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I have had a really bad week. On Tuesday night I had a meltdown. I went to sleep and my H was already in bed. I had a really good evening - I went out with a few friends. We had a great time. But I've also been stressed out. I'm recovering from foot surgery. I can't get out very much so I spend a lot of time in bed, with my foot elevated. My H has been stressed out about work. There was an issue between the two of us that I can't go into here. So anyway, while I was trying to go to sleep I started to feel "funny." I got real tense and started shaking, inside and out. I was making these weird yelling noises, but I tried to keep them down because I didn't want to wake up my H. I didn't want him to know what was going on. I guess I was also dissociating.

I got really scared. I thought about going to the hospital, but I didn't want to because I didn't want to talk to anyone except my own therapist. I thought about taking pills or hurting myself, but if I did that my therapist would have been really upset with me. So I didn't do that.

I ended up going downstairs in the living room and sitting at my computer for 6 hours, waiting till daylight. I was afraid to try to go to sleep. When it got daylight and a decent hour, I called my T. Of course I got his voicemail. I also had sent him a few e-mails in the middle of the night.

I had to go up to my T's office to see my Podiatrist in the morning (they're in the same office) so I saw him while I was sitting in the waiting room. He said he could see me the next day (Thursday). When I saw him Thursday I told him what happened. He praised me for not hurting myself and getting through it okay. He said that because I have BPD that I'm "allergic to stress" and this will happen from time to time.

So yesterday was my Group meeting. My T couldn't be there and his student intern took over. I don't like her, I don't trust her, and I don't feel safe with her. I wasn't going to go, but my T talked me into going. So I went, with all intentions of participating in the Group and giving her a fair shot. Well, I just couldn't do it. I sat at the Group all stressed out, I didn't want to participate and I couldn't even look at her. My friend M tried to get me to talk, but I wouldn't. Halfway through I got a splitting headache. I came home and sent my T an e-mail, telling him that the next time he's not at Group and his student is leading it, I won't be there. I just can't do it. I don't feel safe with her and I don't want her knowing anything about me. I know this is all twisted thinking but it's how I feel and I can't seem to work through it. She sits in with the Group every week but doesn't lead it - my T does. So she will be there until June. That's a long time.

I think I'm getting depressed again. I wrote to my T last night and told him that. I know I should try to work through why I don't like the student, but I can't seem to figure out exactly why. And I don't have much energy right now to try to do it. I am so tired and don't have the energy to work on this.

I don't honestly know if I'm depressed or not. It's hard for me to tell. I will see my T on Tuesday and I guess we'll discuss all this. I just feel really bad. The only thing that's stopping me from doing anything "bad" is that if I do, my T will get angry with me. He's the only one I can talk to about all of this.

I'm glad that something is keeping you from self harm, even if it is the thought about your T being upset by it. If that works, then it is good for now. Depression sucks and when it starts to knock it is very uncomfortable. Sometimes I can pull out of it to a degree if I distract, but the same things don't work all the time for me. Sometimes going to the bookstore and reading there in those comfy chairs helps. Sometimes talking to a friend or going to lunch helps. Sometimes going to therapy does NOT help. Maybe for today you can find some fun or soothing things to do that are self loving rather than self harming. I know the feeling though, I really do.

hang in there, BG. i know its hard to do, but this will pass, eventually.

i am sorry things are so hard right now for you. i do think that surgery really knocked you on your ass. anesthesia can do that with some people. my daughter, for instance. it affects our bodies in many ways.

well, whatever works to stop you from self harm. it will not help in the long run. good for you to hold back!

sometimes it seems when we hit this mode, everything just is magnified 100 times. something we could handle on a good day just knocks us down.

hang in. dont ever give up. it will get better. it will. tend to you, if you can. things you want. things that bring some peace and calm feelings.

big hugs always...jody

Bordergirl,

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. To me, that would be really scary to have an episode like you described come over me like that.

Someone mentioned you'd had surgery on your foot and had anesthesia. Anesthesia is a very heavy medication that I could guess might really affect a person's chemistry, especially someone with sensitive chemistry like ours.

I've also heard you mention (in public conversation) that you have fibromyalgia. Anesthesia has a lot more risk of reactions and slowed recovery time for those of us with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia as well, I believe. It's possible that that could explain a lot of the unstability you are feeling.

Is it ok on this list to post URL's of sights with this kind of info? Well you can find it yourself by searching "cfdis/fibro/anesthesia". I found one on ImmuneSupport.com. I wonder if it would be helpful to tell your doctor, or perhaps a naturopathic doctor about the association between fibro and increased anasthesia risks/symptoms. Also because they might be able to help you support your liver and to recover better.

I hope the symptoms you are having don't last long, that sounds really difficult. As others have said, take time for you right now!

