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I have identified a pretty serious condition. I am a commitment-phobe.

Everything in my life is on/off. I will do something for awhile, but then take a long break. If I make a schedule and goals, I will quit after a couple of weeks. I can not stick to a schedule or a plan. I feel a great aversion to committing to anything.

My bf claims I am unable to commit in my relationship. I can't commit to giving to this relationship in the form of sex, emotional support, etc. I will have sex and then not do it again for two weeks. I will give a crumb, and then bail for awhile, in other words. I am loyal, however, and he knows I am trying to change.

I think this may be my biggest obstacle thus far. I really have no idea how to change this. I know it is based on a fear. I think it's a fear of: if I commit to something and give it my all, I will end up rejected and disappointed. I have no idea how to change it because I have such a serious aversion to it, it's so deeply embedded that if I try to commit, I will not get very far before I flip the other way. I will continue to go back in spurts but there is never any real commitment.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to overcome?

Well, at least you have identified the problem.

Most commitment-phobes don't even want to admit they are just AFRAID of what will happen if they let go and commit.

It says a lot that you WANT and are willing to change. I think your boyfriend will realize this and appreciate you for it.

I'm thinking this phobia may be specific to relationships or limited in some way... look over to the left... right under the star beneath your nick. What do ya see? Two years of non-committal lollygagging here just for grins? That's not what I've seen.

Don't know much about phobia theory, but it almost sounds like the exposure approach could have some promise. Kinda like Amanda's thread about purposely setting up distress tolerance (trigger management) situations with people to practice and build skill and strength in responding effectively.

In this case you might structure some experiences to expose your emotionally vulnerability. Starting safely, build on successes and learnings to help you be effective in increasingly challenging and complex situations... until you get to the point where you can expose your vulnerability intentionally and choose to do it because it adds so much to your relationship and life.

I am not sure if this is a BPD trait or not but I have this problem also. I am unable to commit to the simplest thing. Not so much if its a committment to I make to myself but if I tell someone else that I will do this, or be there etc. I have lost all friends and some family because of this. If I am invited to go to a relatives for dinner and I agree- I am intsantly feeling anxiety. The closer it gets to "the day" the worse it gets. I used to make excuses but its to the point now (because no one believes me) that I just don't show up. I won't answer my phone and will hide out in my house for a couple of days. Yes, I know this is NOT normal.

Well, that's true but I don't think I've ever put my heart into it, if that makes sense. I just sort of come and go and never make a real commitment to anything.


Well, I think that's what I'm doing. I'm slowly getting out to try to understand people and situations, and I'm allowing myself to grow at my own pace, but I'm still not ready to put all my eggs in the basket, if that makes sense. I'm still kindof hanging on to parts of myself that aren't right for me. I just can't jump off the cliff yet. I'm scared I'll be terribly disappointed and it will break my heart, AGAIN. lol.