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 Post subject: Looking ahead: life after therapy
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:03 pm 
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In my wise mind, I have my last few sessions all planned out. It's almost like I'm done with therapy already. But, when I think about sitting in my t's office for the last time, I lose it. My emotions take over and I feel a deep sadness coming on.

I know grieving about the loss is natural under the circumstances. I know I need to accept my feelings, and sit with them, not run away from them.

I like what Ash posted in Deep Blue about my inner self always being there for me. I understand that concept intellectually, but I'm going to have to work on getting my emotional mind to accept it.

Susanna, you said that what helped you was to have alternative coping mechanisms after you quit therapy. Can you elaborate more on what you mean? Do you mean people in your life to turn to other than your t? My biggest challenge is not to look for someone to replace my t. I know better than to seek out another t, but the urge is already there! Weird, huh? When I started therapy with my current t, I had been out of therapy for about 10 years. But, the pull was there and I knew (though denied it to myself) exactly why I wanted to be in therapy again. I wanted that attachment to happen again.

I think what will help me the most is just going on with my life, doing what I've always done, and in addition, setting some goals for new accomplishments. I've got a lot to do in my house that I keep putting off. The clutter is not only my husband's; I've got my own messes to clean up. I have plenty to keep me occupied, and keeping busy is one way I already cope with seeing my t only once per month.

Maybe the anticipation of how the loss will affect me is worse than the actuality. I will have to see what happens. I know my t will reassure me that she will always be there if I need her, so I will have to trust myself to determine when that need arises, how legitimate it is.

Of course I will use the tools on the board and other reading to further my recovery.

When I've stopped therapy, my H won't be able to use that as a reason to be distant from me. So, it's an opportunity to make our relationship better.

Life after therapy looks positive except for that sinking feeling I'm getting when I think about my t and the past too much.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:07 pm 
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((wondering)) your not asking me but im gonna stick in a few cents :)

when my T died or couldnt keep her counseling any longer after her cancer returned (i still have asked if she is gone,,,dont wanna know to be honest) i turned to myself. there is no one in real anyways. hard? oh God yes. does it work? yes, it forced me to use the skills and things even more. do i still come unglued? yes, a lot. but trust you...turn to YOU. i think you might be very surprised at how good wondering actually is:)

i didnt have to wonder what i would do when my T quit. if i thought on it, i would have freaked, doubted myself, and completely had a cow. i would have said i couldnt do it.

but i can, and altho its a bitch of a path, i bet you can also. :)

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:22 am 
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(((Wondering))))

I don't have a lot of advice, actually I have no advice. I probably am the last person to give advice on this topic! But I wanted to wish you well. I think you know what you need to do to be there for yourself. Of course it's going to be a bit scary, but I think you'll be fine. I hear a lot of perseverence in your voice. You want to make this happen, so you will! I'm proud of you!!!! You go girl! :thumbsup

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:07 pm 
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I think you're on to something with the "fear of the event is worse than the actual event." The fear is filled with negative anticipation. Once the event is at hand or has passed, there's nothing left to anticipate so the fear is gone.
:luck

Anyway, having the big distractions laid out (decluttering, working on marital relationship, etc.) is a good step in the right direction. What other, specific to T separation, can you plan for?

Maybe come up with some key points your T has shared with you so you can refer to them when you're stressed and missing her. (I had the Five Steps from mine.)

I also used the "WWSS" theory. Kind of like WWJD (what would Jesus do) I went with "What would Sharon say?" Having her words reverberating in my mind helped a lot, especially in times of stress.

Maybe you could also set aside some time (for emergencies or on a regular basis) to do some self-therapy. "If I were in a T session, what would we talk about? What would she say? Where would that lead? What would I learn? How would I feel?"

