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Maybe it's anxiety about terminating therapy that made me obsess about something. I've been trying to make it NOT be a big deal to be leaving therapy, but of course it IS a big deal. So, I got this feeling a couple of days ago, that I absolutely MUST have something in my T's handwriting. The urge and obsession about this didn't go away after trying to distract myself, so I called my T. I was very hesitant to do so because I once asked her to write something for me, and she refused. She didn't want me to save photos I had of her, either. But I put her pictures in my drawer and only looked once. I just wanted them (object constancy, I guess) and I did not obsess. I told her that on the phone, and I was shocked when she said she'd give me something in her handwriting at my next session!

This is so unlike her that I'm afraid I've frustrated her to no end. It's a good thing I'm quitting. Or, maybe she realized that it's not harmful, but something I just want to have, and not obsess about. The fact that I am thinking about it means that I am obsessing, though. I keep "replaying" the phone conversation because it was intense for me. I was rambling and she said "STOP. I'll give you a note in my handwriting." I was thrown by the "stop." In an intense way, thrown. If she knew that, she'd regret her decision.

So, am I being unhealthy or not? I just want her handwriting. She's given me other things, but not her writing. I haven't thought about this for a couple of years, but I am now. The urge to have it came up suddenly. I don't want to slip back and get into obsessing again. It's not that I haven't internalized my T's caring, what she says, or how she looks. So I don't think it's really a question of object constancy. I just want her handwriting to keep. I assume she will write something meaningful, I hope. But I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. Even if it's 1 line, it's her handwriting. I'm just worried about my thought processes right now. Please help.

I will admit that it sounds kind of creepy to me...I've wanted "parts" of people before but it was never healthy for me.

Perhaps she isn't "frustrated to no end" with your request - maybe she got a little annoyed because you were rambling (your words). That would be about your actions at that moment rather than about you.

I don't know what to tell you...You can say that you don't obsess and you don't want the same way you did, but the way you speak of this sounds like it's the same sort of obsessive thinking squeezing out around the edges. How were you distracting yourself? What were you distracting yourself with? What else can you try next time to get yourself through these urges?
What happens when you don't get what you want?

I dunno. I understand your wanting some sort of connection, but it probably isn't exactly "healthy." It doesn' seem entirely unhealthy either. I often look at photos of people I don't see very much. It could be nothing more than that, that you want a reminder of her which might bring to mind the good conversations and wisdom you received with her. If you were going on and on and she said STOP, you were probably obsessing and not letting her say anything right? I wouldn't worry about it too much. She just doesn't want you to obsess, but probably knows it is part of your personality and it wont change all the way. Which isn't a horrible thing. I don't expect every aspect of my personality will be fixed or changed either. You know what I mean?

I see things kind of differently. First of all, thinking about somebody and asking to have something belonging to that person, when you know the relationship is ending soon, IMHO is not obsessing. It is very healthy and normal to want to have something to remind you of an important, special person in your life. Think of it, say your mother dies, or your father died, or a long-term friendship ended because they moved overseas, would you still hold onto pictures, letters, items that remind you of that person? Or would you immediately discard every little reminder of that person from you life? Who says it's wrong or unhealthy to think about a person, even though you can no longer see them? How does you thinking about somebody harm them in any way or cause them any bad feelings whatsoever?

Secondly, if having your T's handwriting is going to have a positive impact on you. Say for example in times of distress (after therapy is finished) you have a touchstone, those words to remind you of your T. Something calming that allows you to access rational mind "how would T respond to me right now if she was here?" how is that an unhealthy thing?

What is your criteria for obsessional and unhealthy because from wehere I'm sitting I'm just not seeing it?

I have lots of little notes and affirmations that my T has given me - she's freely given them to me, in order to help me to feel a connection with her. Sometimes they are a great source of comfort, at other times I barely even remember I have them.

I was upset one time and feeling like nobody cared and I wan't to die and I read my T's little note "Remember, People care. I care about you" and it was enough to get me to think clearly - "Yes, people do care about me and so do I and I can get through this and just because T is not here doesn't mean she's not with me. What would she say to me right now?" and it helped to get me out of the emotional mind and into dealing with the problem. What harm did this cause anybody? It helped me.

It's not like your asking for a huge expensive gift or something that she can't give you and I just can't see how you could possibly cause anybody any harm by asking them to write a few words on a piece of paper. If anybody was uncomfortable with it, it would be "their stuff."

