BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Listening (((Wondering))). The two therapeutic relationships I just ended were both of that kind of time scale and I can very much relate to the anxiety and the feelings of sadness.

I can also relate with the poof its over feelings, a lot of the anxiety for me was in anticipation of imagining life without that contact, how is it looking for you?

(((Boit))),

Thank you for being here right now. I've got to get off the computer and start my day (to quote my T!) but I'm having trouble, as usual, in doing that.

The way it is for me: I can manage not to have sessions for 4 weeks, so I know I can manage longer than that. The problem is in moving on with my life without feeling, like you said, the need for contact. I don't want to mourn for years about my T. In my case, it's not so much wanting her for anything specific, but wanting the whole package deal. I will miss her smiling at me, asking how I am, waiting patiently for me to talk, talking in her calm voice.....everything! I will miss her house, the waiting room, her bathroom, her books.....

I got used to the whole set-up. I liked telling her my problems, knowing she wouldn't judge me, and would listen to anything I had to say. She knows all of my secrets. It's hard to separate from someone knowing me so intimately. It's hard to give that up. I keep thinking about that quote about therapy being a place where you can get your heart broken professionally. That's what it feels like to me.

Flip side: I will conquer this. I will move on and be happy. I have the tools. I know I do. But I wish I didn't have to. I want to stay where it's nice and comfy and warm, with my T. But it's NOT so comfy with her anymore. That's the reality. I've got to do this.

I will see my T in RL sometimes, and I have to deal with that. It will be good to know she's there, I hope. I can also call and set up an appointment. But the way it is now will be over.

How are you dealing with TWO such terminations? I don't think you have the attachment problems I do, though. Do you?

((((Wondering))))

I can certainly relate to your feelings. When I go into my T's office, and experience the smell in his office, sit in "my" place on the couch, see the books and pictures, I know I feel safe. Maybe you'll have to use those visions in your head for a while to experience that safe feeling. You can also talk to yourself and ask yourself what your T might say or think about a particular situation? You've gotten to know her well over the past few years and have some insight into how she might feel about certain things. Kind of use that as a guide. She thinks you're ready to terminate, which means she feels you're ready to make your way in the world without her. She has given you tools so it's up to you to channel those tools. You're fortunate that you had her in your life and she could help you so much! Not everyone gets that opportunity. And as I've said before, unfortunately it just takes time to grieve and get over the sad feelings over leaving. It would be great for you to "make it" and do really well and one day be able to let her know of your accomplishments. Nothing felt better to me than writing to my first T years later, telling her how I was doing and what I was doing. I was so happy when she said she was proud of me! And she gave me those tools!

My first was my family therapist, and boy we have been through hell.

She taught me to parent and because of the level of trust. I would tell her everything I was doing wrong as a parent and she would reinforce with everything I was doing right, giving bits of advice as we went.

She has been very much my mother figure and my role model in this regards. Whenever I doubted myself she stood fast, even when my kids went into care she kept the appointments. Leaving this relationship has been like losing a life line, but I have so much to draw on from her. I also have a letter she wrote to social care about how an effective a parent I am.

I did do something in the weeks coming up to the end and yep I felt my right arm was being cut off at times, and didn't know how I would ever survive. I bought a cheap plant pot made of clay. The kids and I each designed our own using paint. I can't tell you how often I sat with my feelings and painted them into this pot using every ounce of mindfulness skills I could muster to stay focused on what I was doing.

The other was my nurse, she has been visiting me at home for 5 years. I have been through it all hon, panicking because she was off sick, harming myself because at times it felt my life depended on that contact, screaming at her for leaving me, even though she was sick for a few days. Not being able to survive without overdosing if my next appointment wasn't in my diary. Hating the weekends because I knew she wasn't available. Sitting watching time fade til I could ring on Monday and feel safe again, even making the kids late for school.

I have grown so much over the years, and I needed to move on and take with me everything I had learned, again I accepted a letter which outlined many of the places we have visited, some major turning points etc...Something to add to my box of comforts when I need them. I have also in there lots of pieces of paper with things she said or offered when I needed them, things that helped along the way. I had her add some too. I spent the last few visits collecting.

