BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Did you see Ash's post after mine? She was more specific.

Ash- thanks for your response too. I haven't posted much- but I HAVE been reading here a lot and it is helping me see the "bigger picture". I have been really impressed by most everyone on this site. I have a LONG way to go, but I feel hopeful now. I like that we are "called" on our behavior- that is something that no one has really ever done to me- and as hard as it is to accept, I know that being responsible for ones actions is sooo important!

When I first arrived at this Board, I posted about the then mutually abusive relationship with my H and I.

Many advised me to "cut and run". Others didn't but suggested using boundaries and other tools. I was confused, struggling, in a lot of pain back then. But I chose not to leave my H. Yes, I had hired a divorce attorney, but ultimately I decided to work on me; my stuff. I got a couple of PM's on here from others who "welcomed me to the club of the one's not choosing to leave their SO".

We all can be manipulated. We are all human. We all make mistakes. It does take pendulum swings to the extremes to find the middle for all of us.

I am so glad that I didn't "cut and run". I am so happy that my H decided not to as well.

There is no quick fix. If it sounds to good to be true; it is.

Hi, I am an advisor from FTF and I have been reading this thread with great interest.
There have been so many good points made here and I hope to become a better advisor after reading them.

As I have grown and gotten healthy myself I have sometimes been rather dismayed when someone stays stuck in the Non angry mode instead of doing some hard work themselves. It is much easier to blame the BP in their lives than to deal with their own actions.

In my own life I have seen my ex husband work really hard on himself. I believe it was me leaving that helped him. But not in the way people think. I don't think I was all that good for him either. I had many issues of my own that I had to grapple with and he was able to focus on his own recovery once I was out of the picture. This was probably one of the hardest things for me to face because it was so much easier being the victim than it was being part of the problem.

It has been 7 months since we separated and though we have had some ups and downs I can honestly say I have nothing but compassion for him. It is hard to explain to other people but we are forging a pretty decent friendship. We coparent and my daughter gets to have 2 healthy parents who love her. I am not saying it is perfect but it is a work in progress and we are both trying to redefine our futures.

Because of what I have been through I have become a much better person and in my mind I believe this is a gift. It was not an easy road but I did some DBT myself and started recognizing my own twisted thinking. I stopped blaming him and focused on myself. I went through acceptance therapy and started practicing mindfulness. My life has improved because I chose to use this experience to grow instead of remain static or regress.

I responded because I just wanted you to know that there are people at FTF who are trying to move the board in a more positive direction. Yes,some people have to leave their SOs because they are dealing with abusive situations. I had to leave because of abuse and I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive situation regardless of diagnosis. But if the BP in the relationship is working on themselves and the non is working on themselves in my mind the best outcome is a salvaged family.

In the end we are responsible for own choices and lives. If someone at FTF leaves their spouse because someone else told them to then they have some serious issues of their own to deal with. I would not even want a partner that is so malleable and uncommitted to me that all it takes are few whispers in their ear and they bail. It shows that they were never with me to begin with and they were looking for an excuse to leave in the first place.

I think there are some people, nons and professionals, who can't separate the disorder from the person. They have a hard time wrapping their mind around the idea that the BP has a real disorder and it is not on purpose. That doesn't mean we make excuses or anything but just to understand what this disorder really means. We try to get this point across but sometimes a person is in too much pain and/or denial to get that point. Hopefully, eventually they are able to move out of anger into a better place where they are open to healing but sometimes this is not the case.

We are all human with our own struggles and issues. I hope that in the future there is more awareness so that there are not any feelings of 'us' and 'them'. Just a feeling of all of us trying to work things out and find some slice of contentment in our lives.
This is a great forum.

NLFHGG

This is a good point, and just to expand on it. When someone is "called" on their behavior, and they defend that behavior with the ferocity of a wounded mother bear protecting her cubs, it becomes a huge issue in a relationship. And really, if I'm a SO of someone who is doing that, do I care at that point that this person has had a lot of un-asked for crap dumped on them? Nope, I'm just not being listened to. It hurts, and if it never gets resolved, causes more hurt.

As far as the "run for the hills" advice, I have to agree its not the best advice at all. It complete blames one party and absolves another, which isn't fair and is not a reflection of reality. I would guess that the people who take that advice, have already made their decision and that this is just a confirmation. Its the absolute end of the decision making process not the begining.

Other that this advice, its important to note that the perceptions of how people are being treated by their SO who had BPD (may or may not, its debatable) are their perceptions. They are their reality. This is how these people feel about a BPD like behavior at a certain point in time. Unfiltered. Explaining it away, blaming it on something or someone else, blaming it on history, saying "it wasn't that bad", saying "I didn't mean it THAT way", and all that, doesn't mean jack compared to taking responsibility for it.



Not really, only to point out that its this persons opinion. As painfull as it is, this type of advice comes from people who have found happyness doing just that. It worked for them. Also, sometimes people just don't wake up to what they are doing until the word "divorce" and "Lawyer" are presented as they watch their SO's backside walk out the door. This may or may not be the end of a relationship, but it is an eye opening situation.

I understand the focus on recovery, rather than "run now" or venting. It is a really good, and proper , focus. However, part of healing is venting about behavior and finding someone who has shared your experience. Then you can move on to your part of the problem, and start to heal and understand. I also understand that someone with BPD shouldn't beat themselves up with the monster image portrayed by some non's, even though its THEIR reality.

Recovery and self are really the answers to a happy life. It is a process and some parts of it are ugly

I chose to stay.

Thanks for adding another perspective HGG, I appreciate your explinations. Keep up the good work.

No problem kari.