't think I was lazy, that I didn't like it when she called me lazy, and that I would appreciate it if she didn't call me that again. Doesn't matter whether she thinks I'm lazy or not. It's not up to me to convince her I am not. Why should I be able to define everyone else's reality? What I think is lazy will not be what everyone else defines as lazy, and that's ok. But if I didn't want to hear that I was lazy, because in my mind, I wasn't, then I would tell them so, and go from there. Why should I hand someone my power to the extent that their opinions can hurt me?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 3:17 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: Near the Cornfields
I wouldn't. That's what I was saying. I've told her that before. So it's a closed book. I'm not interested in hearing it again. She can think what she likes. She doesn't live with me, she doesn't see what I do or don't do. She's making her assumptions on things that she thinks happened 50 years ago. That's just a "little" outdated as far as I can see. So it bears no weight. I'm not going to change her mind the way she thinks about it. I just don't want to hear it anymore.

_________________
Image

......I'm gonna look at you till my eyes go blind..... (Bob Dylan)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 6:01 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 861
BG, I think we got off-track. I was specifically speaking of communication in these forums, not irl.

As far as your sister goes, I think we agree that she thinks one thing, you think another, so be it.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 11:10 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: Near the Cornfields
Yeah, we did get off-track, didn't we? heh heh There are other things to explore, aren't there? Let's get back to them if anyone is interested!

I can honestly say that through the board these past few days I'm learning how to be more patient. It's quite an experience for me! I'm learning to step back. Not get so involved and get carried away. Thanks to all who have helped me with this - I'm sure you didn't realize you were doing it, but you have! Thanks!

_________________
Image

......I'm gonna look at you till my eyes go blind..... (Bob Dylan)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 11:26 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
it doesnt matter if someone is right or not. right is not the point, aqua.

the point is....being told i AM something, well shit, is so many ways wrong.

on the board, no one can ever know what i am.

if they somehow manage the magic of doing it, its not their business to say i AM something.

saying one is something shuts a door to change it.

you cant "see" a thing on here but behavior and words. thus, those can be addressed but a persons soul cant or shouldnt.

saying i am lazy ie....if you cant see how that will never fly in recover, well i dont know what else to say.

being right about another is not possible. even the pros...the pdrs, the Ts cant be certain they are right. hence the many psych evals on criminals where no one agrees.

bottom line, you wont be right. even if you are by the odds, that means nothing if no one listens. i can be right all day,,,so what? i havent accomplished a thing except preaching on the corner if no one listens or feels a possibility change is possible.

and who can change if they "ARE" this way? irl..online, it doesnt matter. never say "you are this and that". period.


there is a fine line between its (example) saying your sister said this and that. however, its up to us to not hurt another and use the excuse "its how they take it" to allow us to hurt another with our behavior. as freedom of speech stops with yelling fire, our responsibilty and theirs does not allow us to say what we please because we "think" we are right and if their hurt--oh well! nope...nada, NOT. thats wrong.

we have a responsibilty to be respectful and polite. saying something hurtful and then saying...hey they chose to be hurt is wrong.

i admire you aqua,. for your position. i cant do that. and im not sure it would be 2 way communication if it was done. focusing only on us is not gonna be helpful. we have to see the other persons view, also.

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:36 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 61
Location: USA
As far as people's opinion's of me, my viewpoint is, if they aren't willing (or appear not willing) to listen to my own view of myself, then I've no interest in a conversation about their view of me. If someone isn't going to try to understand my perspective, their feedback isn't going to be worth my time. And that doesn't mean I might now take and think about what they said. Maybe, maybe not.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 3:28 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 284
Location: SouthEast
MysteryRoad wrote:
As far as people's opinion's of me, my viewpoint is, if they aren't willing (or appear not willing) to listen to my own view of myself, then I've no interest in a conversation about their view of me. If someone isn't going to try to understand my perspective, their feedback isn't going to be worth my time. And that doesn't mean I might now take and think about what they said. Maybe, maybe not.


I think I understand what you are saying MR. A boundary, if you will.

But saying it "isn't worth your time" - is that being disrespectful and invalidating of another's perspective? Just as they are being disrespectful and invalidating of yours?

Perhaps I can understand another's perspective without them having to understand mine. Perhaps I can take the time to listen and validate theirs. Just because...

Plus, another's perception of me really isn't any of MY business. Meaning, it is THEIR perception and doesn't define who I am.

But my H saying to me the other day, "I think you are over reacting just a bit" got my attention. Because I was. "I" wasn't bad (as a person), it was my behavior at that moment (over reacting).

_________________
Progress not perfection.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:09 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 61
Location: USA
I think you've misunderstood me, Guardedheart.

No, I don't think I was being disrespectful nor invalidating to anyone by saying just now that, in a certain type of situation it's not worth my time to have a conversation with the other person. I suspect that's not what you meant, but, I can only reply to what you said, which was asking if saying that was disrespectful or invalidating.

As far as understanding someone's perspective of me my experience is, if they don't understand my perspective, no, I can't understand theirs. To understand their perspective of me requires dialogue, which means they must listen as well as share. If they can't listen to me, then they can't convey their thoughts to me so I understand them.

Now, if the subject is something else, not myself, yeah, I can understand someone's perspective without them understanding mine. But that's not what I was talking about.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:54 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
It may be horribly off-topic by now but I do want to comment on lazy and perspective.

I consider myself lazy. At the same time, a former employer of mine would disagree with that vociferously. Why? Perception.

When I was a kid, my mother called me lazy. Now, I find it a badge of honor because, to my way of thinking, lazy means:

- I only want to do it once.
- I want it done right the first time.
- I want it done as quickly & efficiently as possible.

