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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:07 pm 
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Emerging -

Your post is great ! You, imo, explained it really well. - It touches on many things I've heard from friends I know that were abused and it puts it into the logical sense of what abuse is about- twists the thoughts; feelings; understandings of the person who experienced the abuse.

I'm really glad you posted. It is this type of feedback that I think Denim would receive (and in larger doses) at twhj.net - if she thinks she can/wants/needs further understanding, but yes, it is gonna be a lot to deal with. (not to say all of what she will receive will be 'good stuff' that she can relate to but she'd see more posts along these lines, imo.)


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:20 pm 
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ps - Emerging -

I can relate to the 'bad little girl' inside.. but I've never considered that to be inner child work. That has always been presented to me just as you have - in the context of abuse- while inner child work has always been presented to me in the context of finding myself- happiness/contentment/- umm.. breaking from co-dependancy/attachment issues.

I'm not saying you are wrong- just saying that my understanding of such is different than yours.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:58 am 
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Denim Blue wrote:

I don't think I am dissociating, just not paying attention. I have a hard time paying attention sometimes. I used to get in trouble for not paying attention a lot so it is something I have been working on for many years. My father would say that the only way to get my attention was to smack me upside the head so my husband hitting me may be the best way to get my attention. It was common in childhood.

I don't know if I have any pictures of me at 4 since my father burned everything when I left. I have some pictures my mother gave me but not very many and none of them are when I was 4. My father cut all my hair off in chunks when I was 4 so the only picture I remember ever seeing of that time was one of me with my calico cat. I probably got rid of that picture when he killed my cat so I would not think about losing her or my hair but I do still remember that picture.


Denim~

I agree that you have shown a lot of patience, strength and courage with this thread. I commend you on your follow through.

About dissociating:

I didn't know until my most recent T explained to me a few years ago that my "tuning out" was a form of dissociating. I learned how to do that very well as a child because my Dad was known for his 3 hour religious lectures. I learned how to "look" like I was paying attention and going somewhere else in my mind. (My survival depended upon it as to not pay attention incurred my Dad's abusive wrath.)

About "punishing" and blaming oneself:

In your posts, I sense that you are blaming yourself for what your Dad's abuse of you. That somehow you had done something to deserve it. The same with the daycare persons.

That is something that I can relate to as well. I used to pick abusive partners; someone that I knew I could provoke into hitting/abusing me. Because I deserved that abuse somehow. Getting rid of the inner shame and blame that I felt for so many years was extremely difficult to do - and I'm not sure that I have purged it all as of yet.

Abuse:

I don't think I need to tell you that what your Dad did to you as well as the daycare persons was abuse.

Abuse YOU didn't deserve in any way, shape or form.

I can relate to some of the incidents that you are telling us here. My Mom used to chop my hair off because it wasn't pretty and curly enough. My Dad shot and killed my little white kitten because it pooped on the lawn. I promise you that these incidents traumatized me to the point I remember them well. I was no more than 4 when these things happened.

TV's can be replaced; what your Dad did to you by breaking your arm, what was taken from you that day cannot be replaced. At least, not without a lot of work.

My H and I love family pictures and have many on our "family hallway". There is a picture of me with 3 of my siblings hanging there. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine myself or any young child doing ANYTHING that would warrant the abuse that you suffered. I look at the photo of myself and remember the innocence, being trusting, loving life. I didn't deserve to be punished such as I was. Nor did you.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:05 am 
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Smilininside,

I'm glad you liked my post. I tried to explain things from my own standpoint of having what feels like a bad child and trying to relate it to what Denim may be feeling based on her experiences.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:06 am 
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Denim,

I also want to commend you for your hard work in this thread! :)


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 2:20 am 
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Location: Reality ~ It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
The movement in my head is hard to think now so later.

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Keep it a question.
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