Have you thoughty about what it is you would like her to write because I really think this could be important?

I sent you a PM about this earlier, but I'll re-emphasize that I feel the same way Amanda does.

My thoughts on this are: you're ending therapy to end the obsession. You want your Ts handwriting bc of your obsession (it may be healthy for any old Joe Blow to want this, but not if they have had a chronic obsession with that person for over a year). So to keep it will perpetuate it. What's the point in leaving therapy at all if you keep a trophy of your obsession?

I don't know what to think! Some of you say I'm obsessing and it's unhealthy, and some say it's all right and I'm not obsessing. Is there a middle ground, a grey area or is it either healthy or unhealthy? I'm probably the only one who can answer that question. I don't even think my t can answer it. It's important to me, so I will try to reply to the responses in the hope that I can help myself figure it out.

Minx: The truth is that I did not want to distract myself too much. I didn't think it was an unusual request, but my obsessing about it was. I just tried to see if I would forget about it, but I didn't. Calling my t was a relief, and her reply was like a bonus.

C2L: I agree that I don't think I can get my obsessive thinking to go away entirely. I just have to live with it, and try to control it. Yes, I wasn't letting my t talk so she said "Stop." But the way she said it triggered my fantasy about running around the room and having to be stopped by my t. I used to always have that fantasy with all my ts. The stopping me was a way to get comforted. I would cry. I feel good, but maybe too good, about being "stopped." So, that was unexpected and something I can obsess about. Maybe if I use the words "think about" instead of obsess, it changes the way I see things. I'm going to try that.

Amanda: I know that your t has given you notes and affirmations, and that they help you. Maybe you're right. I have some things in my house that my t has given me, and I don't obsess about them. They do give me comfort. I have the lip gloss, though it's almost gone, in my purse and I just like it there. I don't obsess about it.

My criteria for obsessional and unhealthy is when I think about my t too much, and want her to be what she isn't. If she gives me something she wrote, and I spend too much time thinking about it and looking at it, that would be obsessional. It's also obsessional for me to be thinking so much about the phone conversation and posting about it. For it to be healthy, I would just think "Good, I'll have my t's note, and it will comfort me when I don't see her anymore" and that would be the end of it. That's probably the way you think, right? It's the way I couldn't get the urge to go away. I felt like I was compelled to call her and ask right away, like it was urgent. That's what I call obsessional. It's not something nice to have; it's an urgent need to me. It wasn't a few days ago.

Sarah: I do see your point, but I already have momentos from my t and I'm not obsessing about them. I mentioned the photos. I also have my therapy journals. I always hold onto papers, pictures, letters. I have my old boyfriend's letters from over 30 years ago, but I'm not obsessed with him. I have pictures, journals, tapes of therapy sessions from long ago with someone else, my diary when I was 9 years old, etc. I just like to keep reminders of the past even if I don't look at them too often. I think there is a grey area where my t's handwriting will be a comfort, not an obsession. The WANTING it and wanting to tell her was more of an obsession. I'm not sure yet, but it may be a relief to have it, and I don't think I will see it as a trophy, though I do understand what you mean.

I'm not sure yet how it will turn out. I feel like I am disappointing my t, but I also feel like she'd rather I ask for what I want instead of being devious about it. It just may be a comfort, and not an obsession.

Well, I can't answer what's true for you on this, but I can give you my general thoughts on where the grey is between healthy and unhealthy.

It's like, healthy and unhealthy aren't black and white, but a continuum. And improved mental health is a journey. As I see it, anything that's a step forward is healthy, even if it's not ideally healthy. That's the grey.


That sounds like a positive to me. That reminds me of something I've found true for me. "Obsessing" isn't just thinking a lot about someone. It's thinking about them in an unhealthy, clingy way.

I usually respond saying that I think you are obsessing about your T. But when i read this post, i thought it seemed okay to ask for a small token from your T, who you are about to end therapy with. I do think there is a fine line, but you are ending therapy with her and it is a very big deal. I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy to want this. If it helps you to ease into the transition of separation, then i think it's fine.

I think you're preparing yourself for an inevitable and imminent ending: and so it's fine. Mature, thoughtful and..what's the word I'm looking for...preparatory, sort of. That's not the right word, but it's the only one I can grab a hold of right now.

Maybe that's why your T has changed her tune about this - because she feels like you're asking for a different reason, and using this touchstone for a different purpose?

How are you doing with it all?