What I said in the other thread about your Genuine Self never abandoning you also applies for your memories of your T. The things she said, the ways she made you feel, those things and more will always be part of you. You took them into yourself and they live within you. Just because the physical T isn't there doesn't mean the spirit of your T has left. That part can only go away when you force it out or allow it to die from neglect.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 4:26 pm 
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Wondering: Does your T know that you will be discontinuing therapy?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:03 pm 
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Candle: Hi :) I think my t knows because I left her a phone message about 2 weeks ago telling her what I decided. I did not ask her to call me back, but I assume she received my message. My appointment is a week from Tuesday. In case you're wondering if she thinks I'm ready, there's no doubt in my mind that she had a big smile on her face when she heard my message. Is that why you asked if she knew? I'd like to know what you're thinking. I'm getting more and more certain I'm making the right decision, even though I will be sad.

Jody: I think you had a wonderful T who gave you lots of tools, and I'm really glad you're doing okay. I hope I will be able to do as well. Thank you for your encouragement.

Ash: I appreciate your suggestions and input. You remind of my T. When I'm talking and moving in an adult direction, she's there to help me with lots of advice, but when I'm acting like a child, she lets me deal with it myself. That's not a criticism of either of you; it's just an observation. I like everything you wrote here. I feel like I've got resources to help me now, and I feel better. A former T told me that anticipation of a scary or painful event is usually worse than the actually event.

BG, yeah, I feel stronger about my decision! I just don't want to blow it all at my session, and change my mind and back down. I don't thnk I will, though.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:12 pm 
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Location: Reality ~ It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
When I had to give up alcohol (while on court-ordered Antabuse medication), I found that part of what made not drinking difficult for me was being thirsty. I found that not drinking alcohol was a bit easier if I drank other beverages in place of the alcohol I was used to consuming. I started drinking a lot of soda, Crystal Lite (like Kool-Aid for adults), or anything I could pour down my throat (I couldn't drink water at that time due to water making me nauseous after having used water to wash down syrup of ipecac while I was bulimic). The act of lifting a glass and swallowing liquid helped replace those habitual gestures that went with my drinking alcohol and I was able to deal with the withdrawal effect (and the getting sick from drinking while on Antabuse) more in isolation. I think smokers have this same issue as many need candy or things to suck on in place of sucking on cigarettes.

Are there additional healthy replacements to therapy that you haven't already mentioned that you could try in order to take your mind off being in therapy? Are there people you can use the same way you used your therapist - someone to care about you and share your thoughts with? Are there people who can give you the same type of advice your therapist gives you? Are there books you can read? I know I tend to decide I would rather spend my money on books than on therapy so this is one I use myself! Maybe there are other ways you can spend the money you have been spending on therapy so that you feel you are getting more for your money.

Can you accept the fact that you are going to miss therapy and your therapist no matter how well you deal with leaving therapy? Do you have a plan in place for those times you will want to call her or send her a message? Are you resolved to making it work? It won't be easy - do you believe that you can make it work?

I had left therapy before my former therapist left the area following a promotion. She moved in one direction and I moved in another direction but she still gave me permission to call if I ever needed to talk to her. Had it been possible to return to therapy with her, I would have gone back to her rather than looking for another therapist but that is not an option and I had to accept that I have to find other solutions instead. Can you imagine that therapy with your current therapist is not going to be an option in your future (kind of like burning a bridge behind you)?

Wondering, I believe you can do this. Can you believe in yourself and know that you can handle whatever comes your way?

Something came to mind just as I thought I was finished with this reply. One thing I find reassuring about leaving therapy is that everything I talked about and everything that happened in therapy are gone. Are you worried about losing those things you experienced during therapy sessions?

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 2:31 pm 
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Hi wondering, I am getting to this thread - honest! I am just a bit swamped at work for the next day or so. As soon as I can see some spare space I'll come back here.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:02 pm 
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Thanks, Denim. I'll respond to this soon. I didn't forget. :)
Susanna, I know how it is. I'm busy too. Whenever you get a chance is fine. :)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:11 pm 
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Hi Wondering,

(((Wondering)))

Just wanted to give ya' a hug! I feel like we're on the same path. . .you're just a little farther down the road than I am. But we both are headed the same direction.