I see her where work now with her clients, and at times, it is tough, and I know that they need her. I try to smile and stand tall, remind myself I can stand on my own mostly these days.

I have had moments often when I wanted to pick up the phone over the last few weeks, and they have been tough to deal with, but I practice hard at seeing what I can do about it and there is always the tools and the folks here and a few friends I can rely on. Sometimes I talk about it, sometimes I write about and sometimes I can smile at it.

Hey (((wondering))), that woman in the mirror keeps on waving and smiling back. Saying everything will be ok!

Hope your day has started!

I am willing to listen when you need.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, Bogit. I admire you for being so strong and being a survivor. My life is pretty good yet I'm always wanting what I don't have. I've got to start appreciating what I do have, and not get upset over stuff like the clutter in the house that doesn't go away.

I forced myself to work on our bedroom today, dusting and organizing my dresser and trying to clean around all my H's papers and junk on his dresser. Then I vacuumed, as well as I could around the boxes piled up in parts of the room. I also decided to throw out or give away some shoes that don't fit me and are worn out.

I feel better about myself because I accomplished something other than just going on the board all day. Maybe that doesn't seem relevant to ending therapy, but it is. I've got to live in the real world, and that means doing what I can about my challenges (I have a refrigerator magnet that says to rename your problems, challenges) instead of complaining.

I forgot to smile and wave at the woman in the mirror today. Will have to do it now.

I think that having a tidy up and a bit of a declutter is always good for staying in the moment Wondering.

I like the challenges idea too, provides motivation to see things through!

Good for you!

(((Wondering))) I am sorry, I don't know what the answer is!

If I did, I wouldn't be here

I really understand both your pain at the prospect of not having T in your life any more, the natural grief of any ending, and the sense that you're not quite ever going to be able to end it like a 'normal person'.

I think the thing to hang onto is the knowledge that not all of you is 'drowning' in T - there is a strong, sure, healthy bit of you that knows that it is time for this relationship to end and for you to move on with your life. And the only thing I can think of that would be remotely constructive is to align with that 'bit' of you, and have it take care of the scared, needy, more childlike bits.

I just keep on falling back on the whole Buddhist thing about impermanence and change and breathing in the pain of everybody who's in the same boat as you are, and breathing out calm and reassurance (somehow that is incredibly comforting b/c you have to believe you HAVE some calm and reassurance somewhere inside of you!) and that is comfort to me. But it is not to everybody - that's MY thing.

Is there any philosophy that you feel comfortable with? I remember when I first left T reading a great book called 'Plato Not Prozac' - the guy has written a few others. About applying ancient wisdom and philsophy to life's problems. It helped me feel quite strong and courageous about what I was doing. As you should - what you are doing is monumentally hard, takes an enormous amount of courage, and is not for the fainthearted.

I'm thinking of you, and hoping you can find some peace. Just take one step at a time. Try to not think beyond tonight, or the next hour, or whatever it takes, and try, too to know how OK you are, amidst the hurt and pain. Not all of you is in pain...just bits of you. And the rest of you, the strong, healthy part that knows what is good for you can make good, wise, strong decisions for ALL the bits of you.

(((Wondering)))

(((BG))),

Sorry I didn't mean not to acknowledge your latest post to me. Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I can visualize what my t would say to me because I know her so well. I know she will be proud of me when I succeed in doing well without therapy. I'm just a little worried about "what if" I don't do well. I know I can go back, but I don't want to disappoint her or myself. I'll just have to see how it goes, right?

Susanna: Yeah, I wish I could end therapy like a "normal" person but I don't think I can. I do have a healthy part of me that goes on with life and can pull the other part up. My t has always told me that too. I don't have to "drown", and if I do, it's because I won't let the healthy part "rescue" the unhealthy part of me. I want to hold on to all relationships, even when letting go is the best choice. It's a struggle, but I know the answers to find healthy, happy living.

I have strong religious beliefs that should help me get through life's difficulties. I just have to remember to utilize my faith more.

I don't want to get myself into a depression about terminating therapy. I really don't want that to happen. I'm going to tell myself that feeling sad is appropriate because I'm grieving, but it will end and I will be able to move on with my life.