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 Post subject: Dependency and treatment and how to change!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:57 am 
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I realize I am a dependent personality which also goes along with BPD very often. Even though I'm aware of it, I still see myself agreeing with people who are stronger, saying things that basically put myself below them, submissive if you will. I want to change this. I wonder if I can! I do a lot of agreeing, praising the other people who are usually leader types, stronger than I am, wanting to be taken care of. I do it always, with my therapist too. I sometimes think I should quit therapy because of it--just to force myself to be more on my own, yet I know I will still do it in real life anyway.

I'm thinking I might have to do some exercises such as state my opinion even if it differs from the person I am talking to. And actually sometimes I do this with certain people, including my T and my H, yet I will switch back again to the underling.

Any thoughts on how to start to change this? Books, exercises, anything?

I really want to make some headway here.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:06 pm 
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I see two things going on here. First, you say you agree with people who you believe are "superior" to you. Second, that you are a dependent person who wants to be taken care of. These seem to be two separate issues.

I can relate a little bit to the first part. I often will agree with other people. Not because I think they're "better" than me. Maybe more because I feel they know the topic we're discussing better than I do. So I give in to them because I feel they know more about what is "right." I think what you might need to do is learn to be more sure of yourself. What types of things do you find yourself agreeing with? Is it politics? Or something as simple as where will we go for dinner? You might be afraid to state your opinion because you are afraid of rejection. Usually people will not reject you because you have a different opinion. They might actually look up to you and think highly of you because you know what you want and can say so with conviction. You have to have faith in yourself. And remember, there is no "right" or "wrong." This is something I am learning too.

I also struggle with being dependent on people. I am dependent on my H and on my T. Unfortunately I have not gotten very far on this one, so I don't have a lot to say about it.

Of course your fear of expressing your opinion can tie in with the dependency issue. If you state your opinion, the people you are dependent upon may not look out for you anymore. That can be scary.

I think the more you get out there and interact with other people, the more chance you will have to become more sure of yourself. If it's a particular topic you're not sure of, read up on it. Then you can state your opinions when you're in a group. I also suggest to keep working on this in therapy. I would not leave therapy though. If anything, this is a major topic to keep discussing in therapy.

Change like this does not happen overnight. It's a slow process. But I think it can be done. I hope I helped even a little bit.

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 Post subject: Re: Dependency and treatment and how to change!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 1:59 pm 
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Committed2Life wrote:
I'm thinking I might have to do some exercises such as state my opinion even if it differs from the person I am talking to.

Looks to me like you might have an answer to your own question!

Another idea might be take an action YOU want to, especially when you would normally just go along.
I guess I'm thinking about...My neighbor is notorious for telling everyone "You guys had better eat all this up or it's going in the trash", and K and I tend to just go along with that even if we're already full. Lately, I've started just saying "No thank you - I've had enough." Small step, but it feels really GOOD to listen to what I want and take action!

Practice, practice, practice....

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