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 Post subject: Jealousy
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:48 pm 
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I came home crying because I'm so jealous. At times like these I want to call my t, but I have to learn that I can handle it myself. I'm jealous of other people's happiness, for one thing. I just found out someone's daughter got engaged. I'm supposed to be happy, but instead I'm crying because I want my daughter to be engaged. She wants it too. I just can't be happy for other people, though I know it would be better if I could. I was at a shower for someone else when I found out. There also a few other reasons I was jealous, but I don't want to talk about it here. At least I didn't eat anything fattening because I felt sorry for myself and couldn't eat. I hope others didn't see me not looking happy.

How do you cope with jealousy?


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 10:02 pm 
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I just want to add that I know I have a lot in my life to feel grateful for. Others have it a lot worse than I do. But I'm still jealous.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 10:07 pm 
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Wow Wondering! I could have written your post! I think I must be the most jealous person in the world! All of my friends are becoming grandparents right now and I know I'm not going to be one. My son isn't in a relationship and it kills me! I literally have been sitting here thinking about this, and then I opened up BPDR and read your post!

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't deal with it very well. I either try to ignore it when I hear of other people's good stuff. Like my sister will go on and on about our friends becoming grandparents and I tune it out. That's not very nice. I know it. I did speak to my T about it. He said I have to use Radical Acceptance and accept things the way they are. I think he said something about being happy for other people, blah blah blah.

I don't know. Maybe we have to believe that eventually these good things WILL happen to our kids. Also, that things don't stay the same - that they do indeed change. I swear I was crying last night because of the same thing.

My H says that what I may want for my son is not what he wants for himself. That I can't live his life for him.

I still don't know what the answer is. I guess Radical Acceptance of the way things are NOW may be one answer. But other than that, I don't know what to do. It would be easy for me to say to you "get over it" but look at me - I'm not much of a role model. So I can't talk, you know?

Oh, the other thing my H said is to look at the good that we have. So I look at my son and his accomplishments - he's healthy (knock on wood), he had a good education, he has a good job, he's smart, he doesn't do stupid things. So maybe look at the good that your daughter does and the happiness she brings to you and your H.

I hope you get some better answers than what I said. I need the same help that you do. I know it's got to do with some kind of acceptance. I'm sorry you feel bad. I can feel your pain. Really. I'm sending you a big hug (((((Wondering))))))

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:35 pm 
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I can be a jealous person as well and I can really relate to it. There are a few things that have helped me. First off, many people, some of them aquantances (i know that's spelled wrong) and some of my friends have shared with me that they are jealous of me, and that has put a lot of things into perspective.

Also, keep in mind that jealous is all about assumptions. Everyone has bad times. When I brought up to my therapist that I was jealous she said to me, "I have never been a jealous person because that means I want to be someone else and I don't want to be anyone but myself." I put it into perspective, and I really don't want to be anyone else.

Also, I practice a little DBT here. Whenever I feel jealous of someone I make a list of 5 bad things or traits of them and then make a list of 10 qualities of me. Then I try to sympathize with them and I tell myself that I have it a lot better than them.

Also, this is dumb, but whenever I feel jealous I watch a reality show. Whether it be a reality show about a married couple or just about a group of ppl it really helps. When the show first starts I always think that the ppl on the show are perfect and get really jealous of them. As the show progresses I see all of the imperfections and insecurities of others and it makes me realize no one is perfect. And I can guarantee you, it's not what you think.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:40 pm 
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That's true Erin. I used to work in a place where we dealt with a lot of very wealthy people. I used to be very jealous of them. But slowly I learned a lot of their family stories, and how messed up they all were. I realized I didn't have a lot to feel jealous about.

I suppose we sometimes have to look at the "bad" in people's lives to gain some perspective. I used to feel bad doing that, but I understand it now. It's not to elevate ourselves and make us out to be better than them - it's just to gain perspective and show us that not all is perfect on the other side of the fence. I think we also have to realize that even in our own lives, things could be worse. We need to be grateful for what we do have. I have to keep reminding myself of that all the time.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:57 am 
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erink wrote:
Also, keep in mind that jealous is all about assumptions. Everyone has bad times.


