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i knew i had not imagined this. just took forever to go back to find what i was looking for.

i no doubt read this and put my own view on this part of the ROE. we all do that so its not surprising. but in reference to my thread the other day that got locked and misunderstood, here is where i got the idea.

http://www.bpdrecovery.com/modules.php? ... age&pid=29

specifically this part, altho i attributed it to one person and it was another who said it, it was this link that i took it from and hence the confusion in my mind.

"""The Golden Rule

"""If you are triggered by a certain behavior pattern when you encounter it in a thread, it might be most effective to step out of that thread and start your own thread to work on your issues around that trigger.""" i believe the credit is given to mobilene for the idea, altho with any written word, people will hear it in their own way and maybe misinterpret what is meant. if i have done this, i would appreciate him re-explaining it to me so i get it right next time. i paraphrased it to also mean "subject in a thread" as i wanted to explore the subject further in regards to my own stuff. i have done this several times and it seemed to work ok, i do think i know what i did wrong this last time.

now i cant find the other thread which referenced back to it again but it was on about page 3 of a search and posted awhile back as a reminder of this part of the ROE page.

so in order to do my best to abide by the rules, i will reword this again. i posted a thread concerning submission and my idea to explore this as my H seems to want me to be one. and i had no label for it until i came across a web page describing it. balance is always the key in any relationship or with ourselves, and altho i dont think i could be submissive, i am too far the other way in defiance. i was thinking on exploring it to see why and if i could figure out how to let go of some of my need for defiance and why giving in to someone causes me to feel "i lose".

regardless of that, i did find the reason i got the idea to create a new thread. i knew i didnt imagine it but i was wondering for a minute if i had lost my mind entirely.

and no, i hadnt. now i know why i (and others) split off into new threads and where i got the idea from. and of course, as not to hijack anothers work in their own threads.

if i am still misunderstanding this, someone please correct me. tyia*! i do understand the ROE better after reading it about 50 times so far this noon:)

yes, rules are very important to me. i feel safe with rules and enforcement of them. i need rules to feel safe and have them enforced. they seem to give me a feeling of having control and knowing what is expected of me. i hate not knowing what is expected of me. it scares me.

Jody, as far as the submissive and defiance stuff. I think there is a middle ground. And somehow you need to find that middle ground. You may have had to be so submissive in your childhood that as an adult you went the other way - the pendulum swung from left all the way over to right. So now it's almost like you're in the Terrible Two's - where someone says do it this way and you automatically say NO. Maybe for you this is almost a gut reaction. So I guess you might need to be able to recognize it and try to stop it. Does this make sense?

that is exactly it, BG.

now to see how to overcome it....but i dont want to, im scared to.

all along, i kept saying my H wanted a robot who did exactly what he said and was quiet the rest of the time in a closet somewhere. then i find a name for this! i was so surprised. i hadnt imagined it. i think i will search on dominants and see why they want to be dominant. and why someone would be ok with being submissive. i want a balance of both..with no fear in it.

I think in a relationship there's often the need for one person to take the lead and maybe even control the relationship. But it doesn't have to be that way. Your H sounds like a control freak. He may be afraid of losing you and this is his way of controlling that.

Jody, how you've presented the topic in this thread is very, very different from how you presented it in the last one. It was more the presentation of "hey guys, this is weird... do you agree?" As opposed to, "My husband wants me to be submissive and I just don't get it."

I think you want a black and white answer as to what you can post and not post. There isn't one. Each thread is taken on its own merit. Your last thread was worded in a way that seemed to lay the topic at the feet of another poster. I think the way you've tackled it in this thread is good.

i will do some searching if i have time tonite, BG, and see what i can find on the characteristics of dominance and submission and see what might apply. hopefully some ways or ideas on a good balance with it for him and me both.