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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:17 pm 
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I understand exactly what you mean - my kids are easily the most important and magical things in my life, and there's no way I'd be without them, no matter what the practicalities (or not) of having them. I think it's always so hard to weigh a decision like this in rational terms, because it doesn't come from a rational place - which is just the way it should be. Having children is such a primal thing - the whole deal pre-dates any thinking-brain by eons, so it makes sense that the decision never really 'stacks up' in rational terms.

I don't think it's nutty at all - so long as you recognize how potentially tough it could be (which you do), and you've got as much in the way of support and resources in place to ease things where you can.

Plus I think you really know when you're 'done' with having kids. I'm 40 now, and I know I'm done. But for about the last five years I went backwards and forwards over having a third. Practical things got in the way - and I am pleased they did. Our little family unit and the insanity of my job and big-ness of our lives would have been stretched to the limit. Whereas it sounds like, even though you know it would be busy and challenging, you see some give in there somewhere...


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:23 pm 
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My first thought was "OMG, is she crazy?!" My concern stems from the post-partum you experience. I think it caught you off guard when M was born and I'm guessing it didn't help your marriage much.

BUT I do think the second tour of duty with J's birth was handled much better. You were able to recognize the warning signs and deal with them early-on rather than allowing them to spiral you into the depths of despair.

You know me - I think anyone with kids is just inherently crazy from the get-go! LOL That said, the next concerns would be the finances. It's not just the 5 mos of no paycheck. It's the 18 yrs of future child-rearing along with college, wedding, etc. That's a LOT to take on.

If you have "three kids" as the magic number, what does your husband think? Is he interested in a third? Would he want to keep going to four or five?

What would it really be like to have three young children running around? What would juggling work be like with that number of kids? How much would a third child add to your chore list, exhaustion level, stress level?

I'm probably not the best person in the world to give "yeah go for it" advice when it comes to kids. My predisposition is generally "oh dear doG, why on earth would anyone want to do that to themselves?" so I'm sure you'll take everything I've posted above with the appropriate sized grain of salt.
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You know I'm here for you no matter what. (Especially since I can't babysit or change diapers!)

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:48 pm 
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I wanted 4 kids, but because of uterine problems and being unable to deliver my kids naturally, I was advised no more after the 3rd C-section. Personally, I wouldn't recommend a 3rd unless you're planning to have a 4th. :shysmile

We have had problems with having 3 kids, mixed sex. One is often (I won't say always, although it seems like it) left out. They fight often when all 3 are together. Take one (any one) out of the equation and it restores the peace. Having a 3rd seems to make daily life just that little bit more difficult to manage. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about having my 3 kids and love them dearly, but I often wish I could have that 4th one to balance things up again.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:50 pm 
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hey cali-ista. you know how i adore kids. i relate to ya, i only had 2 because it was all i could raise on my own by myself. my daughter is done with her 2, her post partum went off the roof with the last one.

so, its up to you. with support in place, everyone on the lookout to help you with the post partum (cause frankly my daughters scares me shitless), then i would say go for it.

:) i dont know your age so i dont know your clock or how far it has ticked down.

if you can afford it, your H is all good with it (and tubal after, i assumed from your posting) and you can have plans in place, then i would say begin the practice! lol lol...

i think its great your planning and asking...in advance. shows good thought stuff. usually, every baby adds to the post partum, we were told. so that is my only concern, 34 weekers are fine to be born.

kids are the best thing in the world, in my opinion...i treasure mine and my grands so much.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:56 pm 
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*****imagine having 3 teenagers!*****

I've always wanted three kids too. Four seems like too many, but three seems just right. I also have a girl and a boy. And I also lost a baby between the two. Since they became teenagers...well....I'm kind of glad I decided to stop at two.

What does your hubby think? Does he also want a third child?

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:11 pm 
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well, you do or you dont cali-ista. either way im sure i will support ya.

imagine having son in laws or daughters in laws. that is far worse than teenagers.....oh yes...........i shiver with the thought. and i have both.

3 will fight..but so will 2. lol. no matter what age spread. one of my grands has 2 sisters, 17 and 15. and one sister 18 months. holy shit...in one she is the baby, and in one she is the oldest. and the baby can outfight all of em.

ya got room for 3? that will take up a lot of space or you will hear get her/him out of here! can you afford what each might want? dance, piano, gym, etc? just some more ideas....most of us just go oh shit im pregnant and deal anyways. lol. your actually the only person i have known who planned kids.........

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:29 pm 
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It is true that kids will sometimes fight no matter how many you have, but as the old saying goes "two's company, 3's a crowd." I can tell you I've seen it not only in my 3 kid family, but those of others I know, especially where there are mixed boys and girls.

BTW: My Kids are a boy aged 11, a girl aged 10 and a girl aged 7. My son hates being the only boy.

I guess once you know that financially it's an option, that leaves you with one pretty tough decision?? I'm not trying to put you off BTW, I was just wanting you to be aware that the dynamics can change quite dramatically especially as they get older. You already have a boy and a girl, so no matter what you have, one will always feel disadvantaged because of not having a same sex sibling. That single child may require more attention from the same sex parent to make up for that.

Good luck whatever you decide.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 11:35 pm 
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calista, my son is almost 16 months old now and i wish i could have another baby but i'm 41 so i don't think it would be a good idea. :( . I have 3 kids but the older 2 don't live with us, my son will be 17 next month and my daughter is 13. Knowing my little one is my last it is very depressing seeing him get bigger and become more independent, he'd rather feed himself then me feed him.
I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one. Good luck with it all.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:23 am 
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I thought I wanted four, but my h was adamant that we would have no more than two. Then the whole discussion became academic when I had a hysterectomy because of some pretty severe problems I was having. For a while I was sad -- it's very hard to give up your ability to bear children -- but as the years went by I was glad we'd stuck with two.

