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 Post subject: Not Sure Where to Post this
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:58 am 
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I don't know where I should post! I joined this site a couple of months ago and I haven't posted anything. I am at a point in my life where I am realizing that I need help and support and that those around me can only do so much!

A little about me: I am a mother of 4 wonderful children ages 7, 5, 4, 8 months (3 of my own and 1 soon to be step child) I am in engaged just got engaged on christmas. I work with speacial needs adults and children. I have BPD
I was DX with BPD about a year and a Half ago! Since then I had to stop seeing my therapist because of insurance problems and so I have tried lots of self help methods. They seem to work for a short while but then I fall back into my old habits. If I seem to ramble on please just bare with me.

I am so confused on what my feelings are. Some days I feel like I am just a zombie going through the motions, others I feel fine and nothing could be wrong with my life. When I am having a "Bad Day" I am not even sure when it is my BPD or just me having a bad day! I have a wonderful partner in my life who can be very supportive at times but is seems that he is more of a burden with my BPD then a help! I feel like he thinks that if he accepts my BPD then he is helping. Whenever I get angry or upset he blames it on BPD. Sometimes I feel like I am not entitled to just having a bad day! I am feeling trapped in this world of sadness, anger, anxiety, happiness, excited, comidec thing all balled into one. I am feeling helpless because I guess I just want to lead this "normal life" but for me I don't feel that is possiable. I feel that I may not be able to have a normal realationship. Alot of the time I don't want to do the work I would much rather laugh and ignore the underlying problem that may be there. I also have a lot of problems with sex. I feel very deformed because I have so many problems with sex. I have no sex drive. I don't know why. I just feel like I have a need for it. But my partner who has a high sex drive doesn't understand this. And I don't know how to talk to him about it.

In the last few months I have felt my anxiety kick up a lot more. Never have I had this happen before but everytime I go into a large store or a place with a lot of people or just a small place with people I don't know I feel very anxious and I just want to leave. I get crabby and start snapping at my partner or children and when we leave as soon as I get into the car I feel very shaky and want to drive away as fast as I can.

I am feeling like I am a horriable mom because my BPD affects my life. I don't even have consistency in my own life how am I supposed to raise children? They are my life and I am one of the most overly protective people but some days I don't have the energy to deal with them fighting over a toy or if they misbehave I just can't seem to do the time outs or disscusions.

I just don't know what to do anymore and I need help! I feel like I am admiting defet or that I am a failer when I have to ask for help. I don't know where else to go and maybe I am just hoping for some advice and support and I thought about this site. I thought maybe it would help to talk with others with BPD. I guess I just want someone to understand me. I am so tierd of of feeling alone. I just don't want to be alone anymore.


Thank you for listening!!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:25 am 
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I can relate to so many of those feelings when my kids were younger. Its exhausting having kids so young and four(?). I had 3 under 5's once, they are bit grown now, they were really hard work. I had bad days, often, sex? now when was I supposed to find the mood for? Between running around cleaning up after the trail of destruction, changing nappies oh and the list goes on. You sound exhausted!

BPD or no BPD children are a real blessing, but boy there are days when they can run a damn sight faster than energy allows for.

I don't know how you feel about doing this as I was dead against the idea for a while but I will suggest it.

I made up a rota, I put it on the fridge, clearly marked, times for everything I needed to do. Including wake up and bed time routines. I printed one off each day, and I gave myself gold stars for everything I had accomplished, even the washing! The structure of that worked for me, and still does if I stick to it to be honest. Hey I just printed one up for myself this morning!

Above all else I rota'd in some r& r time that was just for me, time when the kids were in bed, once they got used to the routine, time for a soak in the bath and even to read some trashy magazine.

It is hard kicking off a routine, I am not sure how supportive your partner is, but hopefully he could help with this when he is available. A united front generally works best.

Another thing that has really helped me is being able to come here and post, remind myself of my goals for the moment, use the tools and get support with them. If you haven't checked them out already they are to the left, they have been great at helping with the BPD side of things.

I wish you well! You are not alone in feeling this way, and it doesn't make you a bad parent, it make you a very insightful one! Imo.

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Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:54 am 
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I'm glad to meet you Fran. I hear the frustration and anxiety in your words. I too have felt a lot of wha tyou are feeling now.

I don't know if you've heard of DBT skills. They are a set of skills developed by a psychologist, Marsha Linehan, that teaches people with BPD how to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings we have and how to react to the situations we find ourselves in. You can Google DBT and read up on it. Yahoo also has an on-line class that I am participating in. You can join at any time.

I also found that often when I expressed certain behaviors my H would accuse me of displaying my "BPD behavior." I'm sort of glad he understand what it is though. He realizes I am trying hard to change, so at least he gets it. There are books you might suggest your partner read. I think they are posted here somewhere on the Board.

Changing our behavior is time-consuming and difficult. But it can be done. My T diagnosed me with BPD a little over 2 years ago. I fought him and denied I had it. It took me a few months to accept it. But since I did accept it I have been working towards change. I'm sorry you don't see a T anymore. Is there anyway you can go back?

Anyway, you won't change overnight. As Bogit suggested, read the Tools on the left side of the page here. They are tools to help you try to understand your reactions and what you can do about them. There are ways you can Untwist your thinking and find better solutions to various problems.

I hope you continue to come back here. I have learned a lot from BPDR and am on a life-long quest to get better. I have good days and bad days. But on the whole, things are getting better. I wish the same for you!!!!

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:47 am 
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Hi Fran,
Can you find a way to see a therapist and pay out of pocket? I have ins problems too so I pay out of pocket. I think it is worth it. Also have you tried meds or are you on some? I just sense you have some mood issues that might be helped that way. I have had a long road of trying different ones and I know I am much better on than off. Maybe your finance could read "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I think that is the title. It is for people to understand bpd. I asked my H to please not say "its the BPD" or "you are acting very BPD." It was just too annoying and he did stop. It reminds me of men saying "are you having a period?" whenever we are in a bad mood. Can we just be in a bad mood?


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