Yeah, I'm lazy alright. Heh.

So ... perceptions and the filters we apply to the words we see and hear definitely play a large role in our communications.

I'm sure ya'll have run across these types (?) of communication issues:

- What I heard you say
- What I think you meant
- What you think you said
- What you think you meant
- What was actually said

Quote:
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

For those that don't want to click this link, I want to be sure the graphic is seen so I'm going to post that separately.
Image

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:22 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
hey cali-ista, i will be glad to clarify or expand on what i meant.

(i used to be blonde..now im gray lol)

when i said,,,Quote:
focusing only on us is not gonna be helpful. we have to see the other persons view, also. """ it was in context of not calling a person something as a noun but as in how I would or did see a behavior.

i meant.....

when one first learns they cant choose anothers behavior, or how someone hears their words, it can be* a auto thing to say well shit i can call her every name in the book because hey, how she takes it isnt MY problem. when we learn this, we must be very careful not to simply take a free license to say what we please and when. we have to understand respect and such. we should know if we say "jody is a real bitch" then jody just might get a bit upset with it.

mostly on the board and in counseling, we work on how we take things. why? because we are working on us, the one person we can change. my T, and maybe others (i know in my books i have) really emphasise this second part tho. not owning anothers choices does NOT give us free rein to yell fire in a movie theatre. it does not give us right to call someone a bitch and say hey, its all in how YOU take it, i have no responsibility in what i call you.

this was emphasized a lot in parenting classes and communication classes but i dont see it done here a lot. not only are we responsible for only our words, but we have the duty to make sure we arent being a asshole about saying them. i think that is where some issues arise, when some of us dont understand we are told how to behave when another has been disrespectful to us. we are perfectly free to say "your words were disrespectful" while still not owning their words.

saying jody, you are lazy is, imho* of course, a good way to close communication with almost anyone. saying it differently, in that "when i hear you say this, jody, it sounds like you may be feeling or behaving lazy" ...

it is in HOW we word things.

thus, say jane doe is feeling poorly. depressed, sad, who knows. insert a adjective. now knowing jane is under the weather, it would not work well for me to say jane, you are one lazy lady.

it would behoove me to say, jane, i notice your dishes arent done--are you feeling bad? overwhelmed? lazy?

see the difference?

some have a tendency to judge with their words. they tend (because its easier or we were taught it) to say we ARE our feelings or behaviors or such. WE ARE NOT. many parents taught this...many spouses, etc. many plain pals.

it is a mistake. we are not lazy or sad or bitchy. we cant be. it is a feeling or behavior and we are not them. we are people who act a certain way. that does NOT make us the behavior.

if it did, we all would be up shit creek. we would be screwed. cause if we are our behavior, there is no hope. the very basis of bpdr and counseling is to learn to change the behavior. change how we think.

does this help? this is a topic near to my heart. cause i hate hearing i AM something. i work hard on not shutting off my mind, but it happens and will to all of us. if our T said this, how many times would you go back to counseling? i doubt many, cause its a closed end idea. no T will say that. no good one, they work on us seeing we are NOT our behavior or thoughts.

thats why i meant, think of the other person when your words come out. under the guise of helping, then be helpful. dont be judging, dont be labeling, dont assume.

we have a responsibility to not throw off reactions by others 100%. we have a responsibility to put out respect for them as humans.

re Ashs graphic, and i have tried to find one online and havent yet, communicating involves many steps. not only my perception, my words but the others history, the others perceptions..its many. my T wrote it out for me but i cant figure out how to scan, copy, post blah blah. there is many steps in between my mouth and your ears.

its a gray area of we arent responsible for how someone behaves, but we are responsible for what we just said and how it sounds. self responsibility doesnt mean scream fire in a building and laugh when everyone panics. one could say--well there was no smoke, no heat, why didnt they know there was no fire? just because i yelled it didnt mean they had to choose to run.

not the point. our words affect others, regardless. we must make sure we say what we mean, and saying jody is a bitch should flag jody might not like hearing that. how could i rephrase it so jody hears me and it helps her?

any help?

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:20 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 861
jodyisme wrote:
cause i hate hearing i AM something.


jody,

Yes, I understand you. We all do have the responsibility to be polite, and to be respectful. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, someone may not always be, (in my mind), and that's something I'm going to have to accept. (I am speaking specifically of communication on the board.) I can't immediately change another so that suddenly they are respectful. I am not in control of their actions. Therefore, I have to figure out how to stop hating hearing I AM something, because I guarantee that somewhere down the line on this board, I am going to hear it. And then it's up to me how I respond to that. If I want to feel hate, I can choose to hate it. If I want to work out why I hate it so that I don't have to hate it and then react in a way that would show I really am not in control and possibly acting in the very way I don't like others to act, then I am going to have to work it out. And I am going to do these things for me, because I want to be in control of me, and I don't want to hate others just because they are making mistakes or don't know better. The fact that I Hate at all is really, my problem, and problems need solutions.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:24 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
to me a large part of respect is to talk about the behavior, not who the person is.

this is the issue that me and aqua got into over, and i just thought i would try to explain it again. the post that began this reminded me of it.

regardless of self responsibility, no one is a island in the world.

i think this is a lot of what BG keeps asking...cause she doesnt get it when only told hey, its your choice to be offended. yes. it is our choice to be offended but that doesnt excuse another from needing to learn communication. i tend to think, due to the original purpose of this board, we focus more on us, yes, but it doesnt give blanket approval to say anything we please or do anything we please.

now we cant stop her sister from calling her something, which is where our part comes in to handle it and choose how we handle it. but we cant excuse her sister (just a example) when she says it. we can get that point across without being shitty ourselves.

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 50 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group