Part of it is due to the same situation Amanda is talking about. I am one of three -- the oldest, with a sister a year and a half younger, and a brother three and a half years younger. It was *always* two against one as we were growing up. The alliances changed, but no matter what, there were always two kids ganging up on the third, and the fights were constant. That gets old in a hurry.

With my own children, one situation where I felt that two was easier than three was when we were traveling. A lot of our family vacations involved road trips in the car. Two kids in the back seat both get a window, whereas when I was growing up, somebody always had to sit in the middle, leading to endless fights. (Of course these days, minivans are so fancier than our old station wagons -- they have DVD machines and rotating chairs and all sorts of crazy stuff.) And in a motel, we could get away with two double beds in one room, whereas with another child, you either need a second room, or somebody has to sleep in a cot -- leading to more fights. And when we were touring someplace, a museum or whatever, my h would take one kid and I would take the other, and I wasn't so worried about somebody escaping.

The main reason I am glad we stopped, though, is finances -- I just don't know how we would have afforded another child, especially with education expenses. It all just adds up like you can't believe. I'm still paying on a loan for a year of my daughter's undergraduate education, and she finished five years ago. Then when she decided to go to grad school, she took out her own loans, but they don't cover living expenses -- we (mostly my exh) had to subsidize her a lot. Now she's cut back to part-time and has a job and can support herself, but that has affected her ability to study, and she's exhausted and stressed.

There's no right or wrong answer, though, and you'll decide for yourself what works best for your family. If you and D are doing well and he's supportive, then it could be great to have that third child.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 7:23 am 
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You sound like you know what you want. Its now or never right? I have 2. I found the sleepless nights were easier the second time around because I knew what to expect. You can hire temporary helpers/nannies to come in and help. I've always heard it was difficult going from 2 to 3. But, let's face it, kids are a lot of work, but it is worth it. I wouldn't change a thing. I have an awesome teenager. She has a 4.something grade point average, was admitted to a fantastic university in the scholars program with a great sholarship and is going into medicine. We are going to be great friends when she is older and are already. There were a few difficult times, but that is just part of the package. I always wondered what it would be like if I had another child. I sort of wish I did have another one so my 8 year old would be less alone. Do what is in your heart. I would assume you would need someone to come in and help a lot during the pregnancy with the other kids though since you can count on bed rest. You wont be able to get up and pick up the 11 month old. Good luck in whatever you decide.


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 Post subject: Re: April
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:34 pm 
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calista315 wrote:
So teenagehood is hard huh? So I would have 3 teens at one point--13, 15 and 19. YIKES! That is scary. HMMM. more to ponder.


Yes, the teenage years are more difficult than I ever expected. And I've been blessed with minimally rebellious teens. Still, they are a major cause of stress and worry as they become more independent, and start making their own (sometimes unwise) decisions. Just wait until your daughter gets her driver's license. Very scary!

But, it's all worth it.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:39 pm 
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Oh, and I do agree with C2L about teenagers. You go through some rough times, but once they get a little older, it gets a lot better. My daughter just turned 21 and we have the best relationship now. She is graduating from college in May.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:32 pm 
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Location: Reality ~ It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
I had a vision that I would have a son but I don't know how that will come to pass since my husband is 62 years old and impotent! He feels too old to have more kids and I am getting old enough that the risks for problems are greater (I am 38).

I have two wonderful daughters, almost 17 and 7, but I would have another child if I could. I have had a number of miscarriages over the years and I recall how difficult it was each time I lost a pregnancy. I went on bedrest at 20 weeks with my second daughter with the fear that I was going to lose her too. That was a very stressful pregnancy for me and I think she may be more emotionally sensitive as a result. My doctor does not think I should get pregnant again due to the post partum depression I had with my younger daughter but there were other factors that were more related to my being depressed than my having a baby. The reason my doctor does not want me to get pregnant is because she thinks I need to be on meds my whole life. Ironically, I am off meds now (my doctor does not know this because I have not seen her for awhile).

I understand your wanting another child and you seem to be well aware of the risks. You are looking at all the factors so you can make the best decision. The answer will come to you one way or another.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:09 am 
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Calista~

Her is my 2 cents worth~

I have one daughter who is 22. I wanted more but could not due to many miscarriages. Finally, I had to face the fact that there would be no more children. And damn, that was a toughie. A huge loss for me. And my H as we have no children together and he has no heir. (Yes, it does "bother" his parents to a certain extent - one of those in-law issues.)

When my daughter was a teen, it was the most difficult time. 3 teenagers at the same time? I think I'd be in a loony bin if that had been my case. Or jail. :halo

My Sis that has 3 kids told me that having #3 was difficult because of the two against one fighting issue. I have had other women with 3 kids tell me the same thing.

The financial impact is another issue to definitely be discussed.

Coming from a place where the majority religion tells the married to "multiply and replenish the earth", I saw so many, many little children go without proper medical and dental treatment because the parents just could not afford to take care of their children properly. It broke my heart.

Yours is a deeply personal decision to make along with your H. I think you are definitely in a good spot; talking to a counselor, bringing the issue up here, discussing the issues with your H. Whatever you decide to do, I think you will handle it just fine.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:15 am 
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Oh, yes, I second what April said. My daughter is 22, married and will be graduating from college soon. She is one of my best friends.

It seemed like at 17, suddenly something clicked in her head and the insanity stopped. :shrug It went increasingly uphill from there. I've had other parents say the same thing: that at a certain age, their teen "grew a brain". So their is hope after teenhood.

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