Liz

Thank you for your replies. I'll look at that site Lizle. I'm very depressed right now.

Can one of the Moderators please lock this post? Thank you.

BG, there are other possible reasons that the thread hadn't yet been blocked.
Certainly I did not miss it. And I most certainly am not ignoring you. For me it's a matter of not being certain about how to respond under these circumstances. But I'm going to put a lock on it at least temporarily, and if another believes it should stay open, we can deal with that then.

Thank you. As far as I'm concerned, this thread is closed. No more discussion about it.

I've unlocked it.

BG, I understand your desire to no longer engage in discussion on this. I respect that right. You have free will and you have chosen not to continue in this discussion. No one is forcing you to continue in a discussion that is of no further interest to you. It may, however, be of interest to others.

Lizle, you're absolutely allowed to post URLs. In fact, I would like to see whatever you've got stored away. I don't have fibromyalgia but I know several people who do. If you have relevant information about the effects of anesthesia on fibro (or any, really) patients, I would be very interested in reading that.

Brain chemistry is such an odd thing and it's a shame there's so little known about how it works. I still occasionally have sudden severe intense bouts of depression that seem to come out of nowhere and almost completely incapacitate me. Luckily (?!) mine are of a very short duration but when they hit, it's as if the whole world has turned bleak, all hope is lost and any value or worth I had vanished.

I wish I knew what I could do to prevent these bouts from happening but so far the only luck I've had is "faking it til I make it." I can certainly tell when the depression descends upon me. My whole brain shifts to negative, hopeless, nearly suicidal thoughts. I've found that by forcing myself to think about the things I know work actually does work. Even though it feels like "this is forever, it's always been this way, it'll never get better" if I can at least chime in a few times with "feelings pass, this will pass" there's some sort of chain reaction from it. I really believe that. I really think that the occasional positive self-talk comment in the midst of the severe depression can work like a computer virus, but in a good way, ya know? Kind of like fermenting usually means rancid but when the end result is delicious wine, it's a good thing.

First, I apologize for asking this post be locked. I had a very, very bad week and was acting in Emotion Mind.

I had a meltdown last Tuesday night. I was very scared and had nowhere to turn. I came here seeking support, empathy and a dialogue as to how to handle my out-of-control feelings. I did get a few responses and I appreciate them! But I was feeling so fragile and wanted a dialogue and didn't get one. I didn't know what to do, and in Emotion Mind I asked the thread be locked. I felt no one was interested in me and my situation. I was hurt and disappointed. I felt what is the point in posting anymore - no one cares anyway?

Through a PM with someone, I did get some good advice and will work on taking advantage of that advice. I am feeling better now. I don't know if I will get to have a dialogue with any of you, but if anyone cares to, I'm here. I know I should not beg for responses, and that's not what I'd like the dialogue to consist of. I know I screwed up. What I would have liked is dialogue on how to deal with my out-of-control emotions and how to deal with the situations I posted about. Thank you.

Lizle, I went on the board to find the links relating to FMS and anesthesia. I could only find links relating to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and anesthesia. I couldn't find any relating to fibromaylgia. Can you tell me specifically where to find the one relating to fibro? Thanks!

I am on a special diet that my gastroenterologist put me on to help my liver. It seems to be working, at least as far as I can tell. I am losing weight at least. I'm going to have to talk to my T about the association between the surgery and my brain back-firing on me. I don't think the podiatrist would have any experience with this. I am at a loss as to why this occurred last week.

Ash, I would have loved to "fake it until you make it." But I couldn't. I was in such a mess and had no strength to do that. Well, I did a little bit I guess because I didn't let my H know what i was going through. But it didn't work as well as it should have. I was in distress for a week! I didn't have anyone to talk to. I felt all alone. I did speak to my T but only for 1/2 hour. I needed more help. And then things got worse and I felt out of control. So, that's what happened. Can't go back and change things. I just can hope it doesn't happen again. I just hate feeling all alone. It's scary.

HI BG

It makes me feel sad to read your post that you felt no one cared and that you felt helpless to get what you were really wanting. : ( It makes me sad because when i wrote you, i was feeling a lot of caring and very much wanted to contribute something that might have made you feel better. But it wasnt what you needed at the time, and I wished you'd have been able to have gotten what you needed.

I'm not really familar with the "locking procedure" stuff, so i cant really comment on that. But I wanted to say and notice a few things...


You said:

[quote="Bordergirl"]
I had a meltdown last Tuesday night. I was very scared and had nowhere to turn. I came here seeking support, empathy and a dialogue as to how to handle my out-of-control feelings. I did get a few responses and I appreciate them! But I was feeling so fragile and wanted a dialogue and didn't get one. I didn't know what to do, and in Emotion Mind I asked the thread be locked. I felt no one was interested in me and my situation. I was hurt and disappointed. I felt what is the point in posting anymore - no one cares anyway?

