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 Post subject: Grappling around for security!
PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:08 am 
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Well the last few months have been very life altering and I have been sitting on the side of the fence that says deal with not worrying too much about it, but very deep in thought and digging away at my past relationships with parents etc...Sifting through anger and despair feeling childlike and then having that adult head trying to to judge feelings but at times doing so anyway. If not deliberately but its happening anyway.

Looking back at events well since about sept of last year guess I have been processing some pretty big stuff well for me anyway. I opened up a big stop valve and have spent endless days and nights trying to sort through things seeing where messages come from, working out what I want to hold on to, things I like about me, things that aren't so great but I need to accept anyway. I have somewhat swamped myself out too much. I bared my soul in writing and released myself of so much pain and anger and long term suffering doing so. But left myself empty.

Trying to cope with work and family commitments, and the end of a few therapeutic relationships over the last few weeks, realising they have served their purpose yet realising also I have to stand on my own two feet is well more than a tad scary.

Been trying to sit it out, but the last few days have found my hyper sensitive, questioning if I should have said or done things, wondering how others are perceiving me, yet at the same time trying to keep going in this state of mind that says just keep going you are ok.

Well yesterday it all caught up with me, phoned my mum I knew what reaction I would get out of anyway expecting, well not quite but well hoping for a change of heart, or well something to give me a few strokes with, and well I ended up ranting and still didn't get what I needed.

I know this stuff comes from within and I know I can validate myself and nurture myself, but I really would love right now for someone to walk in give me the biggest of hugs and say well you know what "I love you just the way you are!"

I do it for my kids, and my work colleagues and friends but just lately not for me. Cos well to be quite honest I am not feeling that way about myself, I am just feeling loss, everywhere I turn.

I know I wont always feel this way, I know this too shall pass, but eurgghh! right now, I am stuck, the future is a head and I am content that it will be, the past is well behind, but right now today, I want something to hold on to that I don't have to supply. yet at the same time know in all consciousness that it is me it lies with.

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Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 3:40 am 
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You know what this says to me on reflection, hell I need to be nice to me and do things that make me feel better, like hmmm well eating, and getting out some, and well perhaps appreciating what I do have a bit more. without questioning whys for a bit. perhaps just hang out and chill with things a bit more, put my house in order for today and well just stop digging at myself, that might help for starters. easier said than done, but perhaps more effort needed in dy to day stuff than in my past. I seem to have forgotten what that feels like. Leave the rest for the new therapist to help me with.

Starting with getting up and dressed properly and heading out for a while and smiling at little things!

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Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 5:33 am 
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Bogit, your two posts together look like a great example of "sitting with" negative thoughts and emotions. It's unfortunate that effective behavior choices can sometimes feel a little crappy. But it looks like it came out in a pretty good place. And lest I remind you, that if you and I weren't both crazy as a bedbug, we wouldn't be hanging around here. And then what kinda place would this be??? :biggrin


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:39 am 
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Bogit,
I do like the way you try to pull yourself out of a sad mood. You do a lot to help yourself. I also think sometimes it is hard to be alone without another person to lean on, hug, etc. For what it is worth, I like you just the way you are. I think you are an awesome person. I know it would be nice to have validation from your mom. You may one day or you may not. It is hard to know. Her rejection is about her, but I know you know that. It is so difficult to have a rejecting parent.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:31 am 
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Oh boy some days this feels like such hard work! Have been so vacant to what has been going on around me of late, so intent on expelling demons, great I am sure for those living in bubble but I don't and I forgot to live and connect outside of my head.

Oooo I will admit to doing my fair share of acting out in that process of getting to even where I made that first post this morning, but sitting from the first to the second post was very much needed.

Once I actually let the feelings come it was easier to connect back in, been holding them back for a few days now. However was good this morning to watch them come and go and change and develop from the comforts of my duvet.

Thing is what I was looking for from my mum is that kind of unconditional love that allows for mistakes. It has not been available to me from that source in the past and it very hard to allow for self in the darkest of times especially in the process of asking whys?

Thanks for your kind thoughts, they have been much appreciated.

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Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:33 am 
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Bogit you are amazing. You really, really are. And i agree with Ibfuddled- great example!
Be nice to you!!xxx


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 4:32 pm 
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(((Bogit))),

I like you just the way you are, also. :) I admire you for working so hard, and figuring stuff out in this thread.

I'm reading a book on positive self-talk and one of the suggestions is to smile and wave at a mirror every day. Guess what? The person in the mirror will smile and wave back at you! It's silly, but I tried it, and it made me laugh.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 8:24 pm 
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Lol yes ((wondering)) I did do that one myself just this morning and yes it works even if just to start the day with a chuckle. When you get bored you can try out different poses too.

Which book is that?

((GBV)) thank you for the sweet comment I hope you are being very nice to you also!

Hmm looking at the time! I guess I best get back into the swing of bedtime also again!

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Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:56 pm 
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I think this has been a really productive exercise for me. Remembering how desperate I was feeling just a couple of days ago and realising, that is exactly the point at which i would have overdosed in the past and I am sat here now thinking. Wow! Now that is some extreme progress.


Today has been a very productive day, no extremes of emotions and I am enjoying watching the clouds fly by feeling the warmth of the sun not that there was much, but boy it was there and hey listening to those damn birds in the early morning chorus and thinking to myself. If this is life, I am so glad I have it.

I am lucky to know how to love and to feel loved by those that do. I can tolerate those that don't and you know I can love people that can't love me back like my mum, cos well in her own way she does I guess, and she has a really bizarre way of showing it.

Am I disappointed at who I am or who I have become? well I am not! You know I am proud of me for working and challenging all this crap. Is it big headed to believe that, hell no, its compassionate for myself.

Hope you guys all find some compassion for your selves over the coming days and years, Is a very pleasant place to sit.

I am really very lucky to have come to find people that love me for who I am in my present life and I am learning to accept that people generally don't lie too much about their feelings, just to make me feel better. even if they do, I will not be spending time dwelling on it.

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Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


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