BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I don't know if I have the same Abandoment issues as some people here. I'm not TOO afraid that my H will leave me. I mean, sometimes I am, but not really. But I am afraid that something will happen to him, more like getting sick and dying, and that I'll be left alone. Now that we're getting older, I worry about it a lot.

I've never lived alone. I've never been independent. So my fear is that he'll die and I won't have him anymore. I'm totally dependent on him. I met him in 1966 and we got married in 1971. This month marks 42 years of us being together!!!!

I often get upset and when I do I wonder why he's stayed with me all these years. I have raged at him, yelled at him, certainly not kept a peaceful home at all times. But he stays. Sometimes I have felt like leaving. But I never have. When I used to go into rages I didn't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'd get into the car and drive, just to get away. But I always came back.

I see so many of you who live independently and take care of yourselves. I don't know if I know how to do that. I guess if I had to do it, I just would. I'd have no choice, would I? I just wondered if any of you struggle with this issue too.

I was 22 when I got married. I had never lived independently -- I had been away from home at school for a number of years, but never had my own place. I had never had to look for a place to live, work for a living, manage a household, get insurance, buy a car on my own, etc., etc., etc. Then I got divorced at age 50, in the middle of a severe depression which landed me in the hospital getting ECT twice. I was so confused I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag.

Fortunately my divorce attorney pointed me in the direction of a couple of people who could help me -- an attorney, an accountant, a financial planner, all female and sympathetic and non-judgmental.

I managed because I had to. Given how deeply depressed I was, it was hard to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. But I had decided that that was not an option, as attractive as it seemed.

You do because you have no other choice.

If you were to find yourself suddenly alone, wouldn't your son step up to help you? I know my kids would, especially now that they are a little older than they were at the time of the divorce.

I moved into a rented condo, which has worked out well for me. When there are issues with malfunctioning appliances or whatever, I call the owner's agent, who arranges for service visits at no cost to me. And I don't have to worry about maintaining a yard, which I knew I couldn't manage.

Maybe you would want to consider moving into an "adult community." You certainly wouldn't be the only person there dealing with singlehood, whether by divorce or death of your spouse. You would probably find a wealth of resources in the people there, as well as a wide range of activities to keep you busy.

You certainly shouldn't obsess about all this, but I do think that once you have reached our age (mid-50s) it doesn't hurt to think about this kind of stuff. Maybe even involve your husband in a discussion -- either one of you could drop dead or get in an accident, and it never hurts to be somewhat prepared. Have a living will, make known what plans you would like made for your funeral, be sure you know where important household documents are filed, all that stuff. It's not morbid, it's practical, as long as you don't get too wrapped up in it all.

Thanks Sari. I'm sorry you had such difficulties. I had ECT too, so I know how that is.

You are right. The steps you took were practical and seem to have worked out very well for you. It gives me a lot to think about. We have to decide where we will ultimately live when we retire. I know it's going to be where there is no snow!

Thank you!