This is the key. Everyone has struggles. Just because someone is getting married doesn't make them happy or in a good situation.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:50 am 
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BG: thank you for your post. I know that you understand how I feel. Your T gave you the correct answer, but it's hard to do it. I want to be happy for others, and I genuinely am, but at the same time I'm envious of them. It's hard for me to fake being happy for someone when I'm jealous and envious. I have to learn how to actually feel the happiness, and realize will come to me too.

Erin: Your ideas are interesting. But, in my situation right now, I don't want to think anything bad about a girl getting engaged! It's all good, and happy! I'm just jealous. I don't have it better than they do. I just have to be patient. My daughter is not upset, but I am. I know it brings up my jealousy of people in the past, for other reasons.

Aqua: I get what you're saying, but it IS good. This is pure and simple jealousy because, take my word for it, this is a very happy event! But I guess for my daugher, it's not her time yet. So it wouldn't be right, whereas it is for the others. Maybe this is what you and Erin are saying, after all. My family has other good things going on, and I'm sure other families have god and "bad" too. So it evens out, and there's no need for me t be jealous.

So, it's a case of understanding that intellectually, but still feeling jealous.
Maybe I need to untwist my thinking more.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:16 am 
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wondering wrote:
Aqua: I get what you're saying, but it IS good. This is pure and simple jealousy because, take my word for it, this is a very happy event! But I guess for my daugher, it's not her time yet. So it wouldn't be right, whereas it is for the others. Maybe this is what you and Erin are saying, after all. My family has other good things going on, and I'm sure other families have god and "bad" too. So it evens out, and there's no need for me t be jealous.



I'm sure it's a happy event, wondering. All marriages seem like happy events. Keep in mind that this is your perception. I can go to a wedding for two people whom I think are the worst match in the world, and who get divorced within a year, and it's a happy event. I'm not being pessimistic, I just think you could keep in mind that there is no fairy-tale, it's going to be the reality of two people trying to get along and live together happily. And it has nothing to do with whether your daughter has found her match or not.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:16 pm 
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Wondering, it doesn't matter if the couple is happy or not. The issue is you dealing with the jealousy. I know how you feel. It's not my son's time yet either. I wish it were. I also want to be happy for my friends and their children. I don't want to seem like a jealous person. I guess we accept this, we look at it and then do nothing. Sort of how to deal with anxiety. Just let the feelings be.

I talk to other mothers who are in similar situations as I am. I ask them how they deal with it. And I do look at the good in my son's life. Maybe now isn't the time for him. He's busy with other things. It's not as important to him as it is to me. We have to be aware of what our children want. My H says that if our son wanted a relationship that badly, he'd go after it. So obviously now is not the time for him. And as far as dealing with jealousy, as I said, we need to look at it, understand it and do nothing. What other choice is there? We're allowed to have feelings. My T said I should not beat myself up over having feelings. I don't want to get myself sick over this. I'm sure you don't either. You're not a bad person because you're envious. It's human nature to feel envy. But try not to let it consume you. I'm still working on this. I know how hard it is. Try not to let it be your sole focus though. Difficult stuff, huh?

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:04 am 
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Thanks, BG. Yeah, jealousy and envy are hard to deal with. But I'm trying to accept that whatever happens is meant to be, so there's no reason to be jealous. I went to the engagement party and was able to feel happy for the family. :)


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:24 am 
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Bordergirl wrote:
Wondering, it doesn't matter if the couple is happy or not. The issue is you dealing with the jealousy. I know how you feel. It's not my son's time yet either. I wish it were. I also want to be happy for my friends and their children. I don't want to seem like a jealous person. I guess we accept this, we look at it and then do nothing. Sort of how to deal with anxiety. Just let the feelings be.