Life can be scary, but it's time to see what we're made of. We're going to face uncertainties and have to make decisions. We're going to trip and skin our knees. We'll hit roadblocks and have to find a new route. There will be times of darkness when we cannot see what's ahead. At times, we will feel lonely and doubtful and afraid. But always, we will keep on moving.

If we look closely, we will realize we aren't completely alone. There are wildflowers growing on either side of the path. A gray squirrel chatters at us from a nearby tree. A fallen log gives us safe passage across the stream. We might even pause then, and listen to the music of nature, as water bubbles over rock.

Most surely, we are headed somewhere.

well-wishers standing off in the distance, cheering us on.

But the path we must walk alone.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 1:55 pm 
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Denim: Thank you for your advice to find replacements for the behavior I'm trying to give up. I do consider it an addiction like smoking or drinking, so I do need to find alternatives like you did. So far, I know that I have one close friend who will listen to me (she already does) and not judge me. She's never been in therapy and is an upbeat, positive person, and I am very grateful to have her. Having someone like that is more important to me than having someone to ask the kinds of questions I asked my t. But I also have a lot of books to read, and I am reading one right now that I find helpful. I'm also working on getting involved with some of my hobbies again. Last but definitely not least, I am talking with my H about what's going on with me. He doesn't support me the way I'd like, but at least he's there.

Yes, I'm just starting to realize that I will miss my t and the real therapeutic relationship, not just my fantasies about her taking care of me. I've been seeing her almost 5 years, so I can't expect NOT to have adult feelings about ending therapy. Yes, I want to make it work and I believe I can! Positive self-talk is what I'm working on! I will call my friend, or post on the board if I feel like I want to call my t. One problem is that she is not ever going to forbid me to call her or set up an appointment to see her. In a way, that would be easier but I want her to be available if I truly need to see her, so I have to accept that I won't abuse that option.

Quote:
One thing I find reassuring about leaving therapy is that everything I talked about and everything that happened in therapy are gone. Are you worried about losing those things you experienced during therapy sessions?


I'm not sure I understand you. For you, it's reassuring that what you talked about is gone? For me, it's just the opposite. I don't want it to be gone. But, I am not worried about losing what I experienced because I have my memory and my journals. Already, this week-end I visualized many positive statements my t has made to me. I've usually focused on the negative ones, but I'm now thinking positively. I can smile when I picture her praising me. I know I have to praise myself, but it helps when I first imagine her doing it. So, I think I can do it.

I'm a little afraid I will be triggered when I see her this week, but I am going to let that happen. I know that the solution to that problem is to quit therapy, and that's why I'm doing it.

(((Emerging))).

You're a poet, a brilliant one! What you posted is beautiful, and I hope you will find it helpful for you too. I love those images of nature, and I especially love water. Thank you for giving me the gift of your talent.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 10:19 am 
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2 more days until my session, and I'm getting anxious. My thoughts and feelings are jumping around from feeling strong to feeling needy. I want to schedule 2 more monthly sessions after this, so it's not the end, but I feel like it is. Part of me wants to say I changed my mind, and what's wrong with continuing monthly sessions? Wise mind says that would be like an alcoholic being sober for a month and then getting drunk and harming himself on that 1 day.

After my 2nd session with my t I knew what I was doing but I didn't care. I wanted that high and I got it, sometimes. I don't know if wanting the "high" is the same craving as wanting my t to take care of me, but they got mixed up together. Every time I think I have it figured out, I get confused. I suppose it doesn't matter. I have to get all those needs met outside of therapy, anyway.

I'm going to be positive about my session, that it will be productive. I don't want to talk only about my attachment to her, so I will make myself start with the list of what I've gained from therapy. I'm just afraid I will freeze at my session, sitting there thinking about therapy ending. So it may be that I discuss that, instead. I know I have to stop planning what will happen, and just let it happen.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 1:15 pm 
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I think you will know instinctively what to talk about when you get there. You will know in your mind what you feel is most important to talk about. You are doing so well and you will make the most of this visit. I have confidence in you! :thumbsup

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