BPDRecovery.com: Forums

There was no formal agreement or settling up...but right after I expressed my concern to her supervisor that she had suddenly started shopping where I did, she stopped. So I figured that she had got the message. And I didn't see her there for 4 years, or however long it's been. So it certainly felt like a done deal.

Around the time I talked to the supervisor I also got completely overwhelmed by the whole prospect of laying a complaint and needed to find a way to bring the whole thing to a close: I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it. So I wrote to her lawyers to let them know I considered the matter closed - AND that I asked she didn't approach me if she saw me in her workplace (I was working with client there) or anywhere else, for that matter. I was really clear about not wanting any interaction with her, of any kind.

It wasn't a 'if you do this, I'll do that' sort of a thing. But the two were certainly connected for me - and you'd have to be pretty clueless not to read between the lines (which clearly she did, because she dropped out of sight again and has only just resurfaced).

Anyway. I thought about going another round with the whole thing, writing another letter letting her know her presence is causing me distress and bringing the whole thing up again, and suggesting it would be better for BOTH of us for me not to be put through any more over this issue, and asking that out of respect for me she shop somewhere else. But honestly, I don't want ANY interaction with her, at all. I do feel like I have the right to do this (she got away with..and still gets away with...murder). But I don't really want any sense of connection with her, at all.

I am going to have to steel myself and find a way to de-sensitize myself and work this out. I don't know how. There is no way I can go back into regular 'therapy' - it's just too terrifying. Not under any circumstances. I can't put my life at risk again.

I know there are good Ts out there. But I would have to be on deaths door to put my life in their hands again.

I gotta get my head out of this space and try to get refocused on my life - I feel like I am just floating along on some anxiety-cloud. I'm sort of overwhelmed and overloaded by this, and I think I need to push it back under the surface again, somehow. I suppose that's what they call denial?
But with no way of properly working it through and no hope that
working it through would make a dot of difference, I don't think I have a choice.

I really appreciate all the help you guys are giving me, and I am really interested in the discussion - but please excuse me if I drop out for a bit.

Susanna,
I'm sorry this has all come to the surface again for you. You might consider after maybe a period of thinking abou it, to contact her sup or whomever for advise on asking your ex T to please try harder to stay further away as you have noticed she is now in your n-hood and shopping where you do again and it has become a source of stress.

I agree that the T has more power. I am the type of person that might let go of some of my own power. I am working on that, to really know myself and my own strengths. I think the client also has some power though, the ability to quit and to request and to complain and to even set their own boundaries about what they will and will not talk about, etc. I think that a lot of people in their state of mind maybe tend to forget that or just don't claim their own power which can be a metaphor to how they deal with their "real life" too.

In your case, you and your T became friend like. Maybe you didn't know. Maybe it was your first experience. Maybe you were in a bad state of mind at that time. You really were vulnerable. It was entirely her fault as to how she conducted the therapy. I blame her completely. If you were stronger you might have not done or allowed some of the boundary crossing, but she was ultimately the one who was supposed to keep it the way it was supposed to go.

I know in my situation, I enjoyed letting go of control and being what I thought was "loved." It was like what I never got, I was getting, yet when I walked out of that room, I was still needy for it.

You can work through this S. I know you can. Remember if you see sometimes T you do have more knowledge now, more power, you are stronger, and you aren't about to let another person take over for you even if you are upset or vulnerable. You have much more strength now.

C2L, thank you.

I found your words incredibly comforting - and also very compassionate.

I know you're right. I am not the same person any more, I have learned so much through all this.

The times of falling into a black hole get shorter and shorter, and I bounce back better than I ever did. I don't get suicidal any more, I don't cease functioning. I am doing OK. I am not the basket case that I became when I was there. And I'm not necessarily going to be a basket case again.

I managed to work and focus today without benzos. Which is good. They help me focus but can also make it hard for me to think very sharply, and all I have is my brain!

I didn't freak out or drift of at all. I stopped for groceries on the way home tonight and I was fine. I got what I needed, stayed calm and OK, and got out again.

Am seeing a he-T tomorrow. Don't know whether I will do more than one session, but will go anyway.

Thanks for still being there.

It sounds like you are handling this well. Is the he-T a new T? I hope it goes well for you.

Thanks to everyone who hung in there with me through this. I know it can be a hard thing to understand/relate to, and I"ve appreciated everyone's patience.

I saw he-T and sometimes -T (the former for the talking, the latter to talk about meds, but it also turned into talking).

They had quite different perspectives on the best way to deal with this. He-T thinks I should be able to 'think' my way out of this, sometimes-T (who has known me for years - he T i've seen only twice) says I will probably never be 'over it' in relation to her, that I will always have some sort of physiological reaction to seeing her that no amount of thinking will 'fix', unless I am willing to submit to some sort of therapy to extinguish the terror response...and that I should be kinder to myself about still being freaked out (and that I should use the PRN meds more often...but thta's another whole thing).

Both agree with not initiating any further contact with her, and understand why I don't want to do this. So that was good.

I've pretty much firmly decided that the only course of action for me is to attend to this on my own, for myself - except when things get out of hand, and then I WILL seek help again from sometimes-T. She is so aware not only of the history but of ex T's make up and her behaviour across the board. And she also understands what ex T 'did' to me, even though I can't put the words around it. She can - and that's helpful. It's also good to be reminded to stop pushing myself to get over it...and be OK with still being triggered by her. Somehow it seems more realistic than demanding that I just BE OK when I am clearly not.

Sometimes T gave me some good coping ideas - about grounding myself and reminding myself this is now, that was then, and re-empowering myself...and that was helpful.

Gotta go feed kids. But thanks again for the help and support..

I'm glad that you saw the Ts and that you feel better! I tend to agree with "sometimes T" since she knows you and your ex-T so much better. I really am relieved that you followed through with seeing her, and that you have support if and when you should need it. I think you've handled the situation well. :thumbsup