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 Post subject: Community support around issues from the Board/Forums
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:08 pm 
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Some of you may recall that we've gone through several incarnations of BPDR.

ezboard --> ezboard w/ HTML site --> phpBB w/ HTML site --> phpNuke --> ezboard --> phpNuke (presently)

In one of those incarnations - either the phpBB or the first phpNuke - I had something posted in a Guidelines or FAQ section that addressed how to get support from the community on Big Scale Topics without direct or indirect references to specific individuals or particular events.

When I wanted to dig that up as a point of reference earlier, I couldn't find it. Apparently it was lost in one of the moves.

It was not my intention to chastise anyone in any way, shape or form. As such, I did not want to post the replacement FAQ directly on the heels of the recent events. I actually have it on my calendar for next Wednesday. Heh.

Anyway, since it has been brought up and there seems to be confusion about the subject, I've posted the FAQ in the main FAQ section ( Home • FAQ • Your Account • Forums) under the Discussion Board section.

I would like community support with a problem I'm having about someone else from the Forums - how should I handle that?

When things like this come up - as they often do around here - and we want to work through them on the board, with the support of the community, to avoid these kinds of "No fair, you can't say that & get away with it" bullshit-fests, it's most helpful if the situation can be stripped of details and boiled down to just the core thing(s).

For the sake of exploring that means a little further, let's say I've gotten into a disagreement with a member of the forums. He told me he doesn't ever want to talk to me again and that lasted a few weeks. Then I posted something on the board to which he felt compelled to talk to me about off the board (in PM and/or email.) I would understandably feel confused by his violating the very boundary he had put in place. I might also take exception to the manner in which he broached the subject and may also be annoyed by the content of his assertions.

If I start posting on the forums about how I've got this problem with one of the members, but I won't say who it is, and how he told me one thing & then did another and got pretty crappy about it, it's almost guaranteed a flame-war of some sort will ensue. He will feel attacked - and rightly so because I am talking about him, behind his back in front of his face. Totally not cool!

The fact that specifics are used - references to the person being a member here, specific words used, the sequence of events, the requests, the conversations, etc. - is what turns things into a powder-keg.

Even if I do a great, fantastic, wonderful job of remaining self-focused throughout the whole thread and continue posting about my perceptions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, etc., the fact that I continue to make veiled references to a specific individual, discussing their actions (within the context of how those actions bothered me) will only serve to poke the person I'm referring to.

On the other hand, however, I might post that I'm having difficulty dealing with the infuration I feel when someone breaks their own boundaries. Surely this happens with other people in my life besides just this one person at the BPDR Forums. (Usually when we feel intense emotions, it's not because of a single incident. It's usually because it's stirring up all those old feelings related to similar incidences - as you later pointed out.)

I might post about my struggle to deal with the projections of others while trying to maintain my own vision of reality and solidify my own somewhat-fragile sense of self.

I might post about my frustration with people who are tenacious bulldogs, can't seem to let things go when I'm trying so hard to retain the "accept it and move on" approach to my Genuine Self. When I want to keep moving forward, it is frustrating when someone keeps tugging on me, pulling me back, trying to shove my nose in poopy from ages ago (like a bad dog.)

I might write about how bothersome it is to be called names (bully, bitch, jackass) and have my own reality completely invalidated (fake, lame, pretentious, arrogant) while my grasp of a healthy reality and Genuine Self is still a bit shaky. There's Past Life stuff connected to these Big Scale Topics as well. Surely this one individual is not the only one who's done these types of things to me.

Most of the time, we use references to specifics only to clarify or provide further detail. Honestly though, the rest of us at the Forums don't need the details. Since we'll never have ALL of the details, having ANY of the details is pretty close to useless!

I hope this helps clarify things for folks.

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