-----------------------

Ack, ok, i have trouble figuring out how to make multiple quotes, so i'll separate with dashes your words and mine...

I feel sad hearing you say this. I was feeling a lot of caring toward you and tha'ts why i posted. I don't see anything in your post asking for "dialog on on how to handle out of control feelings". I often feel scared for asking for what I want, but if you had been that specific, perhaps we could have "been here for you" better and given you more of what you were actually needing.
-----------------------------
Then you (BG) said:

Through a PM with someone, I did get some good advice and will work on taking advantage of that advice. I am feeling better now. I don't know if I will get to have a dialogue with any of you, but if anyone cares to, I'm here. I know I should not beg for responses, and that's not what I'd like the dialogue to consist of. I know I screwed up. What I would have liked is dialogue on how to deal with my out-of-control emotions and how to deal with the situations I posted about. Thank you.
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I"m not sure I'm following, but i think I am. I think you are concerned about begging for responses, but perhaps what you woudl have been doing is simply asking for more of what you want, not begging. They seem very different to me.

BG, I will try to look up more info on anesthesia related specfically to FMS. Fibroyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome are often thought to be "sister illnesses" with so much overalp in symptomology that many of the treatments and precautions go for both illnesses. Support groups generally are filled with folks who have one, the other or both illnesses. But when i get a chance, I will look.

I'm getting tired right now, but I hope someone will share more with you about discussing how to cope with overwhelming emotions. I don't think of myself as very skilled in that area.

I hope you feel better BG,
(((((((BG)))))

BG, You are right that the anesthesia precautions do seem to coincide more specifically with cfids than fms, but here is a websight where the author says that the precautions seem to be circulated amongst those with cfids, fms and mcs (multiple chemical sensitivity).

http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/drugs/anesthesia.html

Unfortunately, not enough is known about these illnesses, although the doctors quoted are some of the best in the field. I'm really sorry if you are having a reaction to the anesthesia. I do know folks who have had complications to their illness following anesthesia, but I believe it is possible to bounch back. And I'm thinking about you, BG, and sending you good vibes and healing thoughts. I do care and I'm sorry you are going through this. I will still try to find any more info on fms and surgery when i can.

Liz

Lizle - I in no way undervalued your response to me! I did try to find the information on the site you suggested. I just couldn't find anything regarding fibro. And I DO appreciate your response! I in no way intended to mean that I didn't! I think I just thought that there might be more dialogue.

I am afraid to ask for what I want. In the past when I've done that, I've been told I can't ask people to respond to my posts. So I don't know how to word what I want. I just read another post where someone was given the advice to ask for what she needs. But I'm too paranoid to do that anymore. I'm scared to do that. I dont' want to stay away but I don't know what to do. I was in a very bad place last week, in what I felt was a crisis, and I wanted people to reach out to me. And you did, and I appreciate that! I guess I should have been more specific, but I didn't know how to do that. I was scared. My brain was very fuzzy last week. I couldn't think straight.

I apologize if I offended you - I never meant to do that. I just screwed up, that's all. I see people write posts and they get so many responses and help. I did things the wrong way I guess. I feel backed into a corner now and don't know how to get out. I'm embarrassed. But I do thank you for your posts and your caring - it means a lot to me. Thank you.

I guess I should add that I havnet read everythign on these pages and dont recommend anything therein, and I can't, since I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying that I know cfs/fms and anesthesia can be complicated.

OK, BG, I really really hope you feel better soon, and hope you can get some of that diaglog you wanted, too!

Liz

BG,
You didn't offend me at all.

I just honestly felt sad that you were in a state of feeling so uncared for and not feeling effective at getting something to help you.

BG, I disagree with the idea that you cant ask people to respond to your posts. I learned from a style of communication called Compassionate Communication (by Marshal Rosenburg) to actually end all communications making it clear what you want and so i try to be in the habit of that. I like doing that becasuse it feels more responsible than having peopel guess. Here's what happened, here's how I feel, and here's what I'd like to have happen.

Once in a while, someone willl take offense or misintrepret your directness, or you will ask in a way that isn't tactful, sometimes not meaning to. Sometimes people will envy your directness. Asking is not begging. With asking or requesting, if no one responds to your request, you can't punish them by holding a grudge or by being passive agressive, etc. Sometimes you have to ask again. Maybe people were just busy then. But asking is rude. It helps us know what you are wanting.

Liz

Ack!
Second to last sentence should read:
But asking ISN'T rude.