I talk to other mothers who are in similar situations as I am. I ask them how they deal with it. And I do look at the good in my son's life. Maybe now isn't the time for him. He's busy with other things. It's not as important to him as it is to me. We have to be aware of what our children want. My H says that if our son wanted a relationship that badly, he'd go after it. So obviously now is not the time for him. And as far as dealing with jealousy, as I said, we need to look at it, understand it and do nothing. What other choice is there? We're allowed to have feelings. My T said I should not beat myself up over having feelings. I don't want to get myself sick over this. I'm sure you don't either. You're not a bad person because you're envious. It's human nature to feel envy. But try not to let it consume you. I'm still working on this. I know how hard it is. Try not to let it be your sole focus though. Difficult stuff, huh?


I deal with it through rationality. I try to see what reality is, regardless of how I feel. And when I analyze the situation, it takes the strong feelings away, because it doesn't make sense to have them. What works for one may not work for another, but it is working for me, because I am making gains. I don't feel the same way in certain situations anymore because of the work I've done. Yes, I allow myself to feel, but when I do, I figure out what is behind those feelings, why I am feeling them. Doing nothing is just going to make sure I have to feel those strong feelings again and again - a coping situation. But doing nothing is a good first step to making a different choice other than reacting badly!

I feel envy, in fact, very recently, I did feel envy towards another. But I analyzed it, figured out it actually had something to do with high school, lol, and then thought about it until I didn't feel the envy as much so. Eventually I won't feel it at all - or that is my goal, to feel less strongly.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:40 am 
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That makes sense, Aqua. I guess behind the feelings for me is the concern that life won't work out the way I want it to. The uncertainty of life. I want it all done already. I want the good things in life to happen according to my time-table, but of course they don't! I want control over things that I don't have control over. So the jealousy and envy are not that I don't want it for the other person, but because I'm anxious about getting what they have at all. If I knew when I would get whatever it is I'm jealous of, I'd feel better. So, it's about having no control and not knowing what will happen in the future.

Thinking about it that way changes it a little from feeling jealous. It's untwisting my thinking. It's all CBT again, about trying to think what brings on the feelings. I know the jealousy and envy will hit me, but if I try to untwist my thinking, it will help somewhat. I'm working on it.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:59 am 
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Yes, this is good stuff, wondering! :)

I think this prayer really has taken on a whole new meaning for me lately:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Acceptance is the key, I suppose, at this point.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:04 pm 
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It hit me again. Someone we've known for years just called to say her daughter is engaged. I'm very happy for her, and I told her that, but feel depressed now. I don't want to feel this way every time someone gets engaged. What can I do?


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:00 pm 
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((((Wondering))))

I had a long talk with a friend today about the same thing. One thing she said, which sounds very simplistic, is that the grass always seems greener on the other side. That's not to say that the girl who got engaged is necessarily unhappy or in a bad relationship. I think she meant that we need to focus on the GOOD things we have - so for you it would be to focus on your relationship with your daughter and the positives of that relationship. Nothing is black and white. It's almost like DBT work. Think about things that are good about your daughter and make you proud of her. Is SHE happy?

I really like what you wrote about control and the time-table. I feel the same way - you articulated it perfectly! Yes, I want control over my son. I want him in a relationship because it's what I want! But we can't control anything. I have learned that the hard way. So we have to accept. I know you're not a mean-spirited person and only want good things for the girl who got engaged. But hey, you also want a little piece of the pie for your daughter! That's natural. But I think the more we try to control the situation, the worse it will be for us. It drags us down and makes us feel bad. We're expending too much energy on this when we could be focusing on other things. My H tells me to look at my son and see that he is healthy (knock on wood), has a good job, is smart and good-looking. The other stuff will come when the time is right. We cannot control other people and we cannot control the situation.

I think you will have ups and downs with this. But maybe by accepting that you have no control will help. I hope so!

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