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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 8:05 am 
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Emerging,
I am the same way, same problem. I sometimes just lay in bed and hold onto my pillow, trying to self soothe. I don't know how to accept what feels unacceptable. It does sound like you have come into close contact with the reality of this situation. I too tried to find people to substitute. The only thing that helps is relationships I form with friends, yet it is difficult for me because I tend to isolate or talk myself out of seeking out new experiences. A long process and a huge struggle.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 8:06 am 
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Emerging - I'm glad you feel a bit better. When I say I "go to sleep" I don't mean it in the way you sleep to avoid problems. I just do it sometimes when I get overwhelmed and want to quiet my brain. I feel safe under the covers, holding my teddy bear, and I sometimes talk to G-d, and I eventually relax. It calms me down.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 1:17 pm 
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(((Emerging))),

I'm so sorry I couldn't be on the board when you were feeling so bad yesterday. I'm glad you got some good support to help you through that lonely time.

I know it is awful while you are going through it, but accepting reality means that you are moving toward health. As you know, I've been in my fantasy world for years. It is very difficult to grieve and move on, but you can do it. I understand your grief about having to let go of your dreams of having your parents, T, or someone else give you the unconditional love that you want. It's okay to grieve about that loss. It's necessary to grieve about it, I believe. We have to grieve for what we can't have, and then we can begin to move forward.

I liked what Ash posted in my thread about life after therapy, how we have our inner self to give us what we can't get from anyone else. Maybe it will help if you read it.

Just a thought. Maybe if you can accept the reality of what you can't get from anyone, you can think about ways you can get "some" of what you crave. No, you can't make up for what you missed as a child, but maybe you can find ways to make your relationship with your parents better, for example. Maybe you can make it "good enough." Maybe you can accept your relationship with your T as "good enough" also. You can make small steps to develop reciprocal relationships with other women who can become your friends without acting in that parental role with you.

I'm finding that by letting go, slowly, of my attachment to my t, I'm more willing to seek out other outlets that will satisfy me somewhat. Letting go of the fantasy frees me to think about healthy ways to get what I want. I think you'll be able to do this too, but it will come after you grieve for the loss. For now, grieving is your work, and it's hard work. Then you can slowly move forward. I'll be there with you, step by step.

(((Emerging)))


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 1:28 pm 
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I just want to correct something in my post to you. What Ash posted to me about your Inner self always being with you, and that you are never alone, is in my thread on The Couch, about "me, my problem, and the board," not in the one about "life after therapy".

How are you feeling today, Emerging?


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:52 pm 
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Hi C2L,

I know you can understand my feelings. Thanks for responding. Like you, I know I need to make friendships with peers. I just have been isolating and not making the effort. I have a sense that inside, I am terribly lonely for friends. But my desire to protect myself from hurt is stronger. Since getting terribly "burned" 5 years ago by a "parental friend," and then slowly losing my other friends due to my ongoing depression, I've become a virtual hermit. I am polite to others but do not give them an opportunity to get close to me. I can't really blame anybody else for my loneliness, since it has now become self-imposed. My parental issues have become the focal point in my depression and have taken precedence over everything else it seems. I am not sure where to go from here. I want to be happy for the good things I have in life. But right now, it's what I don't have -- and can't have -- that hurts so much.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:03 pm 
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Bordergirl,

Thanks for clarifying. I don't always sleep to avoid. Sometimes, I do it because it feels good. If I put the covers clear over my head, it feels like a safe cocoon. Sometimes I need that when I get overstimulated.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:08 pm 
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Wondering,

It's OK you couldn't be there for me. I appreciate you replying now. I hope it gets easier to accept reality. I haven't gotten there yet. I am going in and out of it. I am going rather numb emotionally now -- not really feeling much of anything. I tend to shut down when things are too overwhelming for me to deal with, and I think that is what is happening to me now. Thank you for walking with me through this. I think it's going to be a process.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:10 pm 
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PS -

Thanks also for the good suggestions on how I might develop healthier ways of meeting my needs. That will be helpful for me. Right now, I'm just trying to stay present with what's happening to me versus numbing out. I very much don't want to be in touch with this pain.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:11 am 
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E2 - Yes, and sleeping cuddled with my Teddy Bear also makes me feel safe and warm! He's always there for me!!!!

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