Thanks Lizle. I know fibro and CFS are complicated. I am going to ask my T tomorrow about the anesthesia and how it may have affected me. Something is definitely wrong.

I don't know if I'll get that "dialogue" or not. I believe I messed up and it's way too past for that. It seems some people are told not to ask for things, and others are told to ask to have their needs met. I don't understand how things can be so different. I don't know what the rules are.

But thank you Lizle for your patience and compassion.

i did a quick search for anesthesia and fibro and got a few hits...i dont know that it messes with it as much as some of us it messes with our mental stuff. it sure will my daughter and im guessing it has something to do with how its metabolized maybe...in the brain.

i dont think your backed into a corner, we all have meltdowns sometimes and i know you were having a terrible time, period, last week. i hope you feel better soon.........

one thing i loved about my T was her open mindedness to learn diff things. like anesthesia and mental stuff. she was always ready to learn and listen.

Thanks Jody and Lizle. I have never had a response to anesthesia like I had last week. I think it might be a combination of a lot of things hitting me at once. I just felt so out-of-control and got so scared last Tuesday night. I pictured myself in a straight-jacket! And I was trying not to let my H see me in that state. That's one of the reasons I sat up all night. I was petrified! I honestly don't know what I would do if it happened again. I just pray that it doesn't.

My T is pretty open to stuff too and may have some info on this. He often surprises me. All I know is that my brain was very fuzzy! I'm still not 100% and am having weird reactions to things. That's why I'm staying home and not interacting too much with people. I just need to get my head cleared.

could be some type of ptsd from the ect last year.....

it can really make my mind fuzzy.

i hope your feeling better, BG. you made it last time, if it happened again i would think you would make it again, altho its terrifying. this is what a ptsd episode feels like. exactly.

wonder what they gave you for ect,,,and what affect it had on your brain and then this hosp this time....i still think its connected somehow.

I hope so Jody. Thanks. I'm sitting here in tears right now. I saw my T this morning and I'm really upset. I just feel like a total fuck-up. I can't e-mail him anymore so I left him a phone message. I know he won't call me back, but I feel so bad right now.

I bought a book about ECT. I haven't read it yet. Maybe I should. I just feel like I'm falling apart. Oh well.

deep breath. you wont fall apart. let me know when you can whats up with the T thing.

hugs....a nice piece of rich choc...(ok, small piece) and some puffs to blow your nose on.

just sit and breathe a bit.................your not a total fuck up. only one of us can be that and you know thats me... you can be a partial fuck up...lol lol....kidding ya!

Border,
I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about your session? Why can't you email anymore? Why do you feel so bad? I'm here and so are others. You should try to talk about it.
Hugs,
C2L

Thanks Jody and C2L. I had been having a difficult time with the student intern in our BPD group. I had an immediate dislike to her and resented her being there. I know some of the other women in the Group don't care for her either, but I had a very bad response to her. My T, who leads the Group, wasn't there last week so she led the Group. I came, but I refused to talk and I wouldn't even look at her. I sent my T a few e-mails about it later on.

Oh, the reason I can't e-mail him anymore is because the office told him that the sites aren't secure. So anyone can read what I write to him. He said it would be better for me to call him and leave messages. It had nothing to do with me personally.

Anyway, so I've been trying to figure out what it is about her that bothers me. I think I figured it out. But my mind has been very fuzzy this week and it's hard to think straight. I discussed it with my T this morning.

He has 2 students he supervises in the office. This one, H, is in our Group. She's not the brightest and I think he knows that. I think he's kind of stuck with her. He told me that if it came to her leaving the Group or me, it would be me. So I see that he has to keep her in there. I never felt safe with her there. I felt like a guinea pig. You know, like when you go to the doctor and they have 10 students looking at you? That's how I feel with her there. Like I'm on display or something.

So I tried to tell my T about it. I told him that just because I have BPD that I should be taken seriously. I didn't want him to discount how I feel just because I have BPD. He assured me he wouldn't, but I still wasn't sure.

He suggested I call some Group members and talk to them about it and see how they feel. So I called one and we had a long talk. She doesn't care for H either and doesn't feel she's too smart, but she tries to ignore her. H sort of sits in the corner and doesn't say anything, so it's basically easy to ignore her. She said she doesn't feel embarrassed talking about herself in front of H, since she pretends she's not there. So I decided that that's what I would do.

I called my T when I got home (before I called my friend) and cried over the phone telling him that I don't want him to be mad at me and that I don't want to be thrown out of the Group.

She's going to be there until June, so I have to put up with her until then. I think if she was brighter and had a better personality, I might not have reacted to her the way I have. But all of these things put together just did not sit well with me.

But I am going to try to overcome it. I have no choice, unless I want to leave the Group, which I don't.

Thank you C2L for your caring